


Distractions

by Dysphorite, Shut_up_im_reading



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cute, Drama, F/M, Feels, Fluff, Romance, School, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-08 16:13:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 80,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4311822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dysphorite/pseuds/Dysphorite, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shut_up_im_reading/pseuds/Shut_up_im_reading
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is all about timing.<br/>Killian and Emma both feel it.<br/>Growing up together as children bonded them for life and even though they have begun to grow apart, something kept pulling them back together. The attraction growing between them was becoming stronger daily, but it seemed there was always obstacles and distractions building the block between them, making life complicated.<br/>Neither of them seems ready to confirm what they both know, to admit what they can't deny.<br/>But will they be ready before time runs out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginnings

Emma had a good life. She had been adopted by a lovely family when she was 4, had decent friends and enjoyed school. But she always felt she was missing something. True love. Of course she didn't expect to find it so young but she still dreamed of the day she would have someone who loved her no matter what. When she was younger she had a book. A fairy-tale book called once upon a time. She loved that book and it told her tales of true love, of honour and bravery, princes and princesses and she loved it. She always wondered what it would be like to be a princess. Though she couldn't stomach the thought a being one of the helpless, whiny and pathetic Princesses that ranked among some of Disney's favourites. Not a damsel in distress. Not Emma. She liked to imagine that she would be an independent and confident princess with an edge of sass and cutting wit. A truly bad-ass Princess. Not that any of this was ever going to happen, but she let herself could dream.

Killian didn't have a good life. His father was a naval officer and was rarely home and his mother had long since given up on being a faithful wife. His beloved older brother Liam had died when he was only eight years old in a car accident leaving Killian alone in the world; with no true friends at school no one could comfort him and he hated school. He loved learning, but when he was at school all he got were sympathetic looks from teachers. All his friends were idiots, the kind that bunked school and smoked because they thought it would make girls like them. Killian just wanted a way out of this hell hole and planned on leaving as soon as he turned 19. He didn't care where, just as long as it wasn't here.

 

* * *

 

Emma was sitting with her friends one lunchtime, not really participating in the conversation, only watching as her friends passed insignificant comments back and forth. Instead she was thinking about Killian. She was growing increasingly worried for him, but whenever she tried to help he shrugged her off and became more distant. She had known Killian since Primary School and they had been best friends since. They lived on the same street so had spent endless hours of fun together growing up and always came to each other with their problems. But, since the start of the year he had started growing increasing withdrawn, causing Emma's worry. She hadn't always had the best of luck with friends. The ones she had now weren't really good friends but she didn't mind hanging out with them. They were cool and entertaining and she dealt with them fine. Killian had moved on and got new friends. He hung out with the moronic stoners that smoked and drank in placement of actually productive activities and thought they were so smooth; whilst really they were just annoying.

"Emma!?" She looked up sharply, turning towards the voice.

"Emma are you even listening?" Ruby says looking annoyed, "Party on Friday. You coming?"

"Huh. Oh, yeah sure. Sounds good" she muttered, still thinking about Killian. Her friends went back to talking about the party animatedly.

 

* * *

 

Later Emma texted Killian asking if he wanted to go to the party with her. She had checked with Ruby and she said it was fine.

*Hey. Party on Friday. Wanna come to keep me company?*

He replied a few minutes later, *Guess I could. What time?*

She sighed. But at least he had actually responded this time.

*7*

*Sure. I’ll be there*

 

* * *

 

Friday rolled round and Emma was getting ready in her room. Killian was coming to pick her up soon so she was hurrying to get ready before he arrived. The doorbell then rang and she heard her Dad opening the door and sending Killian up. Her Dad knew Killian well enough to know he wouldn't do anything stupid; any other boy would have had to wait downstairs.

"Hey. Emma, can I come in?" He called through the door, always the gentleman.

"Yeah, come on in" she replied, fixing the last earing in place and Killian sauntered into the room, looking her up and down before nodding his approval. She has chosen to wear a dress, something she only does on special occasions. It was light blue with a halter neck so she's sure there will be some sort of dilemma with her strapless bra later but she loved this dress and was glad she wore it. Killian was wearing light blue denim jeans, skinny -of course- and a short sleeved, dark red shirt. He was also wearing his high-top converse, splattered with paint. Emma loved those shoes. They showed another side to him, the side only really she knew. Not many people knew that Killian was an artist. He painted beautifully and he could play guitar like a professional. He had painted her portrait more than once, with the excuse that her face had an interesting structure, and used to play for her. He would turn up at her house at all hours, whenever he had a new song and play it for her. She would clap and tell him what she thought then he would leave again. She missed it. She missed hearing his voice singing, so full of emotion.

"You look good Killian" she said, just as Killian said, "Stunning, Swan. Absolutely stunning"

"Thanks" they reply in unison, before he laughs and she blushes.

"Are you ready to go?" He says, a familiar smirk playing on his lips

"Yep, let's get going" she grabs her small bag and they leave, briefly pausing to say goodbye to her parents and to reassure them that Killian will look after her. It didn't take much. They have always trusted him.

 

* * *

 

They arrived at the party, Killian moving to open her car door, acting the perfect gentleman.

"Thanks" she said, hopping out and smoothing down her dress, "Shall we?"

"Yep, let's go" he said, moving towards the door

"Wait Killian" she called. Catching up with him, she tugged at his collar.

"It's twisted" she said looking up at him. His eyes were a beautiful blue, the colour of the sea, a deep blue you could get lost in easily. She realised she had been staring for too long, and he had been staring right back at her. She hadn't even noticed them slowly leaning towards each other.

"Emma..." he whispered, his voice husky with emotion under his breath.

"There" she muttered, ignoring his words and patting his collar, "All done"

She turned towards the door before he had a chance to reply and opened it knowing they wouldn't hear her knock over the loud, beating music. Moving inside, she gave Killian a brief wave and the two parted ways, each seeking out their friends within the house.


	2. Forget

Killian couldn't stop thinking about Emma and  the  way she had looked into his eyes as she straightened his collar. The feel of her hands lightly brushing his chest. She had a look in her eyes that he had seen before when she thought he wasn't looking. Longing.  Yearning.  _Desire_.  He knew she had always dreamed of a  fairy-tale  romance, but the thought that she would want it with him had never entered his mind. H e had never imagined that her stolen glances at him could be matched by dreams of a future. A future with _him_. It seemed too impossible to think of.  H is Swan may be an open book, but he could be wrong. Maybe he was misreading her. He couldn't and shouldn't just assume that's what she wanted. 

Anyway, he couldn't give it to her. His life was... well -for want of a better word- crap, really. He didn't want Emma to be stuck with him when she could have so much better.  So much   _more_ , than him.

 

This was stupid. She probably didn't like him that way. He should be enjoying the party. What he needed was a distraction. He looked a bout  at the party-goers swelling around him , his eyes settling on a slim brunette on the other side of the room. He sauntered over and introduced himself  to her , easily falling into a flirtatious conversation.

 

* * *

She needed to find Killian. _ Where the hell was he? _

She had just had a huge fight with her friends and needed to go home  right now . She ran in frustration from room to room searching for his familiar black hair above the crowd. Eventually, she stumbled into the kitchen and spotted him. 

_ No. That can't be him. _

Her feet moved slowly , involuntarily  closer beneath her and what she saw became clear. It was Killian, undoubtedly. It was him, and he had his arms locked around a girl in a passionate embrace. The girl, Emma didn’t know who, was a very pretty brunette and as she watches she sees her push her hands greedily  through his hair and drag him closer to her, kissing his neck, his jaw. Emma's jaw locks.   


She can't stand to watch anymore. She escapes from the house and stands outside breathing in the cool night air. She'll have to walk home. She heads toward s  the road, mind set on walking all the way home even if the night is cold and dark around her.

"Hey!"

A voice calls out to her from behind. Emma turns around and, seeing who it is, she sighs.  _ Great, _  now Neal has arrived. The last person she wants to see right now is her Ex-Boyfriend. 

"Hey... Neal" she says, turning towards the road and starting to walk.

"You're not planning on walking all the way home, are you?"

"Umm... yeah" 

She picks up her pace.

"Hey. Wait" he calls, running to catch up, "I'll drive you home. I'm leaving anyway"

_ Great. _  Just what she needs right now. Though she does prefer the sound of driving home to walking all the way back, so she might as well.

"Sure, why not. Thanks"

 

* * *

 

The car ride is fine. Emma thought it would be awkward, but she actually started to get along with Neal. He's funny and charming and even though he left her, she still likes him. He's cute and she kind of owes him for driving her, so when they get home she invites him in for a drink.

"Sure, why not ? " he says grinning.

They head inside. Emma's parents are out tonight so the house is empty and dark as they enter. They grab a couple of drinks and head up to her room. An hour later they are both drunk and talking freely.

"What do you regret most, Neal?" She asks, her words slurring slightly. They are both sitting on the floor, having fallen of the bed in a tickle fight (which she won).

"Breaking up with you" he says. He sounded sober and she looks at him and sees he's telling the truth.  H er  superpower let's  her know  if people are lying, so she should know. She shuffles closer to him and reaches for his hand.

" So…  why did you?" Emma asks curiously.

"It doesn't matter. I just wish I hadn't" he says, sighing and squeezing her hand gently. 

Before she knows what's happening, she's kissing him, really kissing him. She shifts so she's on his lap and grabs his collar to bring him closer to her. She doesn't even process as he slides his hand under her shirt and up her back. Not until he reaches to unclasp her bra. Then she notices. And the strange thing is... she doesn't mind. She pushes him further down and starts kissing his neck before moving on to his shoulder and working her way back up to his jaw. She just needs to stop thinking and start feeling. At least now she isn't thinking about Killian. The way his hair moves in the wind. The way his eyes sparkle and the way his mouth moves when he sings to her.

_ No. _

She needs to stop thinking about him. 

_ He was with another girl, now she is with another boy. End of. _

Neal shifts before picking her up and placing her on her bed. She doesn't look in his eyes. She just pulls his shirt off, stops thinking and starts feeling.

 

* * *

Killian scolds himself. He's been looking for Emma everywhere and he still can't find her. He shouldn't have kissed that girl. He knew that. He didn't feel anything when he kissed her. And now Emma has gone. He spots one of her friends, Ruby, and rushes over.

"Have you seen Emma? I want to talk to her"

"Yeah, I saw her. She left about 20 minutes ago with Neal. He drove her home"

_ Him? What? _  He thought she hated Neal.

"Oh, okay... Thanks anyway Ruby"

"Hey, if you want you can drive me home instead" she says, stroking a finger along his cheek and leaning forwards to show off her cleavage to the best advantage.

" Erm ... no thanks Ruby, I'm good" he said knowing full well the kind of person Ruby is. He didn't need that right now. He left Ruby  with a pout on her face, sulking;  weaving his way through the crowds of people to the door. Grabbing his coat he left the house and got in his car.

 

* * *

Reaching Emma's house, he got out, went to the back of the house and looked up at her window. It was open and he could hear muffled giggles and sighs emanating from the room. 

_ Fuck. _

Neal was still here and apparently Emma  _ didn't _  hate him. At least, not _  anymore _ _._ In fact, they sounded pretty close. Defeated, he walked back to the front of the house and got in his car. Emma was 18, she could take care of herself. He drove  the short distance  home cursing at Emma, at Neal, at himself. 

_ God, why couldn't he do something right for once?  _

Like tell Emma how he felt instead of going off and kissing another girl in a poor attempt to take his mind off her. No matter what,  Killian always chose the wrong path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay Guys, so Shut_up_im_reading is currently on holiday with no access to the internet (I know, poor soul right) so -although we've got a couple chapters lined up- posting will be a little slow for the next few weeks okay? But, no worries, we'll make it up :) Feel free to comment, thanks ^_^  
> Dysphorite


	3. Complications

Emma had stopped herself before she did something stupid with Neal that she would regret, and sent him home before her parents got back. He asked if she would call him and she said maybe. He texted her the next day to say _good morning_ and she hadn't replied. Now, at school he was following her around like a lost puppy. He asked if she would go on a date and she had replied by saying she would find out if she was free. In other words, _no_. She didn't know how to tell him. Last night was a mistake. A _drunken_ mistake. She had been emotional and she needed to stop thinking about Killian and now she had Neal trailing her relentlessly, because he had some absurd notion that it meant something. She had seen Killian briefly, but he had spotted her and turned and walked away before she could call to him. He was avoiding her. And he was doing a good job.

She had hardly seen him at all since he had walked away from her.

 

* * *

 

Okay, so he was avoiding her. He didn't want to see her all loved up with Neal. _That's all_. He had seen her this morning in the corridor and pretended to remember something before turning around and rushing the other way. He couldn't face her after what happened last night. He was walking in the vague direction to his next lesson -Maths. _Why is it always Maths?_ \- paying no real attention to his surroundings so that it was a wonder, when he ended up outside his Maths room, that he hadn't caused some kind of casualty.

Forcefully pushing the door open and striding in –not caring how much noise he makes- he was still pondering the issue, looking down with a furrowed brow; Emma encompassing his thoughts. And he collided with another body on their way out.

_Bloody Hell_

He rubbed at his forehead and began to look up to see what object had been so careless as to walk straight into him with such force, but who was he to talk? Raising his head, he just caught a brief glimpse of some kind of marking on a slender, tan wrist, moving upwards to brush back a long fringe of dark brown hair and then readjust a shoulder bag that had fallen, in the collision, from the shoulder. The object, it appeared, was a girl –a pretty girl- with a strained, awkward smile and whom Killian had never seen around the school before. _Must be new_. But something about the girl now staring at him seemed…familiar.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry I wasn’t looking where I was going!” she exclaimed, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, but it was my fault. I was preoccupied I must apologise” he said

“Oh. That’s okay. Um… you wouldn’t happen to know the way to English? I’m new and I’m a bit lost” she said, looking around and blushing.

“Erm…sure” he replied, he could deal with being late to Maths, turning and walking in the direction of English as the girl trailed behind him, “So, what’s your name?”

“Lily” she said, jogging to catch up with him, “Lily Page. What’s yours?”

“Killian Jones”

“That’s a nice name”

“Erm… thanks” he mutters, turning away. They arrived at the English classroom and he points to a group at the back.

“Sit with them, they’re pretty nice and should be able to help you to find your way around” he says turning away to walk back to Maths.

“Hey, Killian!” she calls out. He turns back and sees she has extended her hand towards him. He shakes her hand and begins to walk backwards to where he knew the door was. Just as he turned, she waves a goodbye and suddenly he recognises the strange marking sitting on the middle of her right wrist that he caught a glimpse of earlier. And he realised he had seen it before.

 _The girl. Last night._ All he remembered of her was the strange birthmark on her wrist. The marking of a star.

“Thanks…for walking me to class” she finished, a rose blush spreading over her cheeks, a flirtatious smile tugging at her lips. Killian knew that look well. Too well. He turned and quickly walked away

_What have I done?_

He had just sent his last minute distraction to the friends of the girl he was in love with.

 

* * *

 

 _He didn’t recognise her._ She shouldn’t be surprised. She definitely shouldn’t be feeling the disappointment that was seeping through her as she moved towards the back of the room.

The girls sitting at the back seemed already pretty close and preoccupied in exchanging the latest gossip. They didn’t notice her as she walked up to them. There was an empty seat next to a girl with shining blonde hair who was currently staring absorbed out of the window, unconcerned with whatever her friends were saying. She moved towards them.

“Can I sit here?” she asks the blonde, feeling guilty for pulling her from her thoughts.

“Umm… yeah, sure” she mutters, turning back to the window.

“Thanks, I’m new here. My name’s Lily”

“I’m Emma” she says.

She didn’t seem to be overly approachable or friendly –at least in this moment- she seemed even… prickly, something seemed to be preoccupying her thoughts. Seeing there was no conversation to be had with Emma, Lily leaned forward to introduce herself to the girls who chatting in front of her, Emma’s other friends. They introduced themselves as Ruby and Ashley and quickly embraced her into their conversation, enveloping her with the latest gossip and debating who the hottest guy in the school was.

There was only one boy who entered Lily’s mind.

A boy with dark sweeping hair and eyes like the ocean.

“Do you guys know Killian Jones?” she asked her new friends, “He’s pretty cute”

Ruby and Ashley cast a worried glance towards Emma before turning back to Lily and speaking in hushed tones.

“He definitely is, no denying it… but Emma’s a bit sensitive when it comes to Killian so I wouldn't mention it. They’ve been best friends since forever but for while now they haven't really spoken. He’s got new friends so he doesn’t want to hang out with her any more and she’s been all stroppy and touchy about it. It’s gotten kinda annoying” Ashley says, sighing and shaking her head.

Lily looked over at Emma and wondered why she was so distant and preoccupied.

_It couldn’t be purely because of a boy, could it?_

 

* * *

 

At lunch later, Killian was no where in sight, opting -according to Ruby- to habit the wall at the east of the school to smoke with his friends. So Lily sat with her new friends and was introduced to Belle and Rupert -who, they told her, was known as Rumple because he wore clothes that looked like they had never seen an iron in their lives-Tilly, a ballet dancer who seemed to float everywhere like some kind of fairy in training, and Neal who came over to chat to Ruby briefly before returning to sit with Emma across the room. She wasn’t sure what to think of Emma. She hadn’t really spoken to her much and she seemed pretty distant, even Neal’s attempts at conversation didn’t seem to be going very well.

“So, are you free this weekend Emma?” she heard him ask. Emma sighed in response and muttered something Lily couldn’t hear. _Poor guy._

She turned back to her new friends to catch the end of Ruby’s sentence.

“If any one can sulk, it's Emma Swan” she said, casting a frown in the direction of Emma and her shadow, Neal, before going back to playing with the straw in her drink.

 _Emma Swan._ Lily froze, hearing the name repeated over and over again in her head. Drilling through her brain. _Seriously?_

Emma Swan was the name of the girl who had ruined her life.

_Ain't fate a bitch._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm afraid the story will have a small hiatus after this as Shut_up_im_reading is still away. But worry not, I've finished the third chapter, so it just needs to be given the 'go-ahead' from her before being posted.  
> Thanks for reading, feel free to comment ^_^  
> Dysphorite


	4. Bittersweet

_Her._

The next day Lily was spared from sitting next to Emma in English class. I turned out the Belle usually sits there but was absent during lesson yesterday because she was helping out with something or other at the library. Instead, Lily had pulled up a chair next to Ashley, whom she was getting along with well. They both seemed to share a general dislike of Emma, what Ashley didn't know is that Lily's went deeper.

_Look at her. Just sitting there without a care in the world._

Lily seethed inside herself, the corner of her eye catching Emma deep in discussion with Belle. Her hatred of Emma went back a long time. It was years ago that Emma and Lily had shared a care home.

 

* * *

 

_Laughter and happiness, Lily thought this would be the happiest day of her life. The day her life changed forever. A day she would never forget._

_That morning, just as Lily and Emma had been playing with toys together in the Den after breakfast, Miss Andrews -whom Lily and Emma called Mother Superior because she always acted so high and mighty and insisted we think of her of a 'mother'- had came in and told Lily to follow her into the office. She couldn't believe it. Thought it was some kind of mistake when she heard their words._

_You're going to be adopted Lily._

_She had beamed, squealed and ran back to find Emma in the Den, all but bowling her over when she did._

“ _What is it, Lil?” Emma had laughed having been pushed down into a pile of cushions._

“ _You'd never guess Em!”_

“ _Hmm... they're finally letting us have chocolate for dinner?”_

“ _No! Silly Billy!” Lily shouted, still grinning stupidly, “I'm going to be adopted!”_

“ _Oh, wow!” Emma tried to act happy for her friend, but couldn't keep the sadness for creeping into her voice. She was being left alone again. Losing a friend again. She didn't know what to say, she should be happy for her best friend, “That's great, Lily”_

“ _Isn't it?” Lily was too overwhelmed with happiness to notice her friend's sad reaction, “Mother Superior said I'll be gone in a week! A week!”_

“ _A week!” Emma wasn't prepared for this, it was all happening too fast, “Wow, I'm so- so happy for you”_

_Emma managed to smile at her friend before leaving her, muttering some excuse, and running away to a secluded corner where no one would see her tears. She embraced the feeling that was wrapping a heavy cloak over her shoulders. Loneliness. Seclusion. Isolation._

_'I guess I should get used to this'_

 

* * *

“I don't know what to do Belle” Emma cried, sat beside Belle in English, her first lesson of the day.

She had spent the majority of last night holed up in her room trying to figure out how her life had become so complicated in such as short space of time. Neal was now stuck to her like glue, heaping all sorts of expectations on her. So much pressure to do what he was expecting of her was piled on top of her but she knew in her heart that there was no longer a place there for him. Her heart had become eternally, irrevocably attached to someone else. To Killian.

The boy who was avoiding her like the plague.

Emma didn't know what had happened. It was _her_ who had the most reason to avoid _him_. Not the other way around. As far as she knew, Killian had no reason to be avoiding her like he was. Unless...

_Really? Was Killian actually stupid enough to think she and Neal were back together?_

Her head crumbled on top of her arms on the table. She didn't know what to do any more. She realised what had happened, it was almost understandable that Killian had assumed she and Neal were dating again after seeing how he clung to her. She needed to figure this out, now. English was the only time she had the chance, Neal was nowhere in sight, he wasn't in this class. Emma welcomed the release, glad she had this time without him stuck to her and her friend to take solace with. Belle was the only one of her friends that she truly enjoyed the company of, actually preferring subjects other than boys and gossip 24/7. She could always count on Belle for good conversation, sound advice and a shoulder to cry on. Unfortunately, Belle hadn't been around lately. She was either working at the library, helping her father out at his flower shop or with her boyfriend -Rumple (Rupert)- in fact, Belle and Emma often sought comfort from each other 

Both shared the grief of a lost mother.

Emma had never known her birth mother, but Belle. Belle's mother had been killed in an armed robbery on her father's shop when Belle was only eight years old. She was a fantastic and prolific writer when she was alive, and now Belle clung to the book's written by her mother like a life line keeping her breathing. It was beautiful, beautiful and sad. She had never truly let go of the grief of her Mother's death. More recently though, each having regular boy complications, the two sought solace in one another.

Belle and Rumple have and complicated relationship. Always on again, off again and Rumple was -at times- a real oaf, completely horrid and even dark. He always wanted something more and made Belle feel like she wasn't enough for him. No matter no much she loved him. Now, however, Belle and Rumple were together and happily too. Emma only hoped it would last this time. She had seen the ugly tears of heartbreak on Belle's beautiful face too many times.

“You should talk to him, Emma” Belle said touching Emma's shoulder with her hand in comfort.

“How am I supposed to do that when the only thing I ever see of him is his back” Emma sulked.

“What do you mean? Neal's been by your side constantly since the party”

“Noo, I was talking about Killian, Belle”

“Oh, well regardless my advice stands.” Belle says, “You should talk to be both of them, that's the only way you'll sort this out, and you owe that much to Neal, to tell him”

“I just don't know what to say to him. He said the thing he most regrets is breaking up with me Belle! What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to do anything when he looks up at me so expectantly, thinking I'm about to tell him that I love him, that I never stopped loving him”

“But I thought you did”

“I did, I do, I'll always have _feelings_ for Neal. I'll always love him, in a way. But he's the past. And someone else has _totally_ and _utterly_ taken his place in my heart.”

“Killian” Belle said in a matter of factly.

Emma groaned in response, dropping her head back on her arms in response.

 

* * *

 

Lily couldn't help but overhear Emma's conversation

_So, little miss sweet and innocent has herself a little crush._

She was making it all too easy for her to enact her revenge. It just so happened that Lily's plan of revenge worked out well for her. She would even rather enjoy it. Finding her happiness whilst destroying another's. Happiness stolen is the best kind of all. For Lily had her eye on a certain boy. A boy whom Emma was at this moment in agony over.

_Kill two swans with one stone._

Lily was going to steal Killian Jones, before Emma even had a chance.

_She took my chance for happiness, now I'm going to take hers._

 

* * *

 

_The day had finally arrived and Lily was practically buzzing with excitement, she had hardly slept a wink the night before she was so full of it. Opening her eyes, snapping to attention as her sleepy brain awoke, she suppressed a squeal of anticipation and quickly shot out of bed. She checked her clock and realised she had slept in, it was almost the time that her new parents would arrive! Lily rushed around like a mad man, picking out her favourite dress and her necklace which had a crescent moon shaped pendant hung on it, throwing them on before quickly brushing her teeth and checking her reflection in the mirror._

_Emma's bed was empty and already made on the other side of the room the two girls shared, Lily thought that Emma would at least be here to say goodbye. She barely seen Emma at all for the past week, Lily had the feeling she was avoiding her. Emma had gotten very good at running away and hiding where no one could find her. Not even Lily. But she was too excited to care this morning and guessed Emma was off playing in the garden or climbing a tree. Casting a last, final look at her room, Lily ran out the door and down the staircase, gleaming all the way. She made it to the entrance room to see two strangers, a woman and a man -Lily guessed they were her new parents- with Mother Superior and someone else._

_Emma was there too._

 

_Emma had been on her way out of the front door, trying to escape without having to see anyone. She was going to hide up a tree in the garden to save herself from saying goodbye to Lily, Emma knew that she wouldn't be able to keep herself from crying and watching her go would make the separation all the more difficult. It was easier to remove herself, to take control. That way it hurt less when they left. That was why she had been avoiding Lily all week. Her plans had been interrupted, however, as just when she was about to escape via the front door into the gardens, the doorbell rang and Miss Andrews hurried in from her office to open it and let two strangers in. Two strangers who had to be Lily's new parents. Emma had tried to back out of the room quietly before anyone noticed her presence but had no such luck._

“ _Oh, hello Dear” said the stranger, a woman with long raven hair and kind eyes, “Are you okay? You look a little upset”_

_The woman bent down so she was at the same height as Emma. Emma didn't know what to say, she wasn't prepared or up for conversation today, she had been trying hard enough already to keep the tears from her eyes. She had had it all worked out, she was going to run away before her emotions starting leaking from her into a flood of tears and anger. So Emma said nothing, but it turned out she didn't need to, for the woman took her hand and smiled up a her warmly. Emma's heart felt a little lighter at the stranger's kindness._

“ _And what's your name?” the woman asked smiling._

_Emma was about to reply when someone else's voice echoed from the stairway._

“ _Emma..?” Lily's voice rung through the room laced with confusion and betrayal._

 

_In weeks to come, Miss Andrew's would scold Lily again and again for being so presumptuous. They had told her the adoption wasn't final, they had told her not to get her hopes up, they had told her the parents wanted to meet her first before making the decision. But, who could blame a orphan for getting caught head over heels at the thought of being adopted? Lily knew exactly who was to blame for what happened to her though. It was all her fault._

_The couple had taken one look at her and knew she was the one for them._

_Fallen in love, they said._

_Felt a connection, they said._

_It was meant to be, they said._

_Oh, they were very apologetic towards Lily. Very kind, very charming. But Lily hadn't given them a chance and had ran off a short while after the scene. Emma had rushed after her when it was all decided, when it was final that it was Emma that was to be their child and not Lily. To say sorry, to say it wasn't her fault, to say goodbye._

_Emma had been so quick to abandon her when Lily said she was going to be adopted, why should it be any different the other way around?_

_Lily hated the sight of her._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I have to post now :( But Shut_up_im_reading comes back in 3 days into the world of the internet, which means that we will be able to get back on track with the story!  
> Thanks for reading, please feel free to comment ^_^  
> Dysphorite


	5. Weekend Jobs

Killian spent every waking hour that week, between classes, at home, thinking about Emma, about Lily, about how stupid he had been sending her off to meet her friends after what had happened at that bloody party. And the weekend wasn't an exception. At least nobody had seen him kissing Lily… he thought not anyway. It was so crowded at the party, nobody could have really seen.... He thought back to his thoughts when it had happened. When the notion of kissing that damned brunette by way of distracting him had first popped into his head. Drunken, though he was, he knew he had kept hearing a little voice in his head saying what he had wilfully refused to consider when all he was thinking of was the evanescent relief of a distraction. He knew he had all but ignored the annoying little voice at the time, ringing in the back of his head, asking his drunken self:  “What would Emma think if she saw? What if Emma does see? What happened to good form?”  and each and every time he had countered it that night with the thought that he didn’t care, what did it matter? He needed to stop thinking about Emma, screw good form. 

Now, a week on from the damned party, he couldn’t understand how he could have even thought those things, how they could have even entered his head. It just didn’t make sense in the light of day, with the crystal clarity of sobriety, and after a week of successfully avoiding Emma. He missed her.

By the weekend he was glad to go to work. He needed something to distract him, something that wouldn’t get him in trouble and preferably not one that would end up with a hangover and a pile of regret the next morning. He had been working weekend shifts for a while now. He needed the money and hated having to rely on others, he wanted to be independent. Self-reliant. Emma had always been independent. She didn’t need to be, she had everything she wanted, but still she was. Almost defiantly independent. While he had to work for what he wanted.  That was just the way his world worked.  Work or he didn't get it, and that was that. He had never cared or held it against her as it wasn’t her choice, not her fault. She had gained what she had for just being herself, something he could never have.

He swore under his breath. _Why did everything always come back to her?_ Cleaning some of the boats that had just come in, he used the hard work to avoid thinking about Emma. _Bloody hell, not another limpet._ He scrubbed harder.Killian had gotten a job down at the harbour, working at a boat hire centre on weekends and some weekdays. The centre was housed right at the waterfront -which meant lots of time next to the vast ocean, with the bracing sea breeze filling his lungs and whipping back his hair- and Killian got to spend a lot of time with only boats for company. He loved it. Enjoyed the atmosphere, the sea breeze and the solitude. Even with the sometimes pungent smell. And next door was a nice, quaint, little café where he and Emma had spent many an afternoon in when he got off work. Chatting merrily, laughing, and sometimes even writing songs for his guitar together.

Biting his lip, Killian scrubbed harder.

*

Lily had spent her Saturday morning scoping out the town, not having really been out since arriving other than the part, to see what's around. In her wanderings she found a diner called 'Granny's', which was apparently a popular hangout for the school kids, according to Ashley. She strolled past the flower shop owned by Belle's father, seeing her at work, arranging bouquets with her father inside but abstaining from going in, rather walking on more briskly. She wandered to find Rumple's father's second-hand shop, seeing a sign hanging outside reading _'Making old things new again'_ and she guessed that Rumple was also at work. In fact, on her travels she saw many of her new school friends worked on Saturdays. Ruby had a job waitressing at Granny's, Belle worked had her father's shop, Rumple at his. Even Ashley had a job as a cleaner at her Stepmother's beauticians. Which surprised Lily, because Ashley seemed like the last person to get job involving hard labour. A stray thought entered her mind in the form of a familiar head of messy, black hair and enchanting blue eyes.

_I wonder..._

_Would he have a job?_

Lily thoughts carried her along the streets and down towards the harbour.

*

Killian was dusting off his hands which were covered in polish and other chemicals used to clean boats. Standing out back, at the side of the centre, his body facing the oceans behind, the wind whipping his hair. Dropping his hands, he closed his eyes and sighed, grateful for the breeze which was, in this moment, stripping him of all his worries. Until he heard the beat of footsteps coming from behind him.

She was the first thought entering his head so that he found himself smiling, taken back to the many days where she would greet him at work by running up behind him and jumping on him, smiling stupidly and laughing at she did. But when he turned around, smiling, ready to see his favourite blonde head, he saw someone else entirely. His smile dropped.

_Lily. Great._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the latest chapter I'm sorry it took a while to post I have only recently got back from holiday. Massive thanks to Dysphorite for posting while I was away. Next chapter will be posted soon. Thanks for reading! :)


	6. Good form

“Hey Killian!” she called, beaming as she approached. Killian smiled, trying to hide his disappointment at seeing her instead of Emma.

“Hi... Lily” he replied, giving a small wave before turning around and returning to his work. He couldn’t bear to look at her. Not after what happened at the party.

“I haven’t seen you at school much” she said, pouting at him. Suddenly he was reminded of Ruby and her... ways. Lily was obviously getting along with them then, “I was hoping to get to know you better, where were you?”

“Oh, here and there” he replied, avoiding her gaze, “I’ve been quite busy I guess”

She stepped closer to him, gazing out into the sea. They were silent for a moment, the only sound the quiet howling of the wind, before she spoke.

“It sure is nice here. How long have you lived here?” she asked, turning towards him curiously.

“My whole life. My dad works for the navy and when he is at home he likes to spend time by the sea” he sighed, turning to look at the sea. He missed his dad.

“That’s cool” she said, grinning, oblivious to his pain, “Maybe you could show me round some time?”

_Bloody hell._ Just what he needed right now another admirer. He had dealt with this before, girls flirting with him, telling him they liked him, but he only had eyes for one girl. Emma. He knew he had to accept her proposal, it would be bad form to turn her down, especially after what happened. His dad had taught him that at least.

“Sure, Lily... if I can find time in my schedule, that would be fantastic” he replied, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

“Awesome!” she grinned, leaning towards him and pulling him into a hug. He was shocked but tried not to give it away by relaxing his tense body. He felt her hand start to slide down his back and pulled away quickly, coughing and blushing.

It turned out he had a gap in his schedule that day. Once he finished work he met up with Lily by the café, where she had been occupying her time doing who knows what, and showed her round town. He found he actually enjoyed spending time with Lily, they had similar taste in films and music and she was easy to talk to once he relaxed.

‘ _He’s such an idiot’_ she thought to herself. She had spent the last hour walking round Storybrooke with Killian, pretending to have lots in common with him to get him to relax and open up to her. She was wrong, _so wrong_ when she had had the faintest notion of actually _liking_ him after the party. She had even felt _disappointed_ when he didn't remember her at school. She was inwardly disgusted with herself, but put all her effort putting on a smile. He hadn’t guessed anything was wrong or that she was heaping lies upon lies, just to get close to him. He hadn't even noticed that each time she would wait to find out what he liked and then copy his answers. Feigning shock that they were ‘so much alike’. She fought to keep from laughing to herself. But she did learn something valuable. That Killian believed in good form. That, she knew, she could use to ensnare him. Even if things didn't go so smoothly. Eventually, when she thought him more inclined towards her, she moved slowly towards the topic of romance, asking first about his friends and Emma’s friends and their relationships then asking him about his.

“So, what about you Killian? Anyone special in your life?” she asked quietly. Her hand rested on his arm and he seemed relaxed and much more open than when she first approached him earlier. They direction rounded back towards his work at the docks.

He seemed to visibly sag, his expression hardening as he turned towards her to answer.

“Yeah, there is but… I messed up big time and now she won’t even look at me” he sighed and stared at the ground.

Emma. He did like her then. _Damn._ That put a spanner in the works. Her plan had been to seduce him and to use him to make Emma jealous, to ruin her _perfect_ little _fairytale_ life. Obviously that wouldn’t work now. She turned towards him, an angry look looming on her face.

“Did it mean anything to you Killian? Our kiss?” she asked, her smile fading.

“W…What?” he looked up at her, shocked, worried, caught off guard. He must have been hoping she didn’t remember or recognise him from the party.

“The party last week. You kissed me” she said. He looked blank as if he was trying to pretend it hadn’t happened. She sighed inwardly. _Well then, time to go all out._ She dug her nails into her palms harshly, making her eyes well up with tears. She sniffed and turned away from him.

“Oh” was all he could say for a minute, “Look, Lily… that kiss. It was… I mean…” he stuttered.

Suddenly she turned around and stared him in the eyes, tears trickling down her cheeks.

“I can’t believe you Killian! I ignored it for a while, hoping you wanted to get to know me first but how could you not mention it at all!? That kiss meant everything to me! And then you act like it never happened or… or you didn’t want it to happen!” she took a step back, her legs wobbling, “nobody has ever looked at me the way you did that night. You made me think I was special! And then you just vanished and don’t talk to me again!”

He was definitely in shock now. He stood completely still, staring at her, his mouth slightly ajar.

“I… I didn’t realise it meant so much to you Lily. I thought… it was just a kiss to you” he said eventually, looking puzzled.

She sighed. He wasn’t quite getting it even after all that nonsense she just yelled at him, hoping to guilt him into it. She took a step towards him, lowering her voice and bringing her hands up to rest on his chest.

“Killian. It was more than just a kiss. We have a connection. I know, I can feel it. Please Killian just give me a chance” she smiled a sad smile up at him before leaning in towards him, brushing her lips gently against his. She could see how shocked he was in his eyes but he said nothing as she brushed her lips across his cheek towards his ear.

“Please?” she breathed into his ear. She moved back and saw him give a slight nod. Before he could say anything or change his mind she moved her lips back to his and kissed him, more forcefully this time. He sighed and leaned into the kiss, slowly wrapping his arms around her. _'That's it'_ , she thought, _'Got you'_. She knew it would work. She smiled and grabbed the front of his shirt with both hands, pulling him towards her and deepening the kiss. Suddenly she pulled back to look at him. He was breathing heavily and looking at her with an odd expression on his face. She sighed and looked at her watch.

“I’m sorry Killian, but I’ve got to go. I’ll see you in school on Monday?” she said, moving away from him. He nodded, staring after her, not able to see her grin as she walked away.

_Good form._ Lily grinned a wicked smirk, filled with malice. _He thinks he's so high and mighty, so honourable with it._ Her smirk broke into toothy grin. _His 'good form' just cost him his and his precious Emma's happiness._

She laughed as she walked away, pride swelling her cackle. Satisfied with herself at having captured the illusive Killian Jones with his own _good form_.

***

He had kissed Lily. _Again_. Killian groaned and fell onto his bed. He couldn’t remember how he got home, it was all a blur and he had been trying to work out what the hell just happened. He hadn’t realised that the kiss at the party meant so much to her. And how could he tell her that he had been using her as a distraction? And he had looked at her that way because he had suddenly thought of what it would be like to kiss Emma that way, and was half in a drunken day dream. What else could he do? It would be bad form to just ignore her, tell her he didn’t feel the same. She would be heartbroken, judging by the way she acted tonight and he hated, just couldn't cause people pain. Maybe he could just try dating her for a while? Who knows… maybe she would turn out to be the love of his life. Maybe she can help him get over Emma. Hanging out with her today hadn't been bad, he admitted he'd even enjoyed it. He had relaxed for the first time in a week, and now he realised he Emma hadn't entered his mind for a single moment until Lily had mentioned her.

_Well then. I guess we will just see how it goes._

***

The Sun was high in the sky, all of her friends were busy working their Saturday jobs, Killian was occupied with Lily, and Emma was running. Running as fast as her legs could take her far away from the creaky wooden docks, far away from the scene that her mind kept betraying her and reliving in her head. Of _him_. _Him_ and _her_. _Together._

The day had begun so well, she had awoken with her head clear and intent set on explaining everything to Killian, apologising to him. She needed him. Things couldn't continue as they have been for the past week, school was torture, home was worse. She couldn't keep him out of her head, couldn't focus on anything without him drifting into her mind, distracting her. So she had gotten up, dressed nicely, even did up her hair to go and meet Killian, just as she had done a thousand times before, at his work. She picked up the song lyrics she had written a while ago for him and took them with her ready to give to him.  Proof that she was in earnest. She had looked forward with memories of his smile and laughter each time they used to meet here. Chatting happily in the cafe, writing songs, him begging her to sing them for him. She looked on with hope in their friendship. She had not been prepared for what her eyes beheld as she rounded the corner.

Killian was there, with Lily. Kissing. All memory, thought of her gone from his face, he didn't even know she was there, so she ran. She dropped the piece of paper she was holding and ran.

_Running_ , she was used to.

She had just never imagined it was Killian she would be running away from.

***

Lily looked at the piece of paper in her hand.

 

_"Struggling to believe in a love that's_

_Invisible to me_

_An emotion so deep like jumping_

_Blind into the sea_

 

_Now I'm drowning in your eyes_

_Just waiting for you to see_

_That all I've ever needed is_

_for you_ _to be with me"_

 

_How sweet._ Killian will never know it was Emma who wrote them. She had seen Emma, the look on her face as she spotted them kissing, how she dropped the piece of paper and ran. She knew her plan was working. Relished malevolently in Emma's agonised expression.   _It’s so easy to destroy someone when you know what they love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! From now on we will be posting regularly on a Friday and possibly Tuesdays if we write more than one chapter a week. Thanks for reading!  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	7. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please know that Shut_up_im_reading and I apologise for the feels and for... well Lily, and that we don't actually intend to cause the characters or you pain and get upset by what's going on ourselves even when we write it :P  
> I take full responsibility... sorry ^_^  
> Dysphorite

When she arrived home late on Saturday, her running having fallen into a slow walk under the weight of the tears she had shed, her face was blotched from crying and her eyes rimmed with red. She had run straight to her room, not even emerging for dinner. She wasn't hungry. She was sure her parents would be worried about her, but she didn't care. All she could think about was Killian and the unyielding ache of heartbreak consuming her. Her tears had accompanied her late into the night, until she eventually fell into a fitful sleep, tears glistening down her cheeks. She had awoken, worse for wear, late on Sunday, not even seeing the point in dressing for the day, she remained curled up in her bed all day, still in her pyjamas, trying -and failing- to forget Killian. At some point in the day, having not slept much or well the night before, Emma's eyes lulled and soon she was asleep. Though even her unconscious was cruel to her, her dreams were riddled with nightmares -strangely taking her back to her time in care, when she hadn't thought about that in years- so that when she awoke again, she was sweating and breathing heavily. She looked out to the window above her head to find that night had fallen whilst she was asleep, and then a sudden knock at her door startled her from her thoughts.

“Emma, the bath's ready for you!” her Mom called from the hallway. _Of course_ , Emma thought to herself, _it's Sunday evening, school tomorrow_. Her Mom always drew her a Bath on the night before school. Emma inwardly groaned.

“Okay Mom, I'll be there in a minute” she called, throwing herself back on the bed in defeat, groaning to herself. _School_. She reluctantly rolled off of her bed and grabbed her towel off its hook.

Baths were not a good place to try and forget things.   
_How could people find this relaxing?_   
Emma queried, having just gotten into the deliciously steaming bathwater finding that, despite the hot water and bubbles being luscious and relieving after her weekend, her mind was not in a place to relax. Her mind was in a place where time to think would not do her good. She tried to distract herself first with the bubbles -which was childish, she knew- and then with cleaning herself. But as she scrubbed at her skin her mind wandered. And she was taken back to yesterday, when she saw it. It came in flashes. Him. Her. The kiss. Emma scrubbed harder and harder in frustration, angry tears began to leak defiantly from her eyes until her skin was red raw and and she was in sobs once more. She threw the sponge at the wall through her tears, dropping her head back to rest on the back edge of the bath and let her tears fall from her face and blend with the water of the bath. Her thoughts circling around on thing, one person.

_Struggling to believe..._

Her own lyrics, her own words born in love twisted cruelly back at her like double-edged knives, cutting her heart into pieces.   
  
_A love that's invisible..._

She thought back to the first moment she ever saw him, standing all alone, looking lost the easy friendship that quickly grown. The hours spent together. His voice. His smile. The way he looks when he's playing his guitar, when he thinks no one is looking. How could she have let her heart be so fooled?

_An emotion so deep..._

The first time she realized she felt something more. It was in her room, just another evening in late summer. They had been playing around with his guitar, he was sat on the floor leaning against the edge of her bed, she was sat on top of it; the setting Sun shone through the window, beaming onto his face filled with bliss and concentration as he absent-mindedly strung his guitar. But the rays of the Sun had illuminated so much more. So much love. Butterflies in her stomach. Stolen glances. Days spent thinking of nothing but him. Missing him. Loving him... So much love turned to so much pain.

_Jumping blind..._

How could she have not seen it before? When had she let heart become so blind?

_Killian._

“Why would you do this to me?” Emma's words were inaudible, drowned out by the suffocation of tears and heartbreak and misery engulfed her battered soul.

_I'm drowning..._

 

* * *

 

He woke up and his mind went back to when he had last seen Emma. He missed her. He missed having her around, having someone to laugh with, someone he could be himself with. He sighed and got up knowing he had to go in to school even though he really, really didn’t want to. He couldn’t let Emma think her ignoring him was hurting him this much. However it also meant he would have to face Lily. _Damn. Today is going to be tough._

 

* * *

 

She hadn’t slept well that night and had woken in the morning with a headache and a broken heart. She groaned as she slowly opened her eyes and got out of bed. The thought of going to school made her feel nauseous but she had to. She couldn’t let him see how much it hurt her that he had found someone. Someone that wasn’t her. She just hoped she didn’t run into the happy couple or she might do something stupid. _Come on Emma, you can do this._

 

* * *

 

He arrived at the school gates and was greeted by the sight of Lily waiting for him. He walked up to her, plastering a smile onto his face. He could at least try, she hadn’t done anything wrong. She moved forward and hugged him when he reached her. He was still for a second before he hugged her back, glad to have a second where she couldn’t see his face so he could let the smile slip. She pulled back suddenly and reached into her bag.

“Hey Killian, I got something for you. Ruby told me you write songs so I wrote you some lyrics. I hope you like them” she said, passing him a piece of paper. He couldn’t help but being reminded of Emma. She wrote lyrics for him all the time, passing them to him during school or coming over to his house or work at all hours to give them to him. _Stop it. She doesn’t care about you any more. Forget her_. But he couldn’t. How could you forget someone you had loved for so long?

“Oh. Thanks Lily that’s… great” he mumbled, taking the paper from her. He was about to read the words scrawled on there when he heard a shout.

“Oi! Jones! Get over here!”

Killian turned towards the voice and seeing his friend Graham, he turned back to Lily.

“Sorry Lily, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later?” he grinned, glad to be getting away from her.

“Fine” Lily pouted but gave him a kiss on the cheek before turning and walking towards where Ruby and Ashley were standing.

 

* * *

 

Killian hurried over to Graham.

“So who’s the new girl, heh?” he asked when Killian reached him.

“Lily. I kissed her at the party last week and now she seems to think we have a connection” he said, sighing, “Thanks by the way. You really saved me there”

“Sure man. I can tell when a guy needs rescuing from a crazy girl. So what happened to Emma?” he asked, concern clear in his voice.

"Emma has spent the past week ignoring me without an explanation" he sighed, "I wish I knew exactly what I'd done to upset her"

"Hey, relax mate, how about I have a chat with Belle, see if she knows anything?" Graham gave him a friendly punch on the arm and grinned.

"Fine, you can try but I doubt she will tell you anything"

 

* * *

 

She arrived at school and was greeted by the sight of Lily kissing Killian on the cheek before leaving and walking, practically strutting, towards Ruby and Ashley. She hung back waiting until both Killian and Lily were out of sight before walking in and looking for Belle. She was in the library as usual.

"Emma... hey! How are you?" She ask the question tentatively, a worried expression on her face as she took in Emma's red eyes and weary expression.

"Fine. I'm fine" she replied, sighing.

"No you're not Emma, any fool could see that" Belle said, shaking her head, "What's up?"

"Killian kissed Lily. Again. Down by the docks. I saw it" she sniffed and turned away from Belle. She hated that Killian could make her this upset. She wished she could stop it and just move on. She almost wished she could rip out her own heart from her chest, just so she couldn't feel the pain. But knew it was impossible, her heart was firmly in Killian's hands. And he had crushed it to pieces that day on the docks. She heard a cough and turned to see Graham standing behind Belle.

"What do you want?" She asked, anger creeping into her voice.

"Umm I just came to talk to Belle. About our... English homework" he said, glancing at Belle.

"Fine. I'll start walking to lessons" Emma said, getting up and leaving the library. She wondered what Graham really wanted to talk to Belle about. She knew it wasn't _English homework_. Belle and her were in the _same_ English class for peat's sake! _If they had any homework, she would know about it_... Just what was Graham up to? Emma shook her head and walked more briskly to her class.

 

* * *

 

Killian was right about Belle not telling Graham anything. As soon as he had so much had said Emma's name, Belle became tight-lipped and told him –quite frankly- that he wasn't going to get anything out of her about Emma, unless Emma herself wanted him to know. He had protested, telling her he had her best interests in mind but Belle remained stubbornly loyal to her friend's secrecy. Head hung in defeat, Graham had walked back to Killian, who sighed as Graham relayed the news to him.

"Sorry Jones, I tried" he said, patting him on the shoulder, “Emma looked pretty upset though. And pissed off when I arrived. I did manage to overhear the tail end of her conversation, they were talking about Lily I think”

_"Lily?”_

“Yeah. Something about her being at the docks?” Graham glanced at Killian, expecting for this to jog some kind of memory.

Killian froze. Heart dropping to his stomach. Could it be possible that Emma had seen him and Lily at the docks kissing? _Don’t be stupid Jones. She doesn’t care who you go around kissing. Just cos you like her doesn’t mean she returns the feeling. Forget it._ Though Emma did have a history of popping up at his work unexpected, an event Killian usual received with delightful surprise. But, now, could be the worst thing imaginable that could happen to him, if it was true...

“Well, thanks for trying mate” Killian gave his friend a strained smile, then stalked off, hugging the walls in order to avoid the sight of a certain brunette, in search of his next class. And realised he didn't know what that was. Rounding the corner of the largely empty halls, not remembering whether he was late or early, Killian bit back a curse, stopped, and fumbled in his back for his timetable. Looking at he, he cursed again when he saw what was written there. Maths.   
"Why is it _always_ MATHS?" he cursed to himself, stuffing the creased piece of paper back into his bag and continuing to walk down the hall. He zipped up his bag as he walked, then looked up into a deserted hallway. Deserted all from one person, standing in the shadows, head hung low, walking towards him.

"Emma..." Killian whispered, voice broken with emotion though loud enough to echo through the hall.

The shadowed form stopped as she walked into a ray of sunlight beaming down through a skylight. Hair illuminated by the Sun, and highlighting her dazzling pair of peridot eyes rimmed red as she lifted her gaze to his. The pair of old friends stood stunned, staring at each other transfixed. For the first time, each not knowing what to say to the other.

 

 


	8. Broken Hearts

Killian stared at Emma. He had imagined this moment in his head a million times before. The moment when he finally found her, alone and not surrounded by all her friends. He rushes forwards, taking her in his arms and kisses her. Kisses her with all his love, want and desire. Kisses her until she's breathless. Then he looks into her eyes and can see glistening tears welling up as she clung to him and explained why she had been ignoring him. She told him she loved him, that she had always loved him. Which leaves him stunned for a moment before he pulls her to him and he is kissing her again.

“I love you, Emma Swan” he said as he pulled away and she grinned at him, "Always and forever"

He tries to focus as those words ring through his head, playing on his lips. Of course, that didn’t actually happen. It would never be that easy. And definitely not with Emma, who continues to stare at him for a moment before turning swiftly on her heel and storming back up the corridor. It takes him a moment to react.

“Emma! Wait! Please!” he cried after her, jogging to catch up with her.

“Go away Killian!” she called over her shoulder. For a split second he swore he could hear a tremble in her voice, but surely he must be wrong. Emma Swan did not get upset easily, much less cry easily. Especially not over boys. Especially not over him. He reached her and grabbed her arm, turning her to face him and was startled at the sight. His Emma had tears filling her red rimmed eyes and her face was grim as she stared him down.

“Please Swan. Just tell me, what have I done to upset you?” he whispered, scanning her eyes for any clue.

“Upset me! You haven’t upset me Killian" she said, brushing off his concern and wiping her eyes "I just don’t feel like talking right now” she sighed as she tried to disengage from the tight grip he had on her arm, moving to walk away.

“You haven’t felt like talking for an entire week! Emma... I miss you! What is going on?” he said. She stopped and turned to look at him, her face angry.

“Of course I haven’t felt like talking! You… Killian… I saw you." she finally admits, angry tear now rimming her eyes as she tries to keep from shouting, "At the party… kissing that girl” she looked at the floor, blushing and Killian could only stare at her. She _had_ seen him at the party. And it _upset_ her. Emma Swan. Upset. Because of _him_. His own heart began to waver.

“Emma… I”

“It doesn’t matter Killian. You’ve found someone to be with. That’s fine. I don’t mind. I don't even care. I just wish you had told me”

“What? Emma I never wanted to be with Lily! Please believe that. But... after the party she, she found me at school and she suddenly thought we had some connection. She really likes me and I can’t just break her heart by telling her I have no feelings for her. Can I? I have to try Emma” he sighed, wishing she would understand, “The kiss at the party was a mistake, Emma.”

“Then how do you explain the kiss at the docks!?”

“The docks... Emma. You saw that?” Killian looked shocked, grave and crushed.

“I did, I saw it all. And there I was come thinking I could apologise, make things up. I even brought... no, it doesn't matter now. _Why_ Killian? Why did you do this? Not tell me? I had to find out by seeing you, twice! Together. Do I really mean that little to you?”

“Swan... Emma... Can't you see? It's not that you mean so _little_ to me, no. Far from it. It's because you mean... _so much_ to me that I didn't tell you. I couldn't own up to it myself, I was so ashamed and guilty I wanted to forget, I couldn't tell you.... I couldn't even live with myself and admitting it to you would make it real. How could I tell you? I didn’t even _recognise_ her until I saw that damned birthmark on her wrist”

Emma looked at him, stunned.

“Birthmark? Lily has a birthmark?”

“Yeah, a star on her wrist. It doesn’t matter Emma, what matters is I made a mistake kissing her at the party. And now I have to deal with the consequences. What do you care anyway, I thought you and Neal were back at it again?” he said, scowling at the thought of Neal being with Emma.

“What? Me and Neal!? No Killian we are not together and anyway it’s none of your business” she glared back at him, "And no matter how noble you try to be. No matter how much you excuse yourself with _good form_. There isn't any way this ends without somebody's heart coming out of it broken. You hurt somebody, just accept that and learn to live with it, Killian" she turns from his stunned face, ripping her arm from his slackened grip and runs down the corridor before he has a chance to understand the true meaning behind those words. Realises what she was really telling him, that he broke her heart. Killian stands there, abandoned and alone in the corridor. He knew chasing after her wouldn’t work. If there was one thing Emma Swan was good at, it was running away.

 

* * *

 

When Emma finally reached her English classroom she took a few minutes to recollect herself and put herself together before entering the room, even though she knew she was already late. She sagged against the wall next to the door, breathing heavily, her mind whirring. Though this time, her thoughts weren't centred on Killian, they were, in fact, revolving around Lily. Killian said she had a birthmark. If it was true, it changed everything. She had to find out. Emma wiped her eyes, thanking the stars she hadn't worn make-up that day, steadied herself and entered the room, walking briskly to her seat in the corner. Today she was, for the first time, glad that Belle was busy in the library and not in the lesson. Because today she needed to think. To look at Lily, trying to see something, remember something. Lily was sat with Ashley, talking about something or other, when she handed her a book, exposing her wrist, and the strange birth mark revealed.

Emma's memories, her recent dreams of her time in care, suddenly all became clear. Recollection rushing back to her, she all at once remembered her once best friend clearly, in a way she hadn't been able too from the time she left with her parents on that fated day. All she had remembered of her was the birthmark. Not her time with her, not their friendship, not how it ended, not even her name. Just the birthmark.

_How could she have not seen it before?_

It all made sense now, why she had felt somewhat sad the day she had left the care home, why she would sometimes find herself doodling stars on her wrist when she was bored in lessons in Primary school. For the first time in a long time, Emma remembered clearly what had happened between them, the love, the trust, the friendship and finally... the guilt. The guilt of leaving her, of all but taking her parents-to-be. Emma inwardly cringed. But something in this didn't work out, didn't seem right.

_How could Lily have not recognised her?_

It was by chance that they ended up in the same school after all these years, and while it's plausible that Lily didn't remember her, that just didn't seem right. It wouldn't have taken Emma this long to remember had she been actually paying attention to the new girl and not consumed with thoughts of Killian, but Lily had spoken to her, started talking to her friends, even been... _with_ her best friend of all. Lily must have known who Emma was from the beginning. _Surely that can't all have been a coincidence?_ Lily couldn't have forgotten what happened between them, it must have broken her heart to see her best friend take her would-be parents. _It couldn't be a mistake._ Something didn't seem right, all Emma didn't know, was _what?_

 

* * *

 

Emma caught Lily after an hour of not paying attention in English, pulling her back just as she was leaving the room.  
"Hey! Lily!" She said as she fell into step beside Lily, "Can we, er...talk?"  
"What about?" She questions shorty, glancing sideways at Emma, "You've barely said two words to me since we met"  
"About us, our...past Lily. Look, I'm sorry that I ignored you then, I've been really stressed lately" she looked at Lily, biting her lip, "But we can't ignore that were in the system together Lily, I didn't realise it was you or even remember properly until Killian mentioned your birthmark and I saw it... Do you- don't you remember?"  
"Sure I remember Emma. How could I forget the best friend that betrayed me? How did it feel Emma, to ruin my chances at getting adopted? To destroy my chance at happiness? And now you want to talk!?" she spat, her voice transforming from feigned ignorance to bitter anger rising as she spoke, "So, no. _Forgive me_ , I don't want to to talk.” she mocked cruelly, dropping her voice to a sinister whisper “Don't think we can be friends now Emma. You ruined my life. But haven't you heard? I don't need you, I have Killian now” a wicked smile pulled at her lips, “ And if you try _anything_ to get between me and Killian. Let's just say it won't be my happiness that gets destroyed this time"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, we hope you're enjoying the story :) Feel free to comment and ask any questions ^_^  
> Dysphorite


	9. Old Friends

“Wh- what!?” Emma was stunned at Lily's words, shock filling her at the venomous promise of her once best friend, “Lily, wait! Why do you think I would want to ruin your happiness?”

“You've done it before, what's stopping you from doing it again?” Lily spat, walking briskly forward in the slowly emptying hall.

“We have to talk about this!” Emma ran to catch up with her.

“I'm done talking Emma”

“Well I'm not, so just listen” she moved to stand in front of Lily, blocking her path, all but forcing her to listen, “Look, Lily. You have to know that I never wanted to ruin your happiness, how could I? You were my best friend, I would never have done anything intentionally to hurt you, and the same is true now” “Oh yeah? Then why did you avoid me all of that week Emma? Huh?”

“I was...” Emma struggled for the words she's been too afraid and ashamed to admit for her entire life, she never thought she would have to. But now, with Lily still looking at her, eyes filled with hatred, waiting for her answer. She knew she had no choice, “I ran because I was so upset, afraid, hurt. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you but I couldn't make you stay. I knew I should have been happy for you but I couldn't help being filled with loneliness, fear and... abandonment. I know what I did was stupid and hurtful to you but it was the only way I thought I could survive you leaving. When you came in to the foyer that day, with my parents just at the door, I was on my way out. I didn't, please believe me, deliberately come in to take your parents. I was running, hiding from you because I knew you would be leaving and I couldn't handle it. I was on the brink of tears when my parents walked in, and that's what you saw. My mom was concerned and shocked by being met at the door by a crying child. I didn't want or mean to take your parents, your happiness. I just didn't want to lose my friend” Emma's voice was strained and weak by the time she finished, tears welling up in her eyes and she was thankful that the hallway had cleared now. She had cried more in one day than she had in years. Lily stared at her, taking in the information. But when she finally spoke, Emma's word meant nothing, changed nothing.

“Well you did. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you say or do. You lost me, and you didn't only do that. You took my parents! My chance at a life, at happiness! How could you do that Emma!? How could you!?” despite herself, Lily's own voice was wavering now and tears brimmed her eyes as she finally faced her once best friend.

“I didn't mean to! I told them that I didn't, wouldn't go without you but they said they couldn't take us both! I tried everything! I told them how good you were, how kind, smart and talented. I did everything to try and get them to take you and not me despite that I wanted nothing more than to be adopted, I didn't want to be adopted like that. I couldn't do that to you!”

“But you did Emma! WHY?!”

“Because after everything, after trying everything to explain to them. They didn't know what to do. They said they felt in their hearts that I was meant to be their daughter, the one they had looked for for so long. And I ran off, I couldn't take it. I ran to you to try and get you to go to them, convince them, tell

them I refused to go instead of you. But when I found you, you thought I had already agreed, that I was now to be their daughter instead of you. You said you hated me, that I would never be your friend any more. And that broke me. After that I saw no point in resisting any more. I went back to them and told them I would go, and I did, that day. But before I did I made Miss Andrews promise me something, promise me that she would find you a home. And I never forgot the sadness I felt that day, driving off in the car. For years it baffled me, I barely remembered the full events of that day, much less clearly. I couldn't imagine why I was so sad that day, the day that I was finally adopted, finally found a home should have been happy. But it wasn't, it never was... I know you hate me Lily, and you have good reason to. But please, can't you understand that?”

Lily faltered, she didn't know what to do with all of this new information. A part of her wanted to run to Emma and hug her, call her Em and tell her they would always be friends. But that part of her had long ago been filled, poison with dark, venomous hatred, because of her.

“How could I? You can talk to me all you want Emma, tell me all of this things you think will make things better. But it doesn't change the fact that you took them. You took them and RUINED my life, my happiness! Nothing will change that. You took my happiness away from me, and now I'm taking yours!” Lily shouted, biting back the tears in her eyes, not realizing she'd said too much, she turned and stormed away.

“Lily...” Emma choked out the word on a sob, sadness and regret filling her. But as Lily's last words ran through her mind, regret was replaced by confusion. Confusion that suddenly sank pitifully into dread.

_You took my happiness away.... and now I'm taking yours_

 

* * *

 

Emma hurried through the hallway, her eyes constantly moving, searching through the crowds of people looking for Killian’s dark hair. Where is he? She knew he had biology so where was he. Suddenly he appeared and thank god for once lily wasn’t attached to his arm like a leech. She barged through the crowds towards him, reaching out to grab his arm when he looked up and saw her. His eyes widened as she grabbed his arm and pulled him to outside, into a secluded corner.

“We need to talk” she stated

“What? We need to talk? I thought we tried that and you ran off?” he said, frowning.

“About Lily” she said, staring at him, “I talked to her after you mentioned her birthmark. We were in care together Killian, she used to be my best friend but she thinks I ruined her life. She’s using you Killian, to get at me, I just know it”

He looked at her incredulously for a moment, and then he laughed. Actually laughed at her. A short strained sort of laugh that came off as unexpected, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

“That’s ridiculous Emma, why would she do that?” he said, shaking his head.

“She said she was going to take away my happiness Killian. And that means that... means that the only thing she could do was... get to y- between us somehow. Because, well, my happiness... That's- That’s… you” she mumbled the last word quietly as if she was hoping he wouldn’t hear.

"What? Emma do you even hear yourself right now? What your saying is impossible. How could you say such things? You may have been in care with her Emma, but you don't even know Lily anymore. She would never do anything like that!"

"And you know her so well then. In the what, five minutes you've known her?" Emma shouted, emotion building in her voice.

"Right now, I think I know her better than I know you in this moment"

Killian's words cut Emma right to her core, flooring her with their message. They chipped away any pieces that her heart had left and fresh tears stung at her sore eyes, but in this moment she was too stunned, too angry to cry.

"Fine" Emma said, voice flat without emotion, "Believe her Killian. It's obvious that our friendship means nothing to you now. Because if you ever cared anything for me, you would never believe the word of a girl you just met over me. You would trust me." Face untelling of the devastation she was feeling, she looked up to meet Killian's torn blue eyes and face. Jaw set in anger, muscles flexing, he looked like he was about to say something but Emma cut him off, "No. Don't say anything. In fact, don't ever come to me again. You've made your choice. Goodbye Killian"

She turned and slowly walked away from the shadowed corner, leaving more behind than a stricken and torn Killian. In the wake of her footsteps was the shattered remains of their friendship, and with them, Emma's heart.

 

* * *

 

_It was 10 years ago. A year or so after Emma was adopted and had found her home. The day started off like any other, Emma hadn't known then, as she marched merrily into her school swinging her lunch box in one hand, waving goodbye to her mother with her other hand, that the day would be permanently ingrained into her memory. She hadn't been paying attention when her teacher Mr Glass announced they had a new student, she had been staring out the window, daydreaming, not listening at all. But when she saw him at lunch, standing alone in the playground, looking lost, her legs were carrying her towards him before she knew it, and suddenly she was in front of him.  
“Hi, are you new here?”_

_The young boy with dishevelled black hair and stormy blue eyes looked at her in confusion and surprise._

“ _Yes, I am”_

_Emma smiled hearing the boy's obviously foreign accent, making a mental note to ask him about it later._

“ _What's your name?” she asked happily._

“ _Killian Jones. I saw you, you're in my class. You were there when Mr Glass introduced me...?” Killian replied suspicious, wondering how she could have missed his name._

“ _Oh, well I was busy daydreaming then” Emma laughed_

_In years to come Killian wouldn't be surprised at how frequently and easily Emma would zone out completely from this world, and learn that the object of her perusal was usually a fairy-tale of some sort. Her daydreams full of princes, princesses, pirates and knights, horses and magic and curses and true love. But right now, he just laughed._

“ _Well it's nice to meet you...” he held out his hand in the way he saw adults do when they meet someone._

“ _Emma. Emma Swan” Emma finished, grabbing his hand and forcefully shaking it with the humour that only a child could gain from swinging the hand shake of someone up and down too hard. The two began to laugh together and stayed together for the rest of lunch time, groaning when they heard the bell ring signalling the end of lunch._

 

* * *

 

Killian sat locked in a stare off with the scratched surface of the lunch table, brooding over everything Emma had said, trying desperately, and failing, to find some kind of reason or meaning behind her words. She wasn't acting like herself, this wasn't the Emma he knew. Maybe she was jealous? He knew she didn’t like Lily that much but that she had so suddenly suggested that she would use him? It didn’t make sense. He hated the way they had left things, with her walking away. Her words haunted him. He wished he could have been nicer, more understanding but he had been so stupidly angry. She was judging Lily because she didn’t like her and that wasn’t good form, but still it wasn't like Emma to do such a thing. What she had said, that they used to be best friends. For as long as he knew _he_ had been Emma's best friend, so that must have been a long time ago. And in care... Emma had never told him about any of that and that hurt him a little, but he had never expected her to. He had never attempted to push the truth about that time of her life from her for he knew it hurt her so. But while he knew that being in care itself wasn't pleasant he had always sensed there was something more to the sad look in her eyes and the way she would turn her face from him each time the topic arose. And perhaps it could have been because of... Lily? It seemed impossible to him. Why should she bring this up now, and then expect him to blindly believe her with no information what so ever? Killian's thought turned over to the way they said goodbye earlier that day, confusion and anger soon sank into despair as her words flooded back to him. Killian stared unseeing down at the table as he wondered how in such a short space of time he and Emma had gone from best friends, to avoiding each other, to fighting and now... well whatever was going on between them now.

 _In fact, don't ever come to me again. You've made your choice.  
_ The way all emotion had drained from her face, her monotone voice as she said the words that cut straight to his soul. Surely she couldn't have meant that, there was no way? He couldn't imagine life without Emma as his best friend though that now seemed to be his life... and his future? She couldn't be so petty to never speak to him again because she didn't like his girlfriend so what was it? Did whatever happen with Lily all those years ago really hurt her so much to warrant this, or was there something more that he just wasn't getting? He sighed forlornly down at the table, dropping his head into his hands. He sensed that it was a combination of the two though how Emma expected him to understand without telling him anything, he didn't know. There wasn't any way he saw this ending well in that moment, no way that he and Emma could reconcile. But that couldn't be the end. It just couldn't.  
 _There isn't any way this ends without somebody's heart coming out of it broken_  
It just wasn't possible... was it?

 

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy guys ^_^


	10. Perfect Worlds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been told by Shut_up_im_reading that I'm no longer allowed to finish chapters because I'm too mean with the feels. Oops I guess? ;) Anyway, we hope you guys enjoy this chapter! We're working up to the Mid Season Finale, so be prepared for dramallama! Much dramallama! Thanks for reading ^_^  
> Dysphorite

In a perfect world, Killian realised the truth behind all of Emma's words, that it was _her_ with the broken heart. That is was Emma that he was meant to be with, Emma that had been there all along, in the background, watching as he made blunder after blunder trying to tip toe his way around his feelings for her. In a perfect world, Killian would realise that whatever was going on between him and Lily was nothing, meant nothing if Emma would be hurt by it, and that his life meant nothing if Emma was no longer part of it. In a perfect world, he would realise his mistake in his distractions now, and go to her, tell her everything and in return so would she. Emma would tell him about their time in a care home together, and how they parted. He would hold her as she cried, he would brush the tears off of her cheeks and replace them with gentle kisses where her skin shined from the tears, he would shh her sobs, sooth her cries, tell her everything was going to be okay. In a perfect world, they would be together already, in eachother arms, telling eachother just how long they had loved one another, come to laugh at all of their failed attempts of distractions. In a perfect world, Lily would be a forgotten memory, as Emma and Killian finally did what they had been avoiding all this time, and found their happy ending. But this was not a perfect world.

In five weeks’ time, nothing had changed. To everyone else their relationship was perfect, idyllic but, on the inside, Killian still felt the same as he had when he and Lily had first started dating. Nothing had changed. He still didn’t feel anything more than obligation bordering into complacency when he was with her. She wasn’t quite... right. She had wrangled a job at the café right by the boat hire centre and they met there sometimes when he finished work. Killian thought that doing these things with her would make him feel something. But it wasn’t anything like when he and Emma went. She always seemed somewhere else, focused on something else. When he played his guitar she only clapped politely at the end of the song in an obligatory sort of way. And Killian couldn't shake the memories of how Emma would stop him halfway through and tell him to change a lyric or a chord. She always helped him improve his lyrics, give depth and meaning to his words. Lily only half listened and never had any comments other than “that was good” or “nice song”. He tried taking her places he went with Emma. He was hoping that if he could have fun with Emma, be happy, light hearted with Emma. That maybe he could enjoy it with Lily, that doing these things with her would make him feel something.... more. That maybe doing the things he did with Emma, being in the places they went would evoke those familiar feelings of warmth, safety and... _love_. _More_ than friendship for her. If it was even that. He took her out sailing like he used to with Emma, but she just complained about getting cold and wet. He took her out to dinner and gave her his jacket on the way home, just like every girl wanted, but she never seemed to enjoy it much. There were a few moments when Emma’s words would float back into his head. That Lily was using him and he found himself in those moments considers even the slight possibility that it could be true. But then there were moments where Lily was so _kind_ , so _sweet_ , that he honestly couldn’t believe she would ever do something like that. There was a time when he brought her flowers because he didn’t feel like he was being a good boyfriend and she seemed genuinely happy and she had put them down and jumped into his arms before giving him a gentle kiss on the cheek, proclaiming how she didn't deserve him, how he was the best boyfriend and the twinkle in her eyes spoke of her sincerity. Then on their one month anniversary she had appeared on his doorstep with a hand knitted scarf wrapped tenderly in tissue paper in hand, a scarf that had a K,lovingly embroidered on the end. He wore it now while he cleaned a boat. He heard footsteps behind him and turned.

“Hey Killian” Lily called as she approached, “I had a break so I brought you coffee”

It was moments like these he knew he couldn’t doubt her.

“Thanks Lily” he said, taking the coffee and placing it down on the boat, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards him, placing a gentle kiss onto her cheek. Her cheeks turned red and he wondered what had gotten into her. She never usually blushed at public displays of affection. It was moments like these where he wished with all of his heart that there was a way, some way that he could ever be the man she thought he was, feel the things he said he did. It was moments like these where he felt his worst, because he was thinking of Emma.

 

* * *

 

Her cheeks flamed as he kissed her and she didn’t know why she was having such a strong reaction to it. It was just a kiss. He had kissed her plenty of times and not just on the cheek. She wondered for a moment the what ifs. What if she wasn’t using Killian for revenge? What if he didn’t like Emma so much? What if she had gotten to know him because she wanted to not because she had to to ruin Emma’s life? What if they had just met, two people, a boy and a girl with no strings attached, would there have been a way, a time for them? Could they ever have really been what appearances said they were. But then the moment would pass, and he would do something, say something, have a look of his face that would bore her, remind her where she was, who she was, what she was doing and who she was doing it for. But as their time together wore on, she began to question just who she was doing that for, in times like this anyway. And then it would wash over, the sudden check of reality carried in the tide of revenge that she was surfing with a smile so bitter sweet with the taste of vengeance. And she knew she couldn't think of these things, couldn't wonder these things, couldn't questions these things. Because only one thing mattered, and that was her revenge.

 

* * *

 

_It was the last day of primary school and Emma and Killian sat in the empty playground, looking out across the deserted space._

“ _I’m gonna miss it” Emma said suddenly, turning to face him._

“ _Yeah” he replied, looking at her, “You know I never dated a single girl at this school. I’ve never kissed a girl either. Do you think I’ll get called names at our new school because of it?”_

_Emma glanced at him, a small grin spreading across her face._

“ _Seriously? I would have thought you kissed loads of girls. You’re such a charmer”_

“ _Obviously not good enough” he replied, sighing, “have you ever kissed a guy Emma?”_

“ _Sure” she said, shrugging as if it was no big deal._

“ _Who?” he asked, turning away. He didn’t really want to know because it wasn’t him._

“ _Graham”_

“ _Graham? As in my best friend Graham!?” he said, turning back to her, his mouth open._

“ _Sure. It was no big deal Killian. We dated for a while and we kissed. So what?”_

_He perked up at these words and used them to his advantage._

“ _Well then Emma if it’s no big deal maybe you should kiss me?” he glanced at her reaction out of the corner. She tensed for a minute before relaxing and turning to look at him._

“ _Okay. Why not?”_

“ _Okay”_

_There was a moment of silence as they looked at each other. Killian cleared his throat._

“ _So… how does this work?” he asked tentatively._

“ _Just stay still and shut your eyes” she said, shaking her head at him._

“ _If the lady wishes” he said nervously._

_He felt her lean closer to him, her hand reaching up, her fingers tangling in his hair. His heart was beating wildly in against his chest as she came closer, closer. He felt her breath as she leaned closer and suddenly her lips were on his. He stayed still to start with because he had never done this before and what was he meant to do? But somehow he found his hands in her hair and then she was gone. Pulling away she leant her forehead against his._

“ _That was…” he started to say._

“ _A one-time thing..." Emma breathed, eyes still half closed, "That was... weird Killian, let’s not do that again. You’re my best friend”_

_He smiled at her but inside he felt… sad. Still transfixed, held captive by her kiss as his lungs deflated. He didn’t want it to be a one-time thing. He didn’t think it was weird because they were best friends. But if she didn't want it, how could he enforce it on her? If staying friends would keep Emma happy, he was willing to leave it a while and see what happened._

“ _Sure, that’s… fine” he stuttered airily._

“ _Okay! Hey look my mom’s here I’ve gotta go! Byeee!” she grinned and gave him a hug before she stood and ran across the playground. She stopped and turned before getting in her mom’s car and waved. He returned it feebly, feeling deflated. He turned and started walking home._

_As each step carried him closer and closer towards his home in the glowing amber light of early summer, Killian kicked at loose gravel, ambling without aim. He looked up and around him into the warm summer air, with the quiet chirping of grasshoppers within the long blades of grass and the azure, cloudless sky gently beginning to melt into vibrant reds and oranges as the Sun set on his clueless years of youth. He felt it burgeoning in his chest then, on that day on their last day of primary school. He felt it from the moments their lips had touched and their breaths had mingled and their fates had become irrevocably entwined. He knew it then, as he sighed, looking out into the summer sky, that his best friend was suddenly someone more, someone irreplaceable, someone precious, someone he was meant to be with, to stay with. To protect and to nurture. To have and to hold. Someone to... love._

_Even if he didn't understand it then, he felt it that day, in the early years of their adolescence. As the Sun hung low in the sky, shining like a jewel, and the grasshoppers sung. As the breeze carried dandelion seeds dancing in the wind and the air was sweet with the fresh scent of blossoming petals. As bees began to buzz from flower to flower and butterflies awoke and drifted lightly in the swaying breeze that tickled the branches of the trees and caressed the pinkened cheeks of the boy who's sighs blended and mingled with the sprightly breath of summer's love, that gentled ambled along the lonely road that unforgettable summer's day._

_It was the day that Killian Jones first knew that he loved Emma Swan._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Over the Edge

He had gone over a month without talking to Emma, but still when she entered a room his eyes would instantly pick her out like a compass finding north. And lunch that day was no exception. Lily had wandered off to her friends after dragging Killian into the lunch hall and now he sat alone, across the room from their little group, watching Emma from a distance, though to anybody who didn't know better, it would appear like he was watching Lily, like any good boyfriend would. His expression became curious as he observed the little group, there seemed to be a very obvious rift separating Emma and Belle from Lily, Ashley, Ruby and Tilly. His brow furrowed as the Ashley and Tilly seemed to lean into one another with Ruby and Lily in between, discussing something intently in hushed tones and casting the occasional thinly veiled scowl in Emma's direction. In the middle, Ruby look incredibly uncomfortable and uncertain, her looks were more agitated and even afraid than scowls, but Lily, Lily looked far different. Killian's eyes narrowed at her. Lily's eyes were moving, following the conversation with a gleeful smile seeming to grow at each comment passed over. She was smiling, and this time, it didn't seem innocent, or even smitten, it seemed... devious.

 

* * *

 

It had been over a month since she had spoken to him. The memory of their last conversation lingered in her mind and she cringed as she remembered. She was in the lunch hall with Belle, just to the side of her supposed friends. She had been watching them out of the corner of her eye so she knew they were talking about her. She couldn’t stand it much longer.

“Hey” she said to Belle, interrupting her in the middle of telling her about how Rumple had stood her up at the weekend, “sorry Belle can we talk later? I’ve got to go”

“Oh… sure” she muttered, smiling at her, “I’ll see you later I guess”

Emma stood and made her way out of the lunch hall, not missing Killian’s eyes following her as she walked past him. She was almost at the door when she felt a hand grab her sleeve. She turned to see Ruby standing behind her.

“Emma can we… talk?” she said, turning to look back at her friends nervously.

“Sure what’s up Ruby?” Emma replies as they walk into the corridor.

“Well…I was umm… with the girls and they were talking… about you…” she stuttered, glancing at Emma cautiously.

“Yeah I guessed that by the way they were looking at me. So what?”

“Well they were saying... stuff and Emma, none of it was good. In fact it was really bad, if any of it got out...”

"If any of it got out what?" Emma bit back, anger rising at Ruby's insinuation.

"Then... I don't know exactly, but nothing good! Friends would turn on you, school would become a living hell"

"And you believe it? This stuff? Because it seems to me that if you were my friend, that wouldn't be the case"

"I am your friend! That's why I'm trying to warn you!"

“Warn me? Seriously Ruby? If you were really my friend you would have said something, stood up for me! I can take care of myself I don’t need you warning me because you need to feel good about yourself!” she cried, whirling to face Ruby.

“I… Emma, I tried. Lily was telling them about...”

“I don’t care Ruby. I don’t care what Lily has to say about me. If you cared so much you wouldn’t care about it either. It doesn’t matter what other people think”

“You and Killian” Ruby said, raising her voice to finish her sentence, her face flushed from her sudden outburst.

“What?” Emma breathed, her voice quiet.

“She said you were being a bitch to Killian, making him feel bad about himself. She said you told him he should break up with her. That you hated her and you didn’t care at all about his feelings”

“What? Why would she say that? How did she… Killian told her” Emma stuttered, hanging her head and curling her hands into fists.

“Emma. She said we should spread rumours about you… wait Killian told her what?”

Emma was already turning away, hurrying back down the corridor, tears forming in her eyes. Killian told Lily about their conversation. He didn’t even trust her anymore. It was her own fault really, she was the one ignoring him. She blocked out the noise of Ruby calling to her and stormed away, heading to the front entrance. She kept her head down, moving swiftly through the corridors, back past the lunch hall and out of the doors. Suddenly she heard a laugh and she looked up.

_Crap._

Killian and Lily were heading towards her, heads close together. They hadn’t seen her. She hurried along staying close to the wall, breathing a sigh when she past. She stopped at the end of the corridor and turned to look at their receding forms. She saw Lily turn her head back to look Emma right in the eye before winking at her and stopping Killian in the hall, grabbing his coat and tugging his lips to meet hers in a forceful kiss. Emma gasped and turned away faintly hearing Killian’s voice in her mind.

_Emma. Emma! EMMA!_

She couldn’t distinguish if his voice was real or her imagination as she hurried towards the school entrance and flung herself through the gates. Away. She needed to get away.

 

* * *

 

Half an hour after, Emma found herself in the forest at their tree, hers and Killian’s. They had claimed this as theirs when they were younger, scratching their initials into the bark. They used to climb this tree, use it as a hideaway. When things got stressful they hid here, away from everything. When they got older they started going to the café and she hadn’t been here in years. She stroked her fingers over the rough bark, breath catching in her throat as she found the familiar shapes on the tree. Reaching up she slowly climbed up the tree to the spot they used to sit in. She gazed across to the next branch, where Killian should be. She remembered him there, laughing, joking with her, trying to make her forget her problems. He should be here. She reached into her bag, shuffling her things around until she found a scrap of paper and a pen. She carefully unfolded the paper and wrote:

_I miss you_

She folded the paper up and tucked it into the hole in the tree where they used to leave each other messages. She fumbled about in her bag again, tears burning her eyelids, blurring her vision until she found spare bit of ribbon in the depths of her bag. It would do. She tore the ribbon out of her bag and with shaking hands, tied it in a knot around the old branch above her so that it now flapped with a rustle in the whipping breeze. It was hopeless, she knew it. He would never see it, she knew it. He would never come back here again, she knew it all. But she couldn't stop herself from tying the ribbon in the familiar old way they would each time they left a new message there, so the other knew there was a new message there. She knew that the piece of paper and the shakily written scrawl upon it would only rot and wither in the old wood but she had to do something. Anything. And if this was the only way she would be able to feel close to Killian now, then there was nothing else she could do. Having tied the knot tightly on the branch, her rugged breaths began to even and her sobs slowly became rattled sighs. After a few minutes spend listening to only the whooshing of the wind and the rustling of the dancing leaves in the lonely wood, Emma had pulled herself together enough to slowly descend from the tree and walk away, in the direction of her home. The dull shine of the red ribbon catching the sunlight as it flapped uncontrollably in the wind as she went.

 

Emma got home ten minutes later. Opening the door, she walked into the kitchen and spotted her parents, sitting at the table, deep in discussion. They looked up when she entered.  
"Emma" her mother, Mary Margaret said softly as she stood, "We need to talk"  
"....Why? Did I do something wrong?" Emma asked dubiously  
"No, of course not" her mother replied with a worried expression, rising from her seat to look down at Emma with pained eyes.  
"Then what is it? What's happened? Is something wrong?" Emma rushed forward and grabbed her mothers hands.  
"No, no Emma, nothings wrong honey" she said, a smile spreading across her face, "We have exciting news!" She glanced at David before continuing, "I know we always said we would only have you, and you will always be our beautiful girl Emma. And will always be true, you mean the world to us Emma. But... we decided now your growing up and you will be moving away in a few years... so, well... I'm- I'm pregnant"  
Emma froze. What? They had always told her they would never have any other children after finally finding her in care. They said after they felt the connection, it was meant to be. She was the daughter they always wanted, always hoped for. And now they were having a baby?  
"W-what?" She stuttered, staring at her parents in shock, "You're having a- a baby?"  
"Yes honey! Isn't it exciting!" Her mum said, pulling Emma into a hug, "I know it's going to be difficult and that it'll be hard for you at first, but you're going to have a little brother or sister! We're going to be one big happy family!"  
"Um.. Yeah.. It's great. I'm happy for you" she said, a weak smile on her face, "I'm gonna go upstairs, I need to do my homework"  
She turned away, tears forming in her eyes. She didn't need this. Not now. She didn't need the added stress of a baby in the house. She couldn't deal with the constant reminder that she wasn't enough, and she couldn't help but feel unwanted, unloved. She had enough to deal with. And she also felt kind of ... Abandoned. Her parents had always said she was special, the only child they needed, and now they had chosen to have another one, one of their own, a family. A family that she would never really be a part of... because she wasn't theirs. She didn't have her mother's eyes, like the baby could. Of her father's chin, like the baby could. She would never be told she had her mother's smile or her father's stubbornness. She wouldn't have any of it. She wasn't enough. So they wanted another child, one of their own to have that with. Just like her first foster family, the one she had before she went to the care home where she had met Lily. Even though they had had her since she was a baby, raised her, soothed her screams, changed her nappies, taught her to walk and talk. When she had just turned 3, they found out they were expecting. And just like that, Emma was sent back. Without even a second glance. And Emma couldn't help but feel like that girl again, being left with only a teddy bear and a suitcase at the care home as her foster parents drove away. Tears overtook her, she choked on sobs as she closed the door to her bedroom, falling back onto it and slowly sliding to the floor, silent cries racking her body.

She needed air, she needed to breathe. She needed someone to comfort her, tell her she was wrong. To tell her she wasn't just wanted. That she was needed.

She needed Killian.

Despite everything that had happened between them. Despite the weeks of not talking. She needed him right now, only he could make this right. And despite everything, she knew he would listen, she knew he would be there for her. Because nothing else mattered right now, not Lily, not the fight, not anything. Because Emma's world was collapsing all about her and the only one who could fish her out of the rubble and put the pieces back together was him. Only him.

_Killian, I need you._

It was only ever him.

She picked herself off of the floor and collapsed onto her bed, crawling up to the window and pushing it open. Emma carefully placed her feet on the window ledge and, using the climbing wisteria for a ladder, climbed to the ground. Silently running out of the back gate and onto the street, in the direction of the docks, the café. To Killian.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst! Much Angst!


	12. Goodbye

In fifteen minutes of flat out running, Emma had made it to the docks. It was a long shot that he would be there, but before she even knew where she was going she was half way to the café already. But some part of her knew, just knew that he was there today. Just like he always was, how they used to be every Friday after school. He would bring his guitar, she would bring the notepad and pen, and together they would write and sing. Ignorant of the amused onlookers filling the café around them, they were never annoyed at the mellifluous strum of Killian's guitar, their singing, or even their arguing. No, the other guests at the café enjoyed their playing, some even came regularly just to see them there, Emma had caught two of them in deep discussion whilst they were playing once and for some reason she had a sneaky suspicion that they were making some kind of bet, but she didn't know what on so she overlooked it and carried on. All of these memories of the past flooded through Emma's distraught mind as she ran to the café, across the docks, passing many the confused passer-by. All she could think of was Killian. Killian. She needed him right now, her world was falling apart around her and the only one she could count on was him. As her vision was blurred with tears and she could no longer make out the world around her, he remained clear to her, constant, always. She would always see Killian, he would always be there, no matter what.

All of these things were running through Emma Swan's mind as her feet carried her around the last corner and then stop dead in their tracks as the sight of the café came into view.

And one thing was excruciatingly clear.

Killian was there, just like always. With his guitar in hand and a loving expression on his face as he strummed the taught strings into a harmonious melody.

Killian... and Lily.

The loving expression, it was no longer aimed at her. It was for Lily.

There was nothing for her here anymore.

Emma's body almost collapsed beneath her as everything came finally crashing down around her, the weight of the world pulling her to the ground. She was finally crumbling, breaking to pieces. And there was no one left to pick up the pieces. No one saw Emma Swan fall on the docks that day. She was drowning, suffocating in her own pain. It felt like a thousand daggers ribboning her flesh with tiny cuts and she was bleeding out onto the floor. She felt her heart couldn't take any more, it was broken. This time thoroughly. There was nothing left of her there. Just an empty shell of what used to be Emma Swan. Her eyes were alight with pools of tears running freely down her face contorted with pain. They flowed incessantly, she thought they would never stop. She was no longer needed, wanted, there was no place for her here anymore. Her parents had a new baby on the way, one of their own. Her friends had Lily now, Killian had Lily now. She had been replaced on every account. She was a heap on the ground, curled into herself on the empty docks as she cried herself dry. There was nothing to keep her here anymore. Nothing for her. No one to stop her. Slowly, Emma picked herself up, mopping up her tears as they continued to flow. With a strangled sob she cast one last look at the café and turned from it, hugging herself. And then she was once again running, each stride staggering and clumsy.  
Only this time, she wasn't going to stop.

 

* * *

 

Killian's mind was wandering again. It always did when he played his guitar because in his mind Emma was there. Emma was always there. Not this time. This time it was Lily sitting by his side, smiling as he sang. He was trying so hard to feel something, anything for her but when he started playing his mind went back to Emma. Emma consumed his every thought, every feeling, every inch of his heart which pulsed through his body and into his playing.

 

* * *

 

Emma's first stop was back to her house, sneaking in the door up to her room. She pulled her old camping backpack out of her wardrobe and packed a few of her favourite things, clothes, essentials and the entirety of her savings of birthday and Christmas money, combined with her pocket money and shoved it all into the pack. Slinging the bag over her shoulder, she turned back for one last look at her house and then she was gone, out of the window again and down the street without a backwards glance. She went through the forest to his house, stopping briefly by the tree as a last and final goodbye.

 

* * *

 

Neal opened his front door, head down as he headed out to work. He stopped suddenly, looking up and spotting a form heading towards his house.

Emma.

She stumbled towards him, hand wrapped tightly around her body. She lifted her head to look up as she approached and saw him.

“Neal” she said, before the tears started flowing and she stumbled again, almost falling. He darted out to catch her, supporting her enough to get her inside.

“Emma? Emma what’s the matter?”

“Neal… I’m sorry. I… I need help” she mumbled between sobs, “I need you to cover for me… tell people I’m staying at yours. Killian. Don’t tell Killian… I need to go”

“Emma calm down! Why do you need to go? What’s he done?” he asked angrily, frowning at the mention of Killian.

“Nothing. I just… I need to leave. I need to cool off for a bit. Please Neal? Just help me” she said, tears slowing as she looked at him. A large backpack pulled over her shoulders as if to prove the fact that she’s going. How could he deny her when she looked at him like that? He knew she would never love him, never look at him the way she did Killian but surely if he did this for her she might start to see him as more than just a friend, an acquaintance, someone to distract her from things? Maybe even someone she can trust enough to tell what’s going on?

“Okay. I’ll help. Just please be careful Emma” he said, hugging her and stroking his thumb along her cheek, wiping away the tears.

 

* * *

 

Killian left the café and headed home, taking the long route through the forest. The breeze lifted his hair as he walked, in a daze. His thoughts turned to Emma again. He used to come here with her when they were younger. He hadn’t been this way since then. There was a tree up ahead that he and Emma used to climb in, leaving each other notes in a hidden hole in the bark, trying a ribbon to the branch lower down to notify when there was a message. He sighed, staring at the ground, his feet carrying him to the tree. He stopped when the trunk came into his vision, slowly looking up at it. It was then that he noticed the ribbon. Bold red, it drifted in the breeze. His hand shook as he lift his arm to untie the bow. He tugged the ribbon until it gave and gently fell into his palm. A small piece of paper, folded up, fell from under the ribbon, landing on the mossy ground. He froze. Emma. Reaching down, he grabbed the paper and read it.

_Goodbye._

_She was leaving? Why had she left a note here? Did she want him to find it? Why hadn’t she said anything else?_ His mind was a blur, questions rushing through his head. He knew the answers he just didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t think he would find it, she didn’t want him to know where she was going. She didn’t care. Through all the blurred questions and answers he had an idea. He pulled himself up, dropping his bag onto the floor and heaving himself up the tree. He found the hole soon enough and nestled inside was another note, bigger than the last one. He leant back against the trunk of the tree as he read it.

 

_Killian._

_I know I haven't been the best of friends lately, and that by the time you find this note, if at all, I will be gone, out of your hair forever. But I couldn't go without saying goodbye to you Killian, you meant, mean everything to mean, so please know that I will never forget you. You will always hold a special place in my heart, no matter how far I go and if we never see each other again. I know that you've found someone to make you happy, when all I gave you was pain and for that I'm glad, but I can no longer stand the pain of watching it. I'm not going to stand between you any longer, I will not be the one to come between you and your love, your happiness. I'm happy that you've found the one you are to be with Killian, happy you've finally found someone to give your everything to, someone to love. Happy you've finally found your place in life. But I'm sorry that life just doesn't involve me. So, I'm leaving. I am no longer needed, there's nothing, no one to keep me here. You'll all be better off without me around. Just, please know that no word I ever told you was a lie. My only regret is that I didn't tell you everything I have felt, everything I know in my heart. But I will always remember you Killian. You were always more than a best friend. Be happy, Killian._

_Yours forever,  
Emma_

 

Inside the folded paper was another note. This one simply said:

_I miss you._

He felt his legs tremble and didn’t register he the fall from the tree until he was there, collapsed on the forest floor, Emma’s note crushed in his palm. Tears welled up in his eyes. He could hardly move and not from the pain of the fall. This was his doing, his fault. This had happened before, when Emma hit a low point she opted to run and he had always been there to stop her, convince her to stay, sort it out. He never thought it would be him that made her run. Tears trickled down his cheeks and he brushed them away harshly. He had to do something. She couldn’t just leave. Maybe if he found her he could tell her how he felt. No that would only scare her further. What could he possibly say to stop her anyway? He felt like he lost any kind of hold on her when he chose Lily over her. He pushed himself up from the cold ground, wincing as he stood. He didn’t let the pain slow him. It made him stronger, more determined to get to Emma.

 

* * *

 

 

Somehow he found his way to her house. He knocked loudly on the front door, knowing her parents would be home by now. The door was opened a second later by Mary Margaret, looking at him with a slight frown.

“Killian? Are you okay? Why are you covered in dirt?” she said, looking him up and down.

Killian hadn’t even noticed the dirt and leaves stuck to him from his fall in the forest.

“Oh... I’m fine thanks I just tripped in the forest. Umm is Emma around?” he asked, shifting uncomfortably. David appeared in the hall behind his wife.

“David” he said, nodding his head in greeting. He had always got on well with Emma’s dad but now he had a stern look in his eyes as he looked at Killian.

“Killian” he replied coldly, a frown twisting his features. This was the side of David Nolan he didn’t want to see directed at him. This was the David that would do anything to protect his daughter.

“Neal phoned a while ago to tell us Emma is staying at his for a while. Said she was a little stressed and wanted some time away from home” Mary Margaret said, shooting David a look that said ‘go easy on him’, “I would have thought she would stay with you”

 _Neal? Emma had gone to Neal? After all he had done to help her recover from that idiot breaking up with her? They actually believed that?_  
They actually had no clue that Emma was running again. He sighed.

“Yeah well Emma hasn’t really been hanging out with me much lately” he said, trying to keep his face still, he didn’t want them to see how much it hurt that she went to Neal instead of him when she needed help.

“I don’t know what’s up with her lately she seems so… lost” Mary Margaret said, shaking her head a bit and turning to go back inside, “It was nice to see you Killian. I hope you and Emma work it out”

She left, leaving David and Killian there. David turned towards Killian once she was gone and glared at him.

“Okay, listen Killian. You had better work it out with Emma. She has been moping about since she stopped hanging out with you. I’m worried she’s going to get upset and leave again. Whatever it is that started this I want you to sort it okay?”

“I’m trying I really am it just seems like every time I try I mess it up and make it worse. I didn’t realise it upset her so much” he said, looking David in the eye, wanting him to see how serious he was.

David stared at him for a moment before continuing.

“Well Emma really likes you Killian. She cares for you. You make her happy. I don’t know what’s going on or why she is suddenly so upset, but please Killian sort it out. I don’t like seeing my daughter sad” he sighed and shook his head.

“I’ll try David” he replied, moving away from the door, “I’ll try” his voice carried out to the wind as he turned from the door, in the direction of Neal's house.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! We're sorry! We know it's been really angsty and feelsy but this is the Mid Season Finale and it wouldn't be OUAT without some feels? We're trying to add in some fluffy bits amongst the angst for your benefit, to make it less traumatising but, what can I say, we can't help it :)  
> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy!  
> Dysphorite


	13. Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting serious now! But don't worry, after this is resolved you'll be awarded with the fluffiest of fluff than fluff can get because -after this- we all deserve it! ;)  
> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy ^_^

Neal had said goodbye to Emma a while ago, waving from his front door as she walked off before he too left to get to work. He knew she could deal with it she was strong like that. It was why he knew he couldn’t stop her, only help her as much as he could. And if that meant covering for her for as long as possible that was fine.

It turned out he didn’t have to cover for long.

He arrived back from work and saw a figure standing on his doorstep. He thought for a second it might be Emma but the figure was too tall for her. He slowed as he approached, the porch light showing him who stood at his door.

Killian. His face was full of anger, his arms folded across his chest as he watched Neal approach.

“Look Killian if this is about Emma…” before he could say anymore Killian moved. He rushed forward and grabbed Neal by the collar, slamming him against the wall.

“Where is she?” he hissed, his face contorted in anger, “I know she was here you snake. I spoke to your parents and they say that Emma was only here for a while. Where has she gone?”

“I don’t know man I’m sorry”

“Don’t lie to me, _mate_ ” he snarled, “You’re covering for her aren’t you?”

“Yeah, okay, I was but she didn’t tell me where she was going okay. Can you put me down now”

Killian visibly slumped, letting his grip loosen on Neal.

“I’m sorry, I just want to make sure she’s okay” he said, shaking his head.

“Yeah well maybe if you just left her alone man. She doesn’t need your help"

"You really believe that, don't you?" Killian spat.

"Of course, she’s independent, Emma. She doesn't need anybody”

He saw Killian’s fist heading for his face but he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

 

* * *

 

Neal blinked and slowly sat up. He was on the ground, his nose dripping blood onto his front yard, “What the hell bro?”

“Shut up. Emma might be strong but she can’t do this alone. You don’t know what it was like when you left her. I looked after her, I held her every day while she cried because you broke her heart. This is what happened last time! She ran away when you broke up with her! You left her to go on her own Neal. I was the one who followed her, who picked up the pieces. You have no idea, do you?” he scowled at Neal, his hands clenched into fists to stop himself hitting Neal again. God he hated the coward. He should have punched him sooner.

“I thought she came back of her own accord” Neal said, his brows creasing together.

“Exactly. You don’t know how long it took me to bring her back. She was hysterical. She was careless. I found her sat in an abandoned, crumbling building. She could have been killed but she was too upset to notice how much danger she was in. You just think she ran off and came back when she calmed down. She ran off and almost died and I watched it happen. She heard me coming and the building almost collapsed around her. It would have if hadn’t got her out. She told me never to tell her parents or you but you just don’t get how careless she becomes in these situations. Especially now when she thinks she has nothing to live for” his voice was almost a whisper by the end of the sentence.

Neal was quiet for a moment before he spoke.

“She headed off towards the bus stop if that helps?”

“Of course that bloody helps you bastard” Killian yelled, trying to restrain himself from hitting Neal again. It didn’t work. He left Neal on the ground, blood trickling from his nose down his face as he ran towards the bus stop, towards Emma.

 

* * *

 

Emma was sat, hunched over on the little bench inside the bus stop and it was cold, freezing even. It seemed spring hadn't caught up with Storybrooke yet -despite it being late March- as it was as cold as a Winter frost and Emma cursed that she hadn't thought to bring a coat. Her hands shivered as she dug her phone from her pocket to check the time. It had just gone five, which, unfortunately for Emma, meant that the last bus out of town that day had already been and gone, so she was stuck here, in the cold and the fading light, until morning. Emma huffed a sigh that expanded in a cloud of translucent smoke before her, supposing that she should get used to this.

This is her life now, on the run.

She stuffed her phone back in the pocket and drew up her legs so that she was balancing precariously on the narrow bench, hugging her knees for the extra warmth. Beside her sat her backpack, full of all of her necessities that she couldn't bear to leave without. Among them her notebook, full of lyrics that she had written with _him_. She pulled her arms from her legs and withdrew the notebook from the bag, flicking to the last page written on, the rough copy of the last lyrics she had written for Killian, and beside it the ripped remains of the paper she had used to write him that final goodbye, the goodbye he would never receive. She pulled out a pen and began to write again.

 

_Alone on a path set only for me_

_Footsteps behind me, never perceived_

_The sun before, sets on my final goodbye_

_In the shadow of the light is where I hide_

 

As the words poured from Emma's mind and onto the page, her eyes began to droop. Sighing, she closed the notebook in her lap and let her hands fall lax atop it as her head fell back to rest on the cool plastic of the bus stop. The last thing Emma Swan saw, before she was pulled into the realms of sleep, was the Moon beginning to shine through the fading blue of the Spring sky, and her last thought was how the beautiful hue of the skies above her, washing over her, reminded her of a familiar pair of light blue eyes.

Emma Swan's last thought was of Killian Jones.

 

* * *

 

_In her dreams they were back in Primary school again, a couple weeks after she had first met Killian and their friendship had sparked. Back when things were simple and easy, and both of them didn't think anything more than what was in that moment and didn't care about whatever lies in their future. In her dream they were at the tree, it was the time they had first stumbled upon it together as they were playing hide and seek in the woods. Killian was the seeker and as he began to count -not slowly- from one to twenty, Emma ran and, finding no where else, scrambled up the teeming branches, as high as she dared to go until she finally heard his voice, calling to her through the trees._

“ _Ready or not, here I come!”_

_For a minute or two, all Emma could hear was the rustling of the leaves and swaying of the branches against eachother, but soon, she could hear the tell tale crunch of footsteps on the forest bed. Crunching leaves and snapping twigs and through it all._

“ _Is that the best you can do, Swan!”_

_She closed her eyes and smiled, of course he had found her._

“ _This is a good hiding place! How did you find me up here?” she shouted down. He didn't reply for a minute but she soon found out why, as he climbed the solid branches to perch on a branch just below her._

“ _No matter what you do, I will always find you”_

_Emma rolled her eyes at his smirk, snapping off a twig and throwing it at him._

“ _Sap!” she shouted._

“ _Hey!” he laughed, batting her missiles away, “Okay, okay, okay! I yield! Stop!”_

_Her arm fell lax and she allowed her head to fall back onto the wide trunk she was resting against. The breeze lifted her hair from her shoulders and rustled the leaves surrounding them, some falling victim to its forceful touch and lifting, drifting to the ground around them in the Autumn wind. Neither spoke for a moment as each caught their breath and listened to the world around them. Emma never thought she would have this, a friend like this. Never before had she felt so at ease, so happy by the sole influence of another person. Before she even knew it, they were laughing, chatting, joking together constantly. They were inseparable and everybody knew it. In those days, the memory of a face of a girl with a birthmark of a star were confused, buried and forgotten. Killian had smiled away the haunts of her betrayal and the goodbye with his smile and his laugh. They were a package deal, a team. And it had come so easily, so quickly, so unexpectedly, what Emma never thought she would have.  
A best friend. _

“ _Let's make it official!” Emma said through her smile._

“ _Make what official?” Killian replied, looking up at her in confusion._

“ _That you're my best friend of course! Here, give me your hand”_

_Killian obliged, offering her his hand, which she took and placed in on the ledge where a branch had snapped off which lay between them, over where her other hand already rested. She then breathed in deeply, as if readying herself for something as he could only look on with a bemused expression at her._

“ _What are you doing Swan?” he laughed._

“ _We're making a vow”_

“ _A vow? Like a promise?”_

“ _Yes, a promise to be best friends forever, no matter what” she met his gaze and, for a moment, faltered, doubt flashing behind her eyes, “Unless.. you don't-”_

“ _No! Of course, Emma. Best friends” he stated, covering her hand with his other and smiling. All whilst maintaining a solid balance on the tree branch, “I'm yours”_

“ _And you're mine” she beamed back at him, “Best friends!”_

_They remained like that for a moment, beaming at eachother, eyes locked as they made the promise, one they knew they would never regret, betray, or forget. They were in it together now, forever. And neither were ever happier._

“ _So... now that it's official. Can we get down? I want to go to the beach!”_

“ _Of course you do” Emma rolled her eyes as Killian drew his hands from his and began to steady himself for the climb down. Under the branch where Killian's hand had just rested though, Emma felt something, and suddenly she was beaming again and exclaimed, “Killian! Look!”_

“ _What? What is it?” Killian moved back to see what she was looking at._

“ _A gap! A hole, look!” she demonstrated by putting her hand through the hole as Killian watched it disappear._

“ _Okay... and?” he replied doubtfully, not seeing the significance of this hole._

“ _You're so dumb, Killian. Don't you know what this means?” she rambled excitedly._

“ _That some bird will have a really cosy home this winter?”_

“ _Noooo! Stupid, it means that we can send messages, leave notes for eachother here now! This can be our place!”_

“ _Our place huh?” Killian considered it, liking the idea but, “How will we know when one of us has left a new message here?”_

“ _Hm....” Emma seemed to stop and think about it for a minute before exclaiming, “I know! Look, when one of us has left a new message, we'll take something like this” she pulled a ribbon from her hair and dangled it before him, before lifting it to a small branch above them, “...and tie it around that branch, so when the other sees it, they'll know there's a new message! How's that?”_

“ _Perfect” he smiled, reaching for the ribbon and brushing it with his fingertips, “So this ribbon means you have a new message for me, what is it?” he smirked._

_Emma reached up and tugged the ribbon free from the branch, then reaching once again for his wrist._

“ _Well it's not new” she said, tying the ribbon around his wrist, “But this says that you're my best friend!”_

_Emma smiled, and at that she swiftly climbed down the tree and ran off, leaving Killian smiling down at his wrist and the ribbon that was now tied around it. Then, he suddenly snapped from his daze._

“ _Hey! I look like a girl now!” he shouted, climbing down from the tree with a jump and running after her, following the sound of her laughter through the trees_

 

* * *

Emma woke up in a confused haze, staring off into the distance and seeing a figure moving towards her. And for a moment she thought that her mind was betraying her, that she was still dreaming, because she knew that figure any where and there was no way that this would be happening in anything other than a dream. But as she rubbed her eyes and cleared her mind, she knew. This wasn't a dream. And that figure was real, moving faster, coming closer and closer. He had come for her.

Killian.

 


	14. Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're finally getting towards the resolution of the mid season finale thing and we just want to say thank you to everybody who's commented and supported us up til this point, you're comments mean a lot to us and we're glad you're enjoying the story. We have the next chapter lined up but after the next one posting may slow down a bit, we're going back to school on Thursday and well, A-Levels so it may be more difficult to find time to write. But don't worry! We have the whole plot up until the end worked out so we're not going anywhere. (Apart from back to school... *sigh*)  
> Dysphorite

* * *

 

 

She's on her feet before she can even process what's happened, she doesn't even bother to pick up her notebook from where it fell from her lap as she jumped upwards and her backpack is abandoned as she pelts in the opposite direction from where she just saw the familiar figure running towards her. Her eyes dart around her as she runs through the darkened streets illuminated by the flickering orange glow of the street-lights, looking for an exit, a way out, a place to hide. He was already too close to her when she actually processed that it was him and up and ran, he was close enough that she could hear his footsteps echoing behind her in the quiet, deserted street. There had to be something, somewhere to go. But as her eyes searched and searched, she didn't see anything more than old shops and houses lining the pavement, so she kept on running. But she was tired, so tired of running. She breathed in pants of a tightened chest and restrained heart and she knew she couldn't keep it up much longer. And that's when she saw it.

_Perfect._

Just ahead, in the distance, on the right side of the street, was an old, obviously abandoned, dilapidated house with weak, metal gates sectioning it off from the public with signs that spoke of danger and safety. But what Emma saw was different. She didn't see signs that kept people out, she saw a place that could keep her in, keep her hidden, keep her safe from Killian. She saw a way out, and gates and signs could never keep her out. Not when she was desperate. Before Killian could catch up, she ran across the street, reaching the gates in no time and -with an effortlessness she didn't know she had- vaulted the gates keeping others away. All that was running through her mind, beating like a mantra through her head was,

_hide, hide, hide, hide._

So Emma didn't hear the creaks and groans of protest that shook under her footstep as she stepped into the crumbling structure. The door opens flimsily with a creak and Emma slams it shut behind her, sending a shiver through the house and dust falling in sprinkles of smoke from the ceiling as she stops, frozen in the entry way. The breathing is heavy and laden with fatigue as she arches her neck to behold the structure around her. It was vast, obviously grand and austere in its prime but now the flowering wallpaper was yellow with the Sun and peeling off of the walls. The wooden flooring was thick with dust and some parts were missing to match the crumbling framework around the place and holes in the ceiling. At the other end of the entry-way was a door that stood ajar, broken from it's hinges. She ran for, ignoring the creaks and sways and groans of the house, just gaining the room as she hears footsteps from outside the door and a sudden, distraught call from the front door.

“Swan! Swan!”

It was Killian, and he sounded... he sounded, anxious, worried, alarmed, concerned all at the same time.

 

She didn't have time to be distracted by the distressed ringing of his voice through the crumbling building, she needed to go, hide, do something. Her gaze flicked across the room, beholding a hallway with a wide, once-magnificent staircase that lead off into other corners of the house, now missing bannisters and falling to pieces. She saw other doorways leading to other rooms too but Emma knew that those could be dead ends, boxing her in. No, she was going on. Quickly, she hauled the fallen door and slammed it into the frame to work as a temporary deterrent, to slow him down as she ran up the stairs. On her fifth step the wood beneath her crumbled and she fell down, trapped by the staircase and tearing a rip into her skin, but she was running on pure adrenaline now, Emma felt nothing. These walls, they could keep others out, keep her emotions out. So Emma dragged herself from the wood and continued running, though slightly faltered now, up the stairs. She knew Killian must have heard her cry out as she fell for she heard the frantic banging of the door behind her which said that it had only spurred him on. She gained the stairs and veered to the left, using the beam that ran from the top of the stairs to the ceiling as support as her injury caught up with her. She stopped for a split second, catching her breath which was now ragged, breathing in years of piled up dust and molecules left to rot for years.

“Swan! _Please!”_ his shout rung through the halls again, loud and she knew he had gained the hallway.

With a strangled moan, half sob, she pushed once more, pushing herself from the beam and into a run over the creaking wood. But something was different, something was wrong. As she made it just to the front of a doorway to the left of the stairs, there was a cacophonous creak and audible-

_SNAP!_

Emma turned her head, stricken, to see the beam she had just moment before been holding onto break from the ceiling in a shower of splinters and it was falling, falling, falling down to her. She barely had time to think, to act before it was upon her. She collapsed into the room before her, the door slamming shut behind her as she heard a heavy thud and groan and creak and snap. The beam had fallen, slammed to the doorway as it shook with the force of its weight. Emma had gotten what she wanted. Emma was shut in. Blocked. Seemingly caged.

In a pile of the floor, breathing rugged and strained, Emma winced as she heard, from the hallway which she had just vacated, yet another SNAP and a BANG, of what she could only presume was the other beam, previously standing opposite to the one which had just fallen, breaking to pieces and falling to the ground to meet its fellow. Emma could tell it had collapsed on top of its friend. She visibly saw the door quake and wood groan as it fell. But, this was a good thing, Emma told herself, now Killian couldn't find her, couldn't stop her. He couldn't stay here forever. No, he would leave her, just like everyone else has, and she would be free, alone and free to go. Run away and keep running for as long as she wanted, for as long as she needed. She could keep running forever, after he leaves her behind. And he should, by God, he should. Emma didn't want him running around in this broken house. Silence hung thick in the air, floating with the dust, and in those moments she truly believed he had left, sending her emotion rocketing off the charts but afew minutes later she heard footsteps heading towards the room. She hauls herself up from the floor and looks towards the door hoping the beams will stop Killian from getting in. She thought he would have left by now.

“Emma!” he called through the blocked doorway, “Emma! Please, tell me you're okay”

“Go away Killian!” she yelled back, “I'm fine just- just leave me alone”

“I’m not leaving you in this crumbling house Emma! It could collapse at any minute!” his voice was strained and he sounded desperate. She could hear noises through the door which continued for a minute or so, Emma took that moment to look about herself. She appeared to be in a crumbling, old nursery, fit with even a rotting crib in the corner, hanging mobile and all with moon and stars swaying in an unseen breeze. What was causing it? She turned back to the door, dread filling her.

“Killian? Killian, what are you doing?” she called, hearing another thump, she tensed. She didn’t want Killian to get hurt because of her.

“I’m going to get you out Emma”

Leave me alone Killian! Just go before you get hurt!”

“I’m _not_ leaving you…” she heard a groan and the door trembled as something fell on the other side, cutting Killian off.

“Killian? Killian?! _Are you okay?!”_ she called, rushing to the door and slamming her fists against it, “Answer me Killian!Are you okay?!”

She heard a guttural moan coming from behind the door. Her breathing stopped for second as she considered the worst. Images flashed from behind her head of him lying motionless with a beam spearing through him, of him knocked out cold, of blood pouring from him. What if Killian got hurt because of her? She hadn’t meant for him to follow her this far. He was meant to just let her go. He had Lily now why did he need her anymore. Why was he doing all of this? What did she do to deserve this, him risking herself for her? His was meant to move on, leave her. This isn’t like last time when she was totally hysterical and didn’t know what she was doing.

“Emma” she heard, so quite she almost missed it, “Emma”

“Killian! Killian! Talk to me! Tell me you're okay! she yelled, pushing against the door.

“Emma, calm down” she pushed her ear against the door to hear Killian’s strained voice, “I’m okay. I’m just… there’s a beam… it’s...” there was a grunt, “...on my leg”

“Killian just… just wait there!” she spun around the room, searching desperately for another way out. Seeing the window she rushes towards it and looks out. Below the window was a drainpipe with vines wrapped around it. She could climb down that. She ran back to the door.

“Killian?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going out the window then I’ll come round and find you”

“No Emma! Don’t be stupid! Emma!?” he called as she moved towards the window and started climbing down.

***  
  
“Emma! Emma?” Killian called out but for no reply, not a sound other than the creaking and groaning of the house. She must be climbing out the window. God, he should have caught up with her quicker before she got here and got herself into this mess. He shifted his leg and winced. The beam had fallen onto his ankle but there was no blood and it didn’t feel broken. He just needed to get Emma out of here as soon as possible before _she_ got hurt. If that happened... he'd never, never forgive himself. And her parents... he couldn't even imagine what they'd do.

“Killian?” he heard her call from downstairs. He listened as her footsteps pounded up the stairs towards him. She rounded the corner and rushed towards him.

“Emma? Jesus, Emma! Be careful!” he shouted down, observing her slightly lopsided running, “Emma? You're leg!” as she drew closer he saw the rip, the cut, “What have you done!?”  
  
“Never mind that! What about you, you're trapped!” she cried out, rushing to the beam and beginning to hover over it, thinking of what to do. She was close enough for him to see her face now, they hadn't been so close in weeks, months even. What had gone on in that time he didn't know. But his Swan, his strong, fierce Swan, her eyes were rimmed a vivid red, stark against her deathly pale skin with cheeks stained from tears he hadn't seen fall, there were heavy bags under her eyes and she was thin, unhealthily so. Her clothes, which had previously been well fitting, hung slightly on her.

  
“No... I'm exactly where I want to be” he muttered, distracted at the sight of her.

  
“No, you're not. You're in the worst place imaginable. _Why_. Why did you follow me here Killian? What possible reason have you to chase me? How did you even find out I was gone and where I was?!” she was trying to lift the beam from his leg but each time she pulled her hand kept slipping.

  
“I've told you before, I will always find you”

 

“You always were the sap” she said sarcastically.

  
“And you always get sarcastic when you're avoiding something. I know you, Swan”

  
“Don't you dare! Don't you dare do that! You can't abandon me, ignore me for weeks then waltz back into my life pretending you know me. You don't have that right any more, you gave up that right when you believed Lily over me! Don't pretend you know me now Killian, you don't know anything!”

  
“I know that you run when life gets hard. I know that, despite what you're saying, you still trust me, care for me. I know that, after all this time, you go back to our tree and leave notes there of things you can't bear to say face to face. I found them Emma. And some part of you always knew, even hoped that I would”

  
“You're wrong. I hope for nothing. The only reason I'm here is because you chased me and once you're free of that beam I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me Killian”

  
“If that's true then why not leave now? It would be logical, then I would have no way of stopping you”

  
“I- I wouldn't” she faltered, caught off guard by how quickly Killian was cutting through to the very heart of the issues.

  
“Ah, see. You can't leave me here. You said it yourself, you wouldn't. Now, sit down Swan, we may be here a while”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little note to say thanks to everyone who is reading our fic and commenting we love getting feedback from you guys! Also thanks to Dysphorite for helping me out when I get stuck on a scene! We are both stressed about school and we go back soon so we apologise if our posting gets a bit irregular :/ Thank you for reading we really hope you enjoy it and we don't upset anyone too much! :D  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	15. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're officially back at school now (sigh) so posting is gonna slow up a bit (probably a lot) because of the sheer stress and work load of A-levels. Sorry about that but, hey, we will get this done :) we promise! Hope you enjoy the chapter!  
> Dysphorite

Reluctantly, Emma dropped down facing him with the fallen beams between putting distance between them. Leaning her back tentatively against the banister, Emma cast anxious glances to his ankle trapped under the beam.

“Emma I’m fine” he said, reaching up to her and turning her to face him.

“You're not _fine_ Killian, you're hurt. And that's my fault. See? This is exactly why I was leaving, until you got in the way”

“And I'm glad I did. What exactly do you think you're doing Swan? Running away, then what? Are you really naïve enough to think it would work out there for you?”

“I am not naïve! I know better than you think!”

“Oh yeah, so was running in here an example of your superior knowledge?”

“You gave me no choice!”

“ _You_ gave _me_ no choice Swan! Did you really think no one would come looking for you? I had to find out from Neal where you were gone, you're parents are worried. Neal may be stupid enough to let you go but not me, _never_ me Emma.” Killian's voice cracked from raw emotion, “I can't even begin to imagine life without you”

“But you don't need to imagine it Killian. It's what we're been living for more than a month and you're been doing just fine without me. Don't you see Killian? I'm unnecessary, replaceable. You have Lily now and your life's been fine without me in it, my friends, they don't need or want me anymore. Even my parents” it was Emma's voice catching this time, “They're having another baby, one of their own”

“And that's why you ran? Because you felt like you weren't enough?”

She sighed as if preparing herself for what she had to say.

“I just… I wasn’t needed anymore Killian. Surely you can see that now. My friends hate me, you have Lily and my parents are having a baby. There’s just… no reason for me to stay” she was crying by now, tears running from her already red eyes. He reached up and wiped them away as they fell, determined to comfort her.

“Emma. There will never be a day when I won’t need you. These past few weeks have been torture without you. I've not been _fine_ without you, I've been miserable. When I thought that you had gone without so much of a goodbye it killed me, it felt like someone had stolen the very air I breathe, though that might have been from the fall from the tree. Don't worry about it, I'm fine” he responded to her sudden startled look, “You’re my best friend Emma, I need you now and forever. And yeah, maybe I do have Lily but she can’t fill the hole you left Swan. The part of my soul that belongs to you that, when you're gone, is filled with emptiness and darkness. Emma don’t do this again, please. Come back. I promise I won’t leave you again, ever.”

“Killian, how can I? When I would be better off just going, leaving you all so you can enjoy your lives without me? I want to leave Killian. This isn’t like last time. I have a plan. I’m calm, I can do this okay? Last time I was completely unprepared, hysterical from the breakup. You would be better off without me Killian” she turns away, wiping away her tears and sniffing loudly.

“Emma I will not let you go again. I don’t care what you say this is a bad idea. Please Swan let’s just go back and sort this out”

“Killian... I-I _can't”_ she choked on a sob and ran, not down the stairs but hastily into another room, opposite the one where she had ran earlier. As she passed the threshold, she turned and pressed the door closed. The second the door shut her weight collapsed forward onto the hand still pressed against the door as sobs racked her body. Tear fell from her face as her forehead came to rest against the door and she was falling, falling down against the door.

Killian cried her name from the other room. It felt like part of his soul was being torn from him, like multiple knives stabbing his heart as he heard her uncontrolled sobs from the hallway. He felt so useless, nothing was getting through to her. Everything he said, everything he did was for her and it meant nothing. Not when she was still running from him, sobbing, crying her heart out in the next room. Her words shocked him, cut at his soul when he learnt everything she'd been through in the weeks that he wasn't there. Everything she had to cope with alone, without him there to comfort her. How could he not have known something was wrong? Sure, he had sensed some animosity between her and her friends but nothing as serious as hatred. This was the first he's heard of her parents new arrival on the way too and to be honest, what did they expect Emma to think? Any adopted child would feel the same way if they learnt the parents that adopted them now wanted a child of their own. And he knew something like that had happened in Emma's past, she's hinted as much. Her reaction was by no means surprising but running away? This was Emma Swan, she was strong, tough. She wouldn't run away purely for that reason. By the sounds of things, it had been the culmination of all of these events, but what had tipped the scale?

 

Killian shook himself. That didn't matter now. Right now he needed Emma to listen, to stay. And he would do whatever it takes.

“Emma! Emma! Please, just listen to me!” he cried desperately, knowing she could hear him when he heard the sobs quell somewhat, “You will never be unneeded, unnecessary. Never replaceable or alone. Never ever believe that Emma. You still have Belle, no matter what, she has always stuck by you. And just because your parents are having a baby, doesn’t mean they will love you any less. When I saw them, they were so worried Emma. You're their daughter and you mean the world to them. No baby will change that. In fact, I'm willing to bet anything that a driving reason behind their decision to have another baby is because soon you'll be gone, and they'll miss you so damn much that they need another child to make _them_ feel needed, wanted and loved in your absence. Everything isn't as bleak as it seems, there's nothing broken that can't be fixed. My life, it's nothing without you in it”

“Don't lie to me Killian, I know that's not true. You have Lily now”

“Lily, Lily doesn't mean even half as much to me as you do! I need you Swan! You need to believe that! Everything that happened. It doesn't mean you're unneeded! And I speak on behalf of everyone when I say that, myself, Belle, your parents, even Neal! When I thought you were gone, that letter you wrote. It _ruined_ me, when I thought that you were gone. It hurt that you didn't trust me with this. Why didn't you just come to me Emma? Why?”

“ _I DID!_ I _did_ come to you!” Emma screamed through the tears, all of her pent up, bottled emotions exploding through her voice, storming through her, “I ran, I ran all the way to you when it all finally became too much. I knew that despite everything I needed you then. More than anything, I needed you. And you know what I saw? You, singing, strumming your guitar happily, looking so in love at the café, our café, with Lily. So don't try to tell me you need me, that I mean more to you than Lily because that only makes it hurt more. Because I saw you, and you can't tell me it's not true”

It slammed into Killian's chest like a train, her words, her sobs. He can't believe it, that she saw it, that it hurt her. Worst of all, it was her he was thinking of at the time that she saw them there. The truth sunk through him like poison, draining all of the warmth, happiness from him and his heart plummeted. It was him. _He_ was the one that pushed her over the edge. This was _his_ fault. When she needed him most he had let her down, pitifully.

“Emma” his voice was quiet at first, so shocked, so overcome with emotion, “Emma please just listen to me now. You have to listen to me. I know what you think you saw but it's not true. When I was playing that damned guitar to Lily I wasn't thinking of her, I was thinking of you. Remembering how it used to be you there with me and how I wanted nothing more than for that to be again. Whatever voice inside your head that's telling you to run, don't listen to it. If you run you'll only be hurt more and the people you love will hurt too. But you never should have felt the need to run in the first place. As you're best friend it was my job to prevent that. To protect your heart. But I failed. I know lately I've been drawing away from you because I thought you deserved better, that I needed to be a better man for you. I kept my distance, however hard it was for me, trying to give you that chance for something better, I thought your life would be better without me in it. And now because of it, I might lose you. I'm sorry, what I did was unforgivable, inexcusable. And I feel like such a hypocrite telling you that you shouldn't feel like my life, your friends and family's lives will be better without you in it, because that's exactly what I felt, what I had in mind when I kept my distance. But I hope you never forgive me because that means that you'll open that door, and come back with me to fix this. To save my life from what it would be without you. To save your family the grief of mourning a daughter, from losing you. But more importantly, to save yourself from a life of running, of cold empty rooms that aren't homes, of unfamiliar streets and unfamiliar faces. A life without love, a life of loneliness, it's not worth living. You don't deserve that. _Please_ Emma, don't do this”

 

The minutes following felt like years. Killian's heart felt like it was being ripped from his chest because he thought his words had fallen on empty ears. She was running again, probably climbing from a window and gone forever while he was stuck here, trapped beneath a beam until he could figure out a way to relieve himself. No way of going after her, stopping her, even it it mean dragging her back to her parents house. But finally, after minutes of pure agony tearing through his body, the click of a doorknob being turned resonated through the hall and a shy Emma, tear-steaked face and shaking hands, emerged from the room. Relief washed over Killian and a wide smile overtook his face at the sight of her.

“Swan” he breathed.

“Killian” she choked, breaking free of whatever had hold of her, keeping her there and pelting over to him, falling on top of him in a tangle of bodies with her arms holding him tightly through her unrelenting sobs. Killian held onto her as if she would disappear if he let go, like her was her lifeline. And in many ways she was, she was his saviour. And he was never going to let her go again.

 


	16. Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this one guys! It's longer that usual -perhaps too long but I ramble- but I like to think you guys deserve it! And posting could get a little hit and miss from now on, because of school and such. I want to say a BIG THANK YOU to Shut_up_im_reading for helping me through my block and doing a lot of the writing for this chapter because of my sudden inability to write and think and anything because I've also been a little ill. But hopefully I'll be back to by usual self soon and writing my evil, angsty stuff once more! Thanks for reading!  
> Dysphorite

* * *

 

 

Unfortunately, Emma's little run away couldn't be forgotten so easily. Killian had always told her that she never thought of consequences, but then again, she honestly didn't think she was going to be coming back, she'd told him as much. They had sat together like that for what felt like hours, just talking, almost like they used to. With the two of them, they managed to free Killian from the weight of beam and he had coaxed Emma out of the rickety old house, on the way Emma only now seeing the true danger of her escapade. The streets were dark outside and the moon hung high in the sky, neither of them had their phones on them so they didn't know what exactly the time was -they guessed late, late enough that Emma's absence would definitely been noticed and marked worrying. Despite Emma's not so discreet employment of Neal for a cover up, her parents had already guessed something was wrong and Killian was not going to hide anything from them- until they had reached the bus station, where Emma's bag still sat. Killian refused to let Emma carry it, shouldering it determinedly as Emma bent down to pick up her notebook from where it lay abandoned on the floor. Her fingers caressed the coarse fabric of the cover as she felt the familiar urge to bolt once more, felt the tug, the pull to run far down the street and away. When she felt a hand close over the wrist and squeeze reassuringly and she looked up, wariness present in her wide eyes to meet the anxious face of Killian, looking down at her with a concerned and sorrowful expression. She turned away and started walking home.

“Emma you dropped something”

She turned around and saw him looking at her, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He looked down at the paper, his eyes scanning the words on the page before looking back up at her.

“Emma…”

She walked back and quickly snatched the paper from his fingers, cutting him off, “It’s nothing. Let’s get going”

She tucked it into the notebook, hugging it to her chest as they headed onwards in the direction of her home.

 

* * *

 

_...Just waiting for you to see._

_That all I’ve ever needed is_

_for you to be with me_

 

That was all he had managed to read before Emma had ripped the page from his sight. The lyrics were beautiful and he knew that a few months back she would have come straight to him and shyly handed them to him with a faint blush on her cheeks, her smile as he would take them and –without saying a word- spin them into whole song, complete with her lyrics singing out into the café over the soft strums of his guitar. He was glad to know she was still writing lyrics and annoyed that he wasn’t there to help her out with them. But something was different about the beautiful words scrawled in her flowing script over the page, something written between the lines that spoke of a longing and sorrow unique to Emma that he had never seen before. Emma’s lyrics had always been cryptic, always had secret meanings hidden throughout the words so carefully chosen, unconsciously, by her whirring brain, flowing through her from her mind to the page and then into Killian’s songs. And up until now, he had always been able to read them, decipher them. It was easy, a second nature to him so seeing these lyrics now threw him off.

_What had changed?_

It was like her words had taken a dramatic shift, running from him and he was left behind, a lonely figure in the shadow of her words

 

* * *

 

Emma stood, staring out at the sea before her, thinking over the past few days. Her parents had been… well they weren’t annoyed but they had an hour long talk with her about what had been going on and finally decided they needed to get away for a while. So now she was spending her half term on holiday by the sea, away from school and Killian and her friends and everything that had lead up to her running away. Killian had stayed with her when they arrived at her house and helped explain to her parents what had happened. Of course she didn’t tell them about the real trigger behind all of her torment -her feelings for Killian- until he had gone, and even then she only told her mother. She was sure her father would be pretty pissed at him if he ever knew and -after the extent he had gone to for her- she wanted to protect Killian. So she told her mother everything that happened, starting from the party up until the point that she had seen him with Lily at the café. Her mother had listened with an open heart and a grieved expression, a few tears slipping from her eyes and tracing a path down her cheek as Emma told her what she'd been going through without their knowledge and had finally decided that what Emma needed was a holiday, an escape. She stared at the sea, letting the tears slip down her cheeks. She missed Killian already and she had only just arrived. She had asked her parents if she could go out while they unpacked but she knew they would head out after her soon. They had been keeping a very close eye on her since she had arrived home with Killian but they knew she needed some space. She turned and wandered along the shoreline, until she reached one end. She shook off her jacket and placed it on the sand by her feet then, sat down on her jacket with her knees tucked in front of her, stared out to sea again. She didn’t register her movements for a moment until she looked down and saw lines in the sand. The word sketched out in lines beside her feet.

_Killian._

She sighed and looked away from her doodles in the sand, not finding in herself to destroy it just yet. She sat there for a long time, thinking, until she heard her parents calling for her at the other end of the beach. She stood and walked towards them, turning back to look at the sand behind her just as the words were washed away by the sea.

 

* * *

 

Killian stood, staring out to sea. He was down by the docks, where he used to take Emma. He wondered where she was, how she was doing. He had stayed with her to help her explain to her parents but he knew she wasn’t telling the whole story. And he was okay with that, he had to be. She would tell him when she was ready. So all he could do was wait. He sighed, looking down at the words written in the sand at his feet.

_Emma._

He looked up again, eyes scanning the windy coastline and spotting a familiar figure walking towards him across the sand. Lily. With a sigh, he turned and walked towards her not wanting her to see what was written in the sand behind him. He met her halfway and she smiled at him as she moved in for a hug. He stepped back.

“Killian?” she said, looking concerned, “What’s wrong?”

“I need to talk to you… about Emma” he said, looking Lily straight in the eye but not seeing the dangerous glint that flashed through them at the mention of Emma's name, “She’s going through a tough time and I need to be there for her because I really haven’t been recently and I’ve known her for… well forever. I know you haven’t really got on well but I need you to accept that she’s going to be around a lot… it should have been like that from the beginning but I neglected her”

He stopped. He had looked away from Lily while he was talking and now he looked back at her. She stared straight back, looking at him as though she didn’t know him.

“You make it sound like she’s your girlfriend not me” she said quietly, looking at him through teary eyes.

“No! Lily that’s not it! She’s just my friend! My best friend and what kind of friend would I be if I completely abandoned her now?” he reached for her and she didn’t move, "That would be bad form Lily, and if there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's that. Surely you can see that?"

“Okay... I’ll believe you. I can deal with her being around. Just don’t forget about me hey?” she smiled and slid her arms around his waist, tugging him closer to her.

“I couldn’t” he replied. It was true. He couldn’t forget Lily, she was all that kept him from seeing Emma, all that stood between them. In his mind he couldn't see Emma's image without Lily before it, blocking her from view. How could he possibly forget Lily? But he had to stick with it a bit longer. She clearly really wanted this and he didn’t want to hurt her, couldn't hurt her.

Lily pulled him closer and then put her arms around his neck, leaning forward to gently place her lips against his. He leaned into the kiss, trying to feel something, anything but nothing. He felt nothing when he kissed her. Except maybe acceptance. This is what was happening, he had to deal with it. His thoughts started to wander and he found them going to Emma. He would feel something if it was Emma. He would feel everything with Emma. He would feel her leaning against him, the texture of her hair, the way she touched him. He abruptly pulled away from Lily, shaking. He couldn’t kiss her and think of Emma. What kind of man did that?

“Killian?” she looked at him, biting her lip, “You okay?”

“Umm… yeah. I’m fine Lily. I just… I have to go” he turned and walked away, leaving her standing alone on the windy beach.

 

* * *

 

Emma had been on holiday for a few days when she met August. They had an instant connection and had quickly become friends, the same kind of connection that she’d felt when she first met Killian all those years ago. Instantaneous and deep, like she could tell him anything. She told him about Killian and he had told her about his life. She realised how much she had missed having someone to talk to, to trust. Hadn’t realised how much this had been weighing down on her, and once she told August it had felt like the weight of the world suddenly lifted from her shoulders and the air felt new in her lungs. It was a couple days later, in the evening on the beach when he asked her suddenly:

“So when are you gonna tell him?”

They were sat on the beach together facing the glittering sea, watching the burning Sun slowly dip into the blue waves over the horizon.

“I can’t tell him, idiot” she sighed and nudged August, “He’s dating someone! Lily!”

“Yeah? What of it?”

“ _What of it?!_ What do you mean _‘what of it’_? He’s in a relationship! I can’t go confessing my love when he’s in love with someone else! God” she groaned, resting her head on her hands, “When did my life become a soap opera?”

“From what I’ve heard Emma, it isn’t this Lily he’s in love with”

“August… what are you saying?”

“Isn’t it obvious Emma? He’s in love with _you_ ”

“What!? No, no that is not true”

“Come on Emma”

“No, it’s not true. It isn’t. How could it be true? If, if he was in love with me why would he ever go out with Lily?”

“To distract him? I don’t know, I don’t even know the guy Emma”

“Exactly, you don’t know him, I do”

“Emma, I think that’s what you think, but it’s not what you truly believe”

 

* * *

 

Mary Margaret stood on the back porch of the old beach house, leaning her side on a beam that supported the roof as she watched the girl with the golden blonde hair gleaming in the sunlight slowly amble across the beach. Her daughter. The events of the last couple weeks had evoked old memories and forgotten emotions in her. She had always counted herself blessed to have a daughter like Emma. Couldn't imagine a life without her. She had loved her unconditionally from her moment her eyes had met hers that day at the orphanage. The small, green eyes wide with grief as she looked up to her. From that day onwards, Emma was her daughter. In a way that meant more than just the signature on a piece of paper or a name at the bottom of a card. What they had was more than that. What they had... it was real, true. It was meant to be, true love. Fate had brought them together, herself and David truly believed that from the very start. They loved Emma more than they could possibly fathom, she was their world, their Sun that they revolved around bringing light back into their life. In the years before they had found Emma, it was like a shadow had been followed them. Darkness had echoed in the wake of their footsteps. But from the moment they had found Emma, the Sun had shone and cast that looming shadow of darkness away with a rush of love and hope that brought life and mirth back to their life. They had always said it, from the beginning they had told her that. Mary Margaret wondered how, along the way, Emma had forgotten that, the way that she and David loved her. They were a family, nothing would ever change that, not a new child, not anything. How could her beautiful daughter ever think even for a moment that she meant nothing to them? Though she couldn't blame her really, what was an adopted child to think when her parents announced that they were expecting a child of their own? But despite it all, they had found each other again. The way they would always find each other. Mary Margaret shuddered to think what would have happened if Emma had succeeded in running away, at the dark thoughts that had invaded Emma's mind behind her back. She was her mother, it was her job to protect her from that. She would cross the world, battle the fiercest foes, stand between the darkness and her girl. Nothing would hurt her daughter, nothing would get to her if she had anything to say about it. But Emma was all grown up now, she no longer ran into their room so they could shield her from the nightmares, she would no longer come to them to sooth her tears. As much as she hated it, her daughter didn't need her as much as before. She had to do all that, face all that alone. The thought alone brought tears to her eyes. No, Emma would never be alone. She would never let that happen and Emma had to know that. Herself and David, they had been so lucky to find Emma. She wondered if their girl would ever know that they needed her just as much as she needed them. One day they would tell her. Tell her the full story, the entire story behind their adoption of Emma. But now, it all played back in Mary Margaret's mind like pages in a storybook flipping backwards to the beginning of their tale. _Once upon a time..._

David and Mary Margaret weren't from here. They had come from a small, mostly unknown country, inconsequential to most. And in the years before Emma, 19 years ago. A country ravaged by war. They were young, newly married when the war came to their doorstep. Fleeing from the guns and bloodshed when Mary Margaret realised she was pregnant. And it was all they had ever wanted, a family, a baby, a life. But what kind of world would they be bringing their precious child into. It wasn't safe. The world of gun fire, blood and grief was no world for their child, their baby. The sound of gunfire followed in their footsteps, getting closer and closer everyday. The screams and cries of grieved mothers and orphaned children echoed through the hills. Nothing scared them more than the thought of her child's cry joining the mourning chorus. An orphan. In their world, people died each day. Their family... no one knew where they were, even if they were still alive. From a distance bodies crumbled upon the hilltops in a sacrifice of the desperate. And all they could do was run. And keep running. For them, there was no escape, no way that they could find the resources to flee from the country. They hadn't much left, they had left behind all but the essentials when they ran from their home and had little money to spare. And escaping the country was no easy thing to do. Soldiers flocked the borders armed with missiles and guns to cut down the fleeing refugees. There was no solace, no saviour for them. It was nine months spent running, hiding from soldiers and muffling sobs. They were hidden in a lonely old, crumbling house when the contractions began. And she was beautiful, their Emma. The most beautiful little girl they had ever seen, soft and light snuggled in their arms. Cries rang out into the night disguised by the desperate cries of the innocent. The screams of baby Emma mingling with the pained sobs of a mother and father who had their child ripped away from them. Mary Margaret hugged her tightly. They did what they had to do, they kissed her forehead goodbye and sent her off into the night, leaving them alone and childless with their grief and pain in a war torn country. They couldn't get away, but their Emma could. They had travelled far and wide before they found him. His name was Marco and with him was their child's escape. He was planning to flee the country and, with all the money they could manage, would smuggle little baby Emma across the sea in his small, wooden boat and away from the war, from them, to safety. It was all they could do for her, their child, until they could look for her, get away themselves. They would never forget her, the wide green eyes, the little nose, their daughter. No scream compared to the anguished cried of a childless mother. They loved her more than the world itself, and that was why they had to let her go. To give her, her best chance.

A couple years on they were told their little girl had been taken into a loving family when she was just a baby. They had finally escaped the country, and from the moment they were able they had started the search for their daughter. They had found the orphanage Marco had told them in his letter that he had taken little Emma to, but when they arrived, they were told that their little girl had already been taken in. And they couldn't, just couldn't take away the happiness their little girl had found. She had found her home, they couldn't destroy that. She had parents now, it just wasn't them. And as much as that hurt, it was her best chance. So they had turned away, deciding instead to adopt another girl. It had taken years to find her. Emma Swan. And they couldn't believe it. She had been in the orphanage for a year or so, after a foster family had given her up when they found out they were having a child of their own. David and Mary Margaret couldn't believe a family would do that to their child, even if she wasn't their own flesh and blood. But it was almost perfect. Her name, they were told, was given to her when she was given up at birth, found at the doorstep of the orphanage, nameless. She wasn't quite theirs, but she was so much more. That didn't matter, she was theirs no matter what. Despite flesh and blood, they were a family from the first time they saw each other. Nothing else mattered. David and Mary Margaret knew from the second they had saw four year old Emma in the hall of the orphanage that day. It was a strange coincidence, yes. That her name be Emma, the same age that their own daughter would be now, and with the same wide, green eyes. And Mary Margaret couldn't ignore the lingering voice that told her that they had actually found her, that Emma was actually theirs. A dangerous thought, but it didn't matter. She was their life, their love, their child.

She was theirs no matter what. _Family._

Nothing else mattered at all.

 

 


	17. Turning points

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a bit late guys! Many things have been getting in the way, blocks and school and then we were both ill but we did -eventually- get it done. Thank you for baring with us and hope you enjoy the chapter ^_^  
> Dysphorite

When Lily arrived home from the beach she bolted straight to her room in the way she always did. She tried to avoid her ‘parents’ as much as possible. When she had been adopted, it was by a single mother, by the name of Regina. Her own mother gave her up at birth, didn’t even give her a name. It was about a year after Emma had left. And she loved it to begin with. She had an older brother, Regina's son Henry but soon enough, the novelty had worn off. And she had felt less a part of a family than an extra character in this play of house. After Lily had almost taken part in an armed robbery with her ex-boyfriend, they had moved to this new house for a fresh start, despite the fact that Lily had left the instant she realised he had a gun, point black refused to take part in it. But Regina had still found out and insisted that they moved, to teach her that “all actions have consequences” or something like that so here they were, in a new house in a new place, and Lily had to find a way to fit in again. Henry blamed her for their move, he hardly spoke to her any more. Regina still kept a close eye on her but it felt like it was more because she was worried about Henry than out of love for her. Especially with the new addition of Roland and Robin.

***

They met at a medieval faire, he had come as an expert on archery and she with her horses. Their businesses were opposite each other, the archery targets set up by the space allocated for her prize winning horses. She first caught his attention when the crowd had roared for her expert horsemanship, her hair flying its braid behind her, her face set determinedly on the on the highest jump, the tail of her borrowed riding habit flapping in the breeze in the breakneck speed of her riding. Because of course they had to dress up in full medieval style. When the crowd had thinned and she was leading her prize winning steed Rocinante, the lone sound of a single man's applause rang from across the field. She looked over and saw him. His name was Robin Locksley and he was an archery expert, had the arrows in a satchel on his back to prove it. It had begun with sarcastic comments and withering looks, soon dissolving into expressions sodden with new love. He had a son too, little Roland, and was a widower looking to find a new home for their family. When she had told him she was looking to move too, it seemed too perfect. Regina scoffed at the idea when he had first mentioned it but it didn't take her long to realise it was perfect. Start up a business together, a small town called Storybrooke. She had always wanted to own her own horse stables and teach lessons, he wanted to teach archery. So together they did it. Brought the land off to the edge of town. She had her stables, he had the archery targets, it was a triad school of fencing, horsemanship and archery. All they had to do, after arriving in Storybrooke and setting everything into action, was advertise for a fencing master, and a response came through soon enough. His name was James Nolan, local, with a strong background in fencing. In fact, he was a professional headed towards Olympic level if it wasn't for his injury that put him semi out of action. He could still fence far better than the average Joe, but not up to his previous level and showed an interest in teaching instead. The plan flourished within a year of its birth, her family had moved a couple months after meeting Robin, to Storybrooke. Her kids enrolled in the local school, Misthaven High and -on the whole- things seemed brighter. It was a good, friendly place, a fresh start. She just wanted the best for herself and her family. And the house she chose definitely didn't have anything to do with that Robin's new house was just around the corner, at least that's what she told herself.

*

Neal sat at his desk in his room, head in his hands. He was thinking about Emma, about the impact she had had on his life. When they first started dating it had been brilliant, he liked her, and she liked him. But soon the cracks started to show. His parents didn’t approve of Emma, preferring instead his childhood friend and neighbour, Tilly. And Tilly liked him too. It was like they had woven a web around him, pulling him back like a net from Emma. The problem soon escalated. Tilly started spreading rumours about them, mainly Emma. This did nothing to help with Emma’s self-confidence, they were still pretty new to the high school and she was having a bit of a hard time finding her place, finding friends and fitting in and the rest of her friends from primary school felt more inclined to branch out rather than remain with their old friends, meaning Emma. He had to do something to help her. And at the time the best thing seemed to be to break up with her, push her away from all the negativity. Then she ran. She ran and he couldn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t like if he followed her she would listen to him. Killian. She would listen to Killian. He just didn’t realise how serious she had been about leaving. About not coming back. He would have followed her if he thought it could do any good. Though from what Killian had told him, he was wrong, terribly wrong then and wrong now. If it wasn’t for Killian…

_I messed up. God I messed up._

He pushed away from the desk and stormed out of the room. He needed to get out of here.

*

Half an hour later he was working down Main Street, just as he always did, when he saw a familiar figure walking past the window. Killian. Killian and… Lily? When did that happen? Neal thought to himself as the, seemingly, couple came fully into view. He watched as Lily seemed to grasp at Killian’s hand, reaching for it in a gesture that would be, in any other case, natural to any couple. But Killian’s jaw seemed to clench and it looked as if it took visual effort not to flinch away from her touch, instead returning the gesture. He squeezed her hand reassuringly with a smile flashed down at her and suddenly Neal was wondering about their relationship. Lily seemed happy enough, and, after Killian had actually taken her hand, he seemed content enough as well. But it was obvious to anyone -that happened chance to see Killian’s initial reaction to, to all intents and purposes, his girlfriend- that something was wrong, something was amiss and somehow he didn’t think it had anything to do with Lily herself. Suddenly Neal was wondering just what it was Emma was running from that day. What had she seen that caused her so to break? What had she seen that had left her no other option to run? What really going on in Emma Swan’s head? And he was wondering whether the problem itself didn’t actually all come back to Killian himself…

*

Walking along the beach with August reminded her of him. Of when they used to do it, walking along, his arm around her shoulders hers on his back. They talked, about everything and nothing. Or they were silent. But a good silent, a comfortable silence, not awkward. She loved their silences. She could think, she could feel in their silences.

She remembers walking along the beach, in the evening, the stars were bright and the Moon cast its light down on them in beams shadowing each single line on his face. The winkles in his cheek when he smiled, the light stubble growing above his upper lip, his scar. The beach was washed with the silvery glow of Moonlight as they walked along together. His arm was draped over her shoulders and her arm was drawing circles on his lower back. She grins as she remembers it. His eyes, watching the sea as it moves. The light of the Moons and starts above illuminating their path and glittering like crystals upon the gentles waves. He loved watching the sea. She often snuck glances at him while he was staring unseeing across the coast, probably thinking up some song lyrics or thinking about a new tune he had thought up. He would suddenly turned to her and tug her closer, whispering lyrics in her ear or humming the tune into her hair. They never thought of each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. It was these walks on the beach they were the closest to that. But they didn’t need it. They were friends, nothing more. That’s all they ever were. They were happy with what they were. All they ever needed. All she thought she needed, wanted. Now, she knew better. She wanted more. She wanted Killian. But she couldn’t. She had to keep her distance, she had to think about Lily. And Killian didn’t like her that way anyway, the fact grew more and more strikingly obvious to her day by day, and each day, as it did, it felt like a knife twisting horribly into her heart and she suddenly she couldn’t live without him, but she couldn’t live with him at the same time. With or without, the feeling was the same. The horrible, heart wrenching pain of being without him around, missing him, wishing he was here with her was eating her alive. But each time she was with him it was like they were still miles apart, on separate sides of door that opened both ways and as hard as she pulled was the harder it became to let go, as if he was also desperately pulling the handle on the other side, shutting her out, denying her access to him, to him and her. And suddenly she didn’t have the energy to pull anymore, she felt herself begin to wane and lean against the door rather than pull. She felt like she was collapsing, sagging against the door pulled down by the weight of her tears, her pain and it became impossible to do anything else, to breathe, to think, to simply be. She should, she _needed_ to stop. She kicked the sand in front of her.

Stop worrying and start living her life.

August turned, looking at her curiously.

“What’s up?” his tone was light, laced slightly with concern.

“I think-” Emma froze in her tracks, looking down at her sandy and scuffed shoes, speaking in a low murmur as if August wasn’t there at all, “I think I need to push past this…”

“What do you mean?”

“All of this. Killian. Lily. My friends. Killian. All of it. I can’t deal with this- this heartbreak on a daily basis. It’s eating me alive August! It’s slowly draining me bit by bit of the will to even live each day that goes by without him, without seeing him, without talking to him” her voice rose and fell with the building of all of those emotion that she had bottled up for so, so long. They swarmed within her, bubbling finally to the surface causing her voice to crack and break and her heart to plummet to the ground only to rise and fall once more. The emotions that had so driven her that day as she ran from Killian at the café were rising, rising, building within her and she can’t go on like this. She-

“I _just can’t do this anymore_ ”

“Emma… do you realise what you’re saying?”

“It’s- it’s what’s best. For me, for him” she blinked tears back from her eyes as she looked out onto the sea that reminded her so much of him, “It can’t go on like this anymore”

August was silent, pensive, his face turned away from her looking unseeing into the distance.

“I need to focus on me… at least for now”

After moments of silence, August spoke.

“If that’s what you feel is best”

“It is”

“Just one thing Emma. Be careful. It’s one thing to focus on yourself, it’s another to completely ignore the signs that the actions of others are telling you just because it’s easier, or even safer”

His words fell empty on the silent wind, running across Emma’s conscious as she remembered that haunting pair of stormy, sea-blue eyes for, she thought then, the last time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far guys this chapter took us longer than expected, seems we aren't as good at calm and relaxed as we are at angst and feels :/ there will be a few chapters like this before we get back into the drama llama again so you can relax for now! Thanks again for sticking with it!  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	18. Focus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! We finally finished the chapter! Sorry we took so long A levels are really hard and we had been having trouble with this chapter for a while. I wont try and make any more excuses but hopefully we will get back into the flow of writing now and we can carry on and finish it! Apologies again we feel so bad for not posting recently but we really hope you enjoy this chapter. Its slightly longer than usual to make up for how late it is :D Enjoy!  
> Shut_up_im_reading

Lily sat on the floor, leaning back against the sofa. Killian sat behind her, texting on his phone. Probably Emma. She sighed and looked up at Killian.

“So… how did you and Emma become friends?”

She felt him tense behind her. He shifted, sliding onto the floor beside her, his arm going round her shoulder.

“Why are you asking?” he said, turning to face her.

“Well, I just think I should know about her, seeing as she’s going to be around more” she replied quietly.

Killian sighed and leant his head back on the sofa. He spoke slowly, explaining how he met Emma, going through school with her, how she had always been there for him. He got lost in the words, waving his arms to explain his stories, laughing, smiling and the jokes, the mishaps, the memories, the bliss of it all. Lily let him talk. She relaxed against him, leaning her head against his shoulder. He carried on talking for a while and they ended up on the topic of family.

“So, what do your parents do for a living?” Lily asked lightly, causing a sharp intake of breath from Killian. She turned to face him and saw he looked upset. The look quickly vanished and he smiled at her.

“Nothing interesting really. My dad works for an international company so he travels a lot and my mum works as a shop manager” he said, not looking her in the eye.

“That’s cool. My mom just set up an adventure experience type thing. _The Enchanted Forest._ Archery, horse riding, sword fighting all that stuff” she responded, looking away. They both had their secrets.

Her mother, her real mother, had abandoned her when she was just a baby. She had been adopted by Regina when she was only around 4 years old. Until recently she hadn’t know anything about her birth mother. It had been a closed adoption. But she had found herself thinking about her birth mum more and more. She had begun to think about how to contact her. She had asked Regina about it but she hadn’t been able to give her any information. Lily sighed and leaned heavily against Killian. She felt herself wondering if she could ever properly trust Killian or if he would ever trust her.

“Hey would you like to try archery or something? I could ask Regina to get you a taster session” she said, trying to lighten the mood.

“Hey that would be cool” he replied, grinning, “I’ve always wanted to try sword fighting”

“Awesome! I’ll talk to Regina about it see if we can get something organised” she returned his smile. Maybe this relationship could go somewhere after all.

 

* * *

 

Killian was walking home from Lily’s and thinking about their earlier conversation. He hadn’t exactly been truthful earlier, telling Lily about his parents, but he didn’t want her to know the truth. It made him uncomfortable to talk about. His dad didn’t work for an international company, he was in the navy. He had been in the navy for about 20 years, he had never done anything else really. He had always admired his dad for what he did, how he had to be brave every day. That was until his brother, Liam, had followed his dad’s footsteps and joined the navy. Liam had been Killian’s best friend, protector. He had been the one who looked out for him while their dad was away. When he left, Killian had to deal with things alone, Emma helped a lot with that. His brother had been in the navy for about 4 months when they got the news. Liam had been killed at sea, during a training exercise. His dad had come home with Liam’s body, stayed for the funeral and then left. He started going on longer missions, staying out for 6 months, or a year before he came back to see them. He used to come home for Killian’s birthday every year, now all Killian got was a card in the mail. Even worse, his mum blamed their dad for Liam’s death and started to doubt their marriage. She became unfaithful, bringing men home when she thought Killian was asleep. She thought he was clueless and he didn’t want to bring it up. Not even Emma knew this. She had been the rock he needed after Liam’s death. She had been there for him when he cried himself to sleep in the weeks after the news came through. She had been there when he couldn’t go to school because it was more stress he didn’t need or want to add to what he already had to deal with. He sighed as he walked towards his house, steeling himself for another evening with his mum pretending everything was fine. He didn’t get much attention at home anymore, his mum preferred to pretend he wasn’t there and he barely spoke to his dad, occasionally getting a phone call. Even then, he felt uncomfortable talking to his dad. And so Killian was left alone. Without Emma there, he was always alone.

 

* * *

 

Emma’s head flung back in a laugh, embracing the brisk breeze that blew back her long golden hair. From high up on the tall mare’s back, where Emma was straddled upon the saddle, all of her worries seemed to melt away. Reality seemed then to evaporate slightly, as if they couldn’t quite reach her. She tried to reign in her wandering mind back to the present, to the slightly stern voice of her riding instructor calling from across the field. She had taken to it quickly, horse riding, and she hadn’t been riding long. Her mother had first brought her here last week, since then she'd had three lessons with Miss Mills, who had told her to call her Regina. At first, she had come off like some sort of evil queen, all orders and stern instructions, but after a while she had begun to soften up to Emma. She seemed to be impressed with her quick riding skill and even had begun to become fond of her. Now, she called to Emma to straighten her posture and _focus. Focus_. That seemed to be Emma’s weakness, as Regina constantly shouted it to her all throughout her lessons. But, Emma never really seemed to really take it in. She didn’t come to her riding lessons to focus. She came to forget. To _let go._ And who cares if that meant she wouldn’t be the best rider? She wasn’t exactly planning to go professional. After a while, Regina had assigned her a horse of her own to ride. One that was, for all intents and purposes, hers, though it still belonged to the stables. A pure white mare. _Grey_ , Regina sternly reminded her over and over. Named Snow, for her beautiful _grey_ coat and long ebony mane. And that she was born, extremely late, in the midst of one of the harshest winters Maine had ever seen. And Emma loved her.

“Okay, Emma” Regina called up to her as Emma steered Snow to trot alongside to where Regina stood, slowly her into a walk and then to a stand. Emma brushed her hair from her ears where it was tangled beneath her helmet and met Regina’s stern gaze. “Good work today. Just, you need to remember to _focus,_ Emma” Emma dismounted, her feet landing with a heavy thud on the soft earth, so that she now stood a head shorted than her riding instructor, who moved to affectionately pat Snow’s neck. “Take her back to the stables, untack her and- what am I saying? You know what to do”

Regina bid her goodbye with a brief nod and turned away, her long braid almost flicking Emma in the face as it flew with the momentum of the swift turn. Emma rubbed Snow’s neck.

“Okay, you beautiful creature. Let’s get you back to the stables” she cooed, gently tugging on the long, leather reign to chide her into a slow walk in the direction of the stables.

 

* * *

 

Killian had never done fencing before but he was enjoying it. Twenty minutes in and he had learnt most of the basics and was starting to really get into it. The small group had just begun duelling each other and he was actually doing well. He parried a blow from his opponent and lunged forward, landing a hit. His opponent backed off, pulling off his mask and moving to shake his hand.

“Good job, man” he said, grinning, “You’re a natural”

“Thanks” he replied, pulling off his returning the smile, “You’re not too bad yourself”

“How long have you been at it? I haven’t seen you around here before” the boy asked, still breathing heavily from the bout. Killian himself had strands of dark hair sticking to his forehead, when he pulled of his bulky mask, which he pushed from his forehead.

“This is my first time” he replied, running his hands through the slightly damp strands. The boy raised his eyebrows, “at fencing, I mean” he quickly added, flushing red. The boy laughed.

“That surprises me. You fence like you’ve done it before, at least once?”

Killian shook his head.

“Perhaps it’s muscle memory. Were you a knight in your last life? A pirate?”

“Erm… I think not, mate” Killian didn’t quite know how to take that.

“Oh, so you’re a non-believer?” he laughed again, amused by Killian’s reaction.

“I guess so” Killian replied, still thrown off by the abrupt change of topics to something so… strange, he guesses.

“So, will I be seeing you around here again…?”

“Killian” he filled in, “and yeah, I think so. I quite fancy this fencing and I do have some money I get from my job, so I can pay for it”

“Well, I’m glad. I’ll see you next week then” the boy began to turn away and Killian was left standing alone, still slightly perplexed by the exchange. But then the boy stopped, seeming to remember something, and turned back, calling, “I’m Henry, by the way”

And then he walked away. Well, Killian thought, I’ve made a friend, at least, and he seems… jovial. He looked around at the emptying room, searching for Lily, who had been sitting in on his lesson, but she had disappeared. Killian sighed, moving to the side of the room where his bag sat. He stripped off the white outer-garments he had been given to wear, pulled back on his jacket, lifted his bag over his shoulder and began to walk from the room, beginning the search of his missing girlfriend.

 

* * *

 

Emma was feeling refreshed. She had just finished putting away her riding equipment after a relaxing hour spent brushing and caring for Snow. She had never realised before how therapeutic looking after a horse could be. Increasingly thankful for her mother for suggesting she take up horse-riding, she was dusting off her hands, walking through the stables, her mind relaxed and at ease, when she heard a familiar voice calling from just around the corner.

“Lily? Lily are you in here?”

“Killian?” she called back, just as he rounded the corner. He looked up at her and smiled.

“Emma, hey” he said, coming forward and pulling her in for a hug, “what are you doing here?”

“Horse riding lessons” Emma replied, pleasantly surprised to see him, “I started a few weeks back, I thought I told you. What about you?” she asked, pulling away from his embrace.

“Oh, right” he smiled awkwardly, “I was, er, fencing, actually” Emma raised an eyebrow. “Lily- she got me the first lesson free because her mum runs this place”

“Oh. Right. That’s really nice of her” Emma replied. Her bright mood suddenly dimming slightly, “you enjoying it?”

“Yeah, it was really awesome, actually. I really started to get the hang of it”

“Really? Never thought you were the badass, sword fighting type” she said, raising an eyebrow and laughing.

“Well, I am now. Killian Jones, hero, knight, saviour. Saving damsels in distress and slaying dragons all across the land! At your service” he said, waving his hands around as though he were brandishing a sword. Emma laughed.

“Well you can check me off the list of damsels in need of your assistance. I can handle thigs by myself” she grinned, slapping his arm playfully. He laughed along with her.

“Yeah, yeah. I know, you’re fine alone, Swan” he said, stepping towards her, “I’ve always liked that about you”

Emma’s smile faltered for a second before she recovered. She looked up at him, realising how close they were standing to each other. She forgot, then, that they were standing in the very open, very public stables. She forgot, then, that he was looking for his girlfriend. She forgot anything other than him, then.

“Well, you can do pretty well by yourself, as well” she said quietly, looking up at him, copying his movements as his lips inched closer to hers.

“Killian?” a voice called from behind him. Emma suddenly straightened and pulled away, stepping back to lean against the wall behind her. Killian looked towards the voice then back at Emma. His eyes tried to tell her something, but she couldn’t decipher it, not with Lily fast approaching, her mind spinning and turning at the sudden change of keys again and again. Her eyes flicked from left to right, landing anywhere but his searching, anxious gaze. Her palms sweated where they were bunched in fists in the same way the boy opposites were. Their eyes met, their gazes locked, she rounded the corner a second later and sighed as she headed towards them.

“Killian, there you are” she shook her head and looped her arm through his. She barely looked at Emma, only glanced over before turning her attention back to Killian.

“Come on Killy, I want to introduce you to James. He taught the fencing lesson he wants to meet you properly”

Killian looked at Emma briefly then glanced back to Lily, nodding his head and turning to follow her.

“Okay, then. Where is he?” he asked.

“He’s just clearing the fencing room. You go on, my mom asked me to grab some stuff from the stables and take them over to the outdoor arena. I’ll catch you up in a minute” she said, smiling sweetly as she leaned in and placed a kiss on his lips. The kiss quickly became more passionate and Emma turned her head and stared at the wall. Killian broke away suddenly and looked at Emma, face flushing, embarrassed.

“Emma?” he said warily, trying to catch her eyes.

“Say, hi, to my uncle for me” Emma replied, straining a smile.

“Yeah, okay. Bye”

“Bye” Emma muttered faintly as Killian off towards the fencing room. When he was out of earshot Lily turned to Emma, advancing until she was stood right in front of her. She grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the stables.

“I just wanted to clear something up with you” she said, smiling sickeningly sweetly at Emma with a glare to rival no other, “me and Killian are together. Got that? I know something was going on before I walked in here. Don’t try and lie, I know you still like him. But, do try to remember this, he chose me over you, so, _get over it_ ”

“Lily, despite what you may think, I wasn’t trying to take him. Killian’s my best friend. I’m not trying to get in the way of your relationship, I’m sorry if that’s what it seems like to you-”

 “Emma” Lily cut her off, “I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say. Killian chose me. We are together. He’s _mine_ ” she waved her hands as she spoke, punctuating every word with deafening force, “back off and stay away” she enunciated each word clearly, “before you ruin another relationship” she turned and stalked off, following Killian’s footsteps towards the fencing room.

Emma slumped against the nearest wall, head in her hands as she thought about what just happened. Obviously she hadn’t been as good at concealing what had happened between her and Killian as she thought. Lily knew something had happened, but Emma didn’t think she would get like this about it.

“Ahem”

Emma looked up, confused. There was a girl stood above her, looking down at her with a worried expression. Her flaming red hair glowed like hell's inferno as the light shone down through the blazing, spiraled strands. She looked awkwardly down at Emma, then offered her hand. Emma took it and the girl helped pull her to her feet.

“Um, hi. I couldn’t help, but… overhearing. I was in the stall…” she turned and pointed to a stall nearby with a huge black mare in it, “sorting out Angus, when I heard you and that girl…”

“Lily” Emma informs her

“Right. Well I heard you and Lily talking and I didn’t want to interrupt your _conversation_ , so I waited. She’s a bit of a” she paused, as if searching for the right words, then seemed to give up with a sigh, saying in her broad, Scottish voice, “ She’s a right evil cow, isn’t she?” she finished with a satisfied smile.

Emma smiled weakly in return, the relief of finding someone who finally saw too filling her.

“Yeah, she is. Well, can be” Emma had a sudden jab of guilt deep in her stomach, her mind flooded with regrets and memories of the past.

“Why was she being so bitchy?” the girl asked, as they began walking out of the stables, “I’m Merida by the way”

“Emma” she replied, “Though I suppose she has her reasons, Killian and I have been best friends since… well forever. I don’t know why she’s so against us being friends. It’s like she’s set out to make my life a misery” She sighed and looked over at Merida curiously.

“So, what are you doing here then?” Emma asked, rather bluntly.

“I do archery, horse-riding sometimes, but mainly archery. I travel a lot but my family finally settled down here a few weeks ago. I started coming here as soon as we were sorted out with the house. I want to start entering competitions, doing things professionally, I hope. I wanted to ask Regina and Robin if they could teach me horseback archery” she replied, tucking her wild, curly hair behind her ear, which only sprung out once more as soon as her hand moved away from her ear. Her eyes moved in the direction of the offending strand of hair for a second, then she rolled her eyes at it as if it had chosen specifically to annoy her and sighed.

“Wow that’s pretty cool”

“Yeah. What about you? You into archery?”

“Horse riding actually” she replied, proudly, “I started a few weeks ago and I like to think I’m already getting pretty good”

“There it is!” Merida cheered, catching Emma by surprise as Merida stood grinning at her, "You got fire! I like that! If you ask me I think you should forget about this Killian. He seems to be causing more trouble than he’s worth. You should focus on you for a while instead of chasing after him. Would you give up everything you've work for, your time, your happiness, your life, just because of a man, or that bitch?”

Emma laughed.

“I do not chase him!” she grinned and gently shoved her new friend. Merida pushed back and laughed as Emma stumbled slightly.

“Focusing on that part, are we? You could work on staying upright for a start, if you're going to try your hand at archery”

"Who said anything about archery?"

"I did. You're aim is way off lass. You need a lesson in keeping your sight clear, and your aim true"

"And why is that?"

"Because" she pushed her frizzy, curling locks determinedly out of her face, though they only began to spring back the second she did so, "once your target is in sight and your aim is true, nothing can get in your way"

 

* * *

 

Maybe she acted on impulse, maybe she acted irrationally. But the moment she saw them together, she knew she had interrupted something and it just made her blood boil. Any resolve she had for getting used to Emma’s presence in Killian’s life flooded. Something had happened and she knew it. Whatever she had walked in on was more than just ‘friends being friends’ and there was no way that Lily would stand for it.

 

* * *

 

After she gave her a crash course in archery (which involved a lot of laughing at Emma's attempts on Merida's part) Emma and Merida spent the rest of the day together, hanging around the stables, grooming horses for a few hours before they headed back to Merida’s house. She lived on the outskirts of town, her garden backed into the forest and she had an archery range going along the edge of the garden. Her parents couldn’t be any more different. Her mum was lovely, a kind, gentle woman, small and quiet, who offered Emma a drink and snack as soon as she walked in the door. Merida groaned behind her and scowled at her mum.

“Mother, please don’t” she said, sighing and heading towards the stairs, when a thunderous voice echoed through the house.

“Merida? Is that you?”

Soon, the source of the voice was revealed when her dad walked into the room, it was clear instantly where Merida got her bright red hair from. Her dad was insanely tall, huge, he had to duck his head just to get through the door and his hair was a similar red to his daughters and merged into a bristling ginger beard over his chin. At first, he was an intimidating man (at that size, how could you not be?) but he was lovely. He asked about their time at _The Enchanted Forest_ and if they wanted anything. Merida spent the whole time edging slowly backwards towards the stairs, pulling Emma with her, sighing at her parents and rolling her eyes at her parents as she did.

“Right, we have to go. Stuff to do” she rushed off up the stairs, pulling Emma with her.

“God, they are so annoying” she said, sighing as she shut the door behind them.

“They were lovely” Emma said, smiling.

“Yeah I guess. But sometimes it just seems to… I dunno smother me. I don’t seem to have any freedom to do what I want. That’s why I do archery. It’s the one thing I feel I have an actual choice in” she sighed again and flopped down on the bed. Emma sat next to her, letting her carry on. “They seem to think I have some kind of duty to them. To the name of DunBroch. But I don’t want that, I don’t want to do what’s ‘proper’, I just want to be myself. I want to be free and I just don’t think mum understands that. She wants us to be this picture perfect family and I just feel constantly like, by being myself, I’m not good enough for her”

They stayed in Merida’s room for the rest of the afternoon, just talking, about Merida and her family, Emma and her problem with Lily and Killian, school, work, and life in general. Emma met Merida's brothers, all three of the little 'tykes' as Merida's dad called them. More like little ginger hurricanes, Emma herself thought, she had never seen three little boys who could cause more trouble in five minutes than a dog could cause in a room full of cats. But they were amusing, at least, and Merida lit up around them, even though she feigned annoyance. Emma liked Merida more and more as the day progressed. She was fun, headstrong, determined, and amazingly sassy and not to mention brave and she would put Emma straight without even blinking an eye, she was everything Emma needed in a friend right now. And by the end of the day, as they said goodbye on the porch with the ruckus of the three hurricanes booming from inside, they were good friends. Emma looked forward to her time at the stables at The Enchanted Forest even more after that. And not because Killian would be there. Because, Emma knew Merida was right. She needed to move past this thing with Killian and Lily. Emma did need to focus, just as Regina kept telling her, she needed to focus on herself. And once her focus was clear, her aim would be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... that took a while. We're so sorry. We got caught up on school work and birthdays and we're both taking part in a CS writing challenge thing so we've both been working on those. And then I've had to work on my UCAS for university applications (scary right?). Well, to sum up it's been crazy and hectic and stressful and ugh, but, we're back! Hopefully, more regularly now (but, I make no promises) Hope you guys enjoy the chapter you waited way too long for! And a major thanks to Shut_up_im_reading for giving me the kick up the arse I needed to get this one moving along! (blame me for the long wait, thank her for this chapter)  
> Dysphorite ^_^
> 
> P.S. It was really fun writing Merida, seeing as I already have the skills that allow me to write her hair perfectly (I literally have Merida's hair, so I know exactly how that stuff works. Meaning, how annoying it is. Looks like it came in use for something, after all) ;)


	19. Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you weren't expecting for us to post another chapter within a week, eh?  
> Look at us being all back on track (for now) ;) So, as you can see from the title, there are some changes taking place and we hope you enjoy the chapter. We're trying to get ahead while we have the chance (we've had an unusually free week) so when we're inevitably overwhelmed with homework and coursework in the run up to Christmas we won't end up not posting for about a month (again, sorry)  
> Plus, I think I got into this chapter better :)  
> Thanks to Shut_up_im_reading for her help in the writing process,  
> hope you enjoy and thanks for reading (and sticking with us), we love you guys!  
> Dysphorite ^_^

 

* * *

 

There hasn't been a day that's gone by that she hasn't thought of her. Her one and only. Her daughter. Today the memories came in the form of raindrops running races down the sleek windowpane beside her, looking out onto the quiet morning streets of the city. For they reminded of her tears, the ones she shed when she was taken from her. Her daughter. Her happiness.  Her one and only hope. She remembers her perfectly, as clear as the cool glass and the day beyond blurred by the cruel memory of pain and the mourning tears of the sky, of its grief for the light, of her grief for hope, of grief for her daughter. Though there was some hope in all of her pain, which she felt in nervous knots in her stomach and anxious trembles in her fingertips as she sat in the too soft chair next to the window of the quiet coffee shop, where they were to meet. And maybe it wasn't exactly legal, but it was the best she had. And she had to know, she had to know what happened to her. Her daughter.

A darkly clad figure walks through the glass doors out of the rain, wetness shining in the creases of their coat. They shake off the rain and glance about, subtly scanning the room. Where one would usually walk straight to the barista and order a drink, before finding a stable and settling, this person strode directly to the table where the lone woman sat with intent, their gazes locked and the figure sat. A tense silence ensued, only the sound of the rain pelting against the sleek glass and the chatter of the quiet coffee shop reminded them of the publicity of their meeting point. 

"So, you've come all this way. Mr. Gold" the woman levelled with a glare to rival his piercing gaze.

"I have. Never say Mr. Gold doesn't help a friend in need" he spoke is harsh, hushed tone that was more sinister that his jovial words would deceive.

"Do you have what I asked for?" she cut straight to the point.

"I do. But I'm going to give you another chance, to... preserve what you have"

"What I have is pain. We had a deal and I've more than earned my answer"

"Yes. But pain fades, unless you feed it. And this could be the meal you really don't want"

"I've never seen my daughter, not since the day I gave birth to her and she was taken away. I don't even know what her name is. I don't care how much it may hurt to know her fate, any pain that comes to me because of her is pain I need" her voice broke and she clutched the chain around her neck with white  hands, “I  need this" 

"You kept it then, after all this time?" his eyes  travelled  to the chain around her neck, where a tiny silver rattle with a purple orb hung delicately.

"Always. She's my daughter, my child, I never wanted to give her away. Now tell me, where is she? Who is she? Is she happy?" her tone became desperate and heavy with emotion. The man sighed.

"Her name is Lilith. Lilith Page-Mills. And she lives in a town called Storybrooke"

“Are you sure  it’s  her?”

“Most definitely. She has the birthmark you mentioned”

"Lily" she whispered under her breath, tears and hope alight in her eyes. "Is she happy?"

The man faltered. The woman's stomach jolted.

"Is my daughter happy?" she enunciated each word is profound clarity.

"She's... troubled" he chose his words carefully.

"Why? Who?" the woman's anger sparked.

"There is no 'who'. Every adopted child is troubled in some way, no matter what their family does"

"Is it her family? Do they treat her well?"

"They do. Miss Le Ficentia. And need I remind you that you are in no position to judge. Are you or are you not the one who gave her away?" his tone became sharp, snapping at the woman like hungry jaws.

"What occurred, occurred through no choice of my own, Gold. I think I have the right to be concerned over my daughter's welfare"

"You are aware that any involvement on your part at this stage would be outside the line that the law draws before us"

"Like that matters. She is  _my _ _daughter_. If  anyone  tries to hurt her, they will not see the light for days" her eyes flared with the wrath of a dragon as her vengeful voice thundered, low enough to go unnoticed in the coffee shop, but loud enough to command presence and respect. "You have no idea the power that I have, the forces I can command, be careful Gold. You have no idea what I am capable of"

"And that is how you lost her in the first place! Getting mixed up with all the wrong people in the pursuit of your precious power, forgetting reality"  he paused for a second and took a deep breath, looking over at the woman sat across from him, “There is something I wanted to tell you. When I was looking for your daughter… I found something. You’re not going to like it”

“What is it? Just tell me!”

“The official documents state she arrived at the care home in Boston in February”

“What? That’s not possible… they had her then”

“They didn’t. That’s what I wanted to tell you. They didn’t keep her. They gave her away a few weeks after they took her from you. Left her on the doorstep of the care home”

The woman was quiet for a minute, thinking about what she had just learnt.

“So… everything I did for them, because they had her? It was all for nothing?”

“I wouldn’t say that. They probably kept track of her location in case they needed to use her against you again. Anything you did would have protected her and given her a chance at a happy life”

"I could have given her a happy life!  I was trying to change, for her! I was different, I was making a better life  _for her _ and yet they still took her.  And they didn’t even keep her. They dropped her off all alone and didn’t even tell me.  That was  not  my fault and I'm trying to make up for that every single day that I breathe. You have no idea the pain that I've felt in losing her. She was taken from me against my will, now I'm taking her back"

"Wake up, Miss Le Ficentia, this is the real world, not some fairytale. You cannot just waltz into that girl's life and whisk her away to some happy ending. I can assure you that it won't be that easy. You're forgetting the girl herself. She is your daughter, after all, let's just say she hasn't been such a  _ good girl _ . She's got herself into trouble  some times  over and now her mother is doing her best to change that. What can you do? What are you hoping to achieve by storming over there and demanding the head of who hurt your child. She doesn't even know who you are, all she knew is that you gave her away. I can imagine she has some things to say to you to. And any extra pain coming to her now, she's brought herself into in the pursuit of revenge. Oh, yes, Miss Malika Le Ficentia,  just like  you . She thinks no one can see it, but I have my eyes everywhere"

"If she keeps going down the path she is, only pain is going to come to her. I know it well" her tone softened, becoming alarmed and questioning, her eyes searching unseeing across the room as she processed the information given to her. The man nodded. "Then don't you see? I have to intervene. She's my daughter, who knows the trouble she can cause. Besides, this was always the plan. I have to meet her, my daughter, and if she isn't happy there. I'll find her happiness someplace else. That, _ I  _can assure  _you _  of" she swept herself up magnificently, turning her back on the man and the rain beyond the window and marching towards the door with a freshly forged fire of intent, of purpose. Perhaps she had lost that for a time, in her pain and her mourning, her regret and longing, but now she was back. Fire and all.

 

* * *

"Merida!" Emma called in surprise, spotting the vivid red mane that shone brightly in the morning light, drawing your eyes directly to the girl who had just walked through the front gates of the school, "you didn't tell me you were coming to this school!" running up to her, Emma pulled her into a hug with a wide smile.

"Aye, well, I didn’t know myself" the girl replied, slightly startled by Emma's embrace.

"How could you not know?" Emma laughed, " There’s  only one high school in Storybrooke!"

"Does it matter? I'm here now aren't I?" Merida replied in her broad Scottish tones. "Now, are you going to tell me who that group of girls that have been staring and whispering at you are, or am I going to have to force it from you?" her gaze narrowed to the group of girls in the distance behind Emma, who were periodically  levelling  a frown at Emma and then whispering to one another.

Emma cast a glance back and, sure enough, there stood Tilly, Ashley and Lily casting scowls in her direction and whispering unquietly with Ruby in the middle of the group, looking uncomfortable.

"Oh, never mind them" Emma shrugged the feeling of being judged off, "come on, there's someone I want you to meet"

"Not that Killian lad, right?" Merida warned warily.

"No, no, not him" Emma brushed Merida's words aside, trying to lead her towards the entrance.

"Then, lead the way, lass, so far I'm finding it hard to believe there's anyone half-decent in this place" Emma raised an eyebrow, "apart from you... maybe" she joked, awarding a playful shove from Emma.

"Well, there is. As for the others, they weren't always so bad. They used to be my friends until..." her voice trailed off.

"Until her" Merida spat, finishing Emma's sentence, throwing a nod in Lily's direction with a scowl. "You know, if you want, I could easily  march  on over there and-"

"Merida" Emma cut in abruptly, "I wouldn't like you to get suspended on your first day. Anyway, I would like you to meet my friend, this is Belle" she steered Merida's attention from Lily to a brunette with long, flowing curls and smart dress, standing just inside the entrance of the school corridor. Emma pushed open the doors. 

"Belle" Emma sighed, greeting her friend with a smile and pulling her into a hug.

"Emma, it's good to see you" she smiled back, "who's this?" Belle moved her eyes to smile questioningly at Merida, who was lurking to the side of Emma.

"This is-" Emma began.

"Merida DunBroch. I'm new around here" she smiled.

"You don't say? I t's nice to meet you, Merida. Scottish? I s that where you moved from?"

"Well, aren't you the clever one? Nobody around here could make hide nor hair of my accent, much least where I come from. Aye, I mean, yes, my family and I moved from there to here a couple weeks ago"

"We met at that place, The Enchanted Forest, where I go horse-riding, remember?" Emma interjected, filling in the blank spaces.

"Oh, right. Yes, I do" Belle recollected.

"Well, Merida does archery there, so"

"Wow, archery. You don't see much of that around these days" Belle's eyes widened in surprise.

"You do, if you look in the right places. You should try it" Merida suggested with a grin.

"No, no, I'm more of a book girl myself" Belle smiled. "So, Merida, what classes are you taking?"

The three began to walk together down the corridor, chatting away about classes and forms, this and that. Belle brought up Prom, which was getting closer and closer, telling them about themes and arrangements that required her attention, being on the committee and all. And Emma found herself thinking that maybe things didn't look so bleak after all. That maybe, just maybe, the winds were beginning to blow in her  favour , fast and strong with luck and a promise of a fresh start.

* * *

The lunch hall was busy, loud with the voices of students, talking about their day, the newest gossip.  Lily was chatting with her friends, moving from one conversation to the next within the group  when s uddenly Ashley  spoke up.

“How’s it going with Killian, then, Lily ? ” she asked, grinning at her friend suggestively. Lily smirked back.

“Great actually. He’s finally getting over Emma. Thank God”

Ruby laughed sharply, awarding a sideways look from Ashley, who decided to ignore her as  Lily continued, “She’s been really annoying recently. She  just can’t  understand that Killian and I are together. She just needs to get over it and move on already. I don’t get why he was ever friends with her in the first place, she’s such a whiny -”

Ashley had been sniggering, nodding to encourage her, but suddenly had fallen quiet. Lily’s smile faltered and she turned to look behind her, where Ashley and  Ruby’s gaze s fell with a look of abject horror and embarrassment. Behind their table, Killian was stood, frozen  with a face as cold and removed as stone. He looked at her for a second, then turned and walked  away  without saying a word . Lily sighed  in trivial annoyance  and turned to her friends.

“I’ll be right back”

She got up and left the hall, stalking through the crowds after him.

 

* * *

She found him outside the lunch  hall, walking down the corridor with his shoulders tense and fist clenched at his sides. If Lily had been observant enough to notice the obvious signs of anger on his profile, she might have had the good sense to leave him be, at least for the time being. But, still, s he hurried to catch up with him.

“Killian?” she called, mockinginnocence, catching his arm playfully. “Killian,  what’s the matter?”

“Nothing” he shot back at her, shrugging her hand from his arm and storming along the corridor ahead.

“Killian, please” she called out, stopping and watching him walk away. “Is it something I said?”

Killian faltered, stopping dead in his tracks for a moment, body tense. His head turned slightly sideways, looking back over his shoulder. Then,  the muscles in his jaws tensed, his hands flexed, and he walked on, not looking back.

 

* * *

Emma spent her lunch with Belle and Merida in the library, after showing Merida briefly around the lunch hall, the two had steered Emma off quickly when their gazes had locked with a familiar group of gossiping girls  and  Belle lead  them into to the library (of course). And, now, here they sat, in the quiet comfort of the near empty library, with row upon row of bookshelves guarding their backs and the midday sunlight streaming through the high sunset-shaped windows of the walls. Thanks to the  favourable  weather of early Summer, most people were already outside and Emma sighed gratefully for the room's quiet comfort, sending a silent thanks to the Sun for shining brightly today with a smile. 

"So, Emma. How's everything with Killian?" Belle asked, breaking through Emma's reverie.

"Ugh, him again?" Merida scoffed, causing Belle to raise an eyebrow. "What?" Merida protested, seeing Belle's expression, "if you ask me, he's more trouble than he's worth"

"They've been best friends their entire lives!"

"Yeah? And what does that matter if he's treating you like second rate to his cow of a girlfriend now?" Merida addressed Emma now, both heads turned towards her and Emma felt herself turning red.

"He doesn't treat me like second rate, things are fine between us. Just like they used to be" Emma tried to convince herself, more than convince them.

"You're not going to convince me, Emma" Belle said, "you forget that I was there before Lily arrived and after. Something is definitely off and we all know it's thanks to Lily"

"Well, what do you expect me to do? I still want him in my life, he's my best friend!" Belle and Merida shared a look that Emma decided to ignore, continuing on, "if I want him in my life, that means accepting his girlfriend, even if it is Lily. And I'm prepared to do that!"

"Yeah, and how is that working out for you?" Merida asked, leaning back in her chair, folding her arms.

Emma fidgeted awkwardly. 

"That's what I thought" Merida finished.

"You know what Emma, forget about him, get over him" Belle smiled,  "y ou have us now and other things you can focus on" she added in comfortingly. 

At that moment a figure turned the corner of particularly long bookcase  separating the corner where Emma sat from the rest of the library. In the corner of her vision, Emma saw a boy  with eyes roaming the line of books with one finger trailing the spines after him as he goes, a boy she had never encountered before. one with slightly curling, light chestnut hair hanging over his forehead, curling over the frames of his thick black glasses which he pushed up with his hand absent mindedly as he went along, dressed casually in dark denim skinnies and light blue- grey  v-neck tee with a cardigan pulled over and a messenger bag slung over the shoulder. A boy that wasn't terrible to look at, not terrible at all, actually. But, Emma moved her gaze back to Merida and Belle.

"I  _am_  over him. You know that. I decided over half term " 

"Uh hm" Merida raised her eyebrows.

"I  _ am_ _._   I've even been thinking about maybe dating other people"

That caught their attention.

"What? Really" they both exclaimed at once. "Since when?" Belle added.

"Yeah, really. I mean, not for a little while yet. At least a week or two. But, definitely, yeah. I told you, I  _am_ over him"

"I guess so..." Belle mused with a creased brown.

"Well, if you're  really going to start to date other guys. Then we're going to have to pick out the lucky contenders then" Merida smirked.  Emma grinned mischievously.

"I'm way ahead of you" 

 

* * *

He spent lunch outside, at the back of  the playing field  in an attempt to cool off. W atching people play football , chat in groups, sitting together on the grass. As the months were turning warmer with  summer  approaching, more and more groups have decided to make the transition from indoors to outdoors. Though, luckily, Lily’s group of friends hadn’t, which made it all the more  easy  to get away from her. He couldn’t help  replaying  Lily’s words  over and over in his head. Why would she say that?  What would have she gone on to say if she hadn’t realised he was standing there? If she was his girlfriend, wasn’t she supposed to accept the people that are in his life? Especially one  as  important as Emma.  If Lily liked him as much as she said she did, what did Emma matter?  He thoug ht they were getting along well, well enough, at least. He knew they had their differences, Emma had revealed as much long ago, when they first started dating. But, since then, she had told him she was prepared to set that aside if that made him happy. He thought Lily meant to do the same, but…

Now there was this.

If Lily only knew how much he owed to Emma. Only Emma. He can’t live without Emma. So where did that leave Lily? 

Where did that leave him?

The events of the day brought up new challenges and old hurts, and now Killian found himself questioning their entire relationship.  The whole reason he first entered into this sham of a relationship was because Lily liked him so much and he didn't want to hurt her , and honestly it  didn't turn out  so  bad. But, if Lily liked him half as much that she had first revealed, as much as she let on, then why was this happening now? If Lily didn't like him as she said she did...

_ Where does that leave us? _

At that point, Killian wasn’t sure who he was referring to anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! Hope you enjoyed it guys we are trying to get ahead with our writing while we can so hopefully we will continue posting on Fridays for a few weeks at least before we get too busy :) I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please feel free to leave thoughts in the comments we love hearing back from you! Thanks to Dysphorite for doing such a good job with this chapter hopefully we can both keep up the good work :D Thanks for reading  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	20. Opposite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, us again! Not much to say this week other than hope you enjoy the chapter and thanks for reading! ^_^ We really appreciate you all for sticking with us :)  
> Dysphorite

 

* * *

 

 That was it. Emma couldn't take  any more  of this. She.  Was .  _ Done . _

" _Lord, kill me now_ "  she groaned, throwing her head back to bang against the wall she leant against.

"Oh, come on, Emma. You know you love it really ” Mary  Margaret crooned in her direction, wagging a pair of tiny blue socks with little boats on them in her face.

Emma sighed. They had been out for hours now, traipsing from shop to shop and all throughout her mother was cooing and  awwing  and generally squealing over this tiny baby grow or that mobile. Yes, Emma had found herself here. On a Saturday, when she would rather be doing, well, anything else, she was, yes, baby shopping. Baby shopping. With her mom and dad. And Emma thought that if she saw one more fluffy blue blanket or cuddle bear, a single little baby sock or little baby hat, she would scream, or throw up, or both. Her patience had utterly worn thin. It wasn't even so bad at first, she had even found some of the objects cute. She all but fell in love with an exquisite mobile that they found in the first shop, one with delicate glass unicorn hanging gracefully from invisible strings. They practically had to tear her away, that is, after teasing her for so suddenly being interesting in anything cute, or 'girly' as they called it. But as their trip wore on, Emma's patience had pretty much run out completely to nothing. So that now, at their tenth –yes tenth- shop (who even knew  Storybrooke  had so many baby shops? Did one small town really need more than one, or even two?) Emma was just about tearing her hair out at the sight of a tiny pair of baby socks. But, her mother was all excited about the new baby and wanted to include Emma in her excitement, and Emma couldn't ruin that. Her mother had been so worried about her lately, it was good to see her happy and smiling,  and she  deserved it. Even if it meant that Emma had to endure shop after shop full of gushing mothers and proud fathers. She could deal. Well, she could try, at least. Try to not kill somebody... or herself for that matter. Emma strained a smile.

"What is it that you're actually looking for, again?" she asked, subtly reminding them of their purpose here.

"Well, anything and everything" David smiled happily at his wife and daughter with a comforting hand clasped on Mary Margaret's shoulder as she looked over socks and hats. The baby was due a little into winter, so they needed all of the winter essentials for the baby, socks, scarfs, blankets, hats and the rest.

"Unfortunately we don't have anything from when you were born, since we found you later" Mary Margaret cast her a sympathetic, sad smile, "so, this is kind of a first for us, in a way. We need pretty much everything. You sure you're okay with all of this, Emma? Because if you're not then-"

"Hey, mom" Emma interrupted with an amused smile, gently placing a hand on her mother's arm, "I'm fine, honestly. I'm glad I can share all of this stuff with you. Yeah, maybe it's sad that we didn't get this when I was a baby, but we can't change that. I can't blame you for that and I've sort of accepted it. I would be lying if a part of me didn't wish I had these things that my friends have had since they were babies with memories of that time in my life like that mobile we saw earlier, but, for me, I don't want to  remember that time with a family that gave me away as soon as they had their own child. I want to remember this, you. You're my family, that's all I need"

" _Emma_.. ." Mary Margaret squeaked, her face scrunched up with tears. She moved to pull Emma into a hug but was stopped by Emma.

"But, these" she pulled a pair of  particularly  horrific socks with orange camouflage print out her mother's hands, "these you don't need, okay?" she put them back on the shelf with a laughing smile at her mother, who was properly crying now. " _ Mom _ " Emma pulled her into a hug.

"Sorry" Mary Margaret pulled back, dabbing at her eyes with a blanket in her hands they hadn't bought yet, awarding an alarmed looked from David, "hormones. Emma, we're so glad to share this with you too"

"And we're sorry that, whatever the circumstances, we couldn't give this to you" David smiled sadly at his daughter."

" _ Dad _ " Emma sighed and pulled both of her parents into a hug until there was two sobbing adults with bags full of baby stuff in the middle of a busy shop on a Saturday, with a slightly uncomfortable but smiling Emma caught in the middle.

 

* * *

Regina was in the stables, brushing  Rocinante  whilst humming to herself. The Enchanted Forest was quiet, it was too early for anybody to arrive yet, so Regina was making the most of the empty stables and silent morning with bright Sunlight streaming in from the long open windows, enjoying the peace before students and parents began to arrive for their Saturday lessons. She was quite alone, at least, she thought she was. She was so thoroughly absorbed in the rhythmic brushing for her steed's chestnut mane, the feel of  Rocinante's  firm body beneath the brush and his soft whinnies, that she didn't notice a tall figure moving slowly towards her, faltering every step or so as if he kept changing his mind, or reconsidering his intent. Outside, small birds sang their morning chorus that drifted into the wooden walls of the open stables, joining song with Regina's gentle humming. Eventually, the man reached the distracted woman, who continued to be blissfully unaware of his presence, that is, until he gracefully tripped over his own feet and bashing into a nearby beam with a loud thud which resulted in Regina finally whirling around at the din the man had made with a flick of her long braid.

"Robin?!" she called, startled, "I didn't know you were there, I thought this was your day off?"

" Err...  well, it is" Robin regained his footing but stumbled awkwardly over his words, scratching nervously at the back of his neck and avoiding her curious stare.

"Well, what are you doing here then?" Regina frowned.

"Always straight to the point" Robin mused almost to himself with a laugh, finally working up the courage to say what he came here to, "So, allow be to be blunt. I came here looking for you, Regina"

"Me?" she raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

"Yes, you. Is there anyone else here?" he motioned to the room around them.

"But- why? Is there something wrong with the finances? Some complaint or?" she blurted, thrown off kilter by his bluntness.

"Nothing of the sort. No, I want to talk to you, Regina"

"About what?" she raised an eyebrow, throwing her weight slightly onto one hip.

"About us"

Regina  straighten ed  immediately, back straight, a blush running up her neck into her cheeks.

"Then there's nothing to talk about then"

"We both know that's not true"

"Oh really?" she turned her back on Robin and continued brushing  Rocinante , studiously ignoring him.

"Yes, and you know it too" he moved closer to her until they were standing side by side, "I think, deep down, you actually want to talk about what's in there" he raised his hand to hover with a finger point to  where her heart was, on the left side of her chest.

"What makes you think you know me so well?"

"Well, for one thing I would probably have a pitchfork between the eyes, running out of here covered in straw by now if you didn't"

She smiled at that.

"True" she agreed.

"So, can I talk?"

"I'm not stopping you" she turned back to  Rocinante .

"Regina, I have struggled in vain it will not do, I've walked the forest just trying to get myself straight, to focus on anything else but my heart led me here. I can't contain this any longer. Regina, please let me tell you that- that I love you. And I can't help but feel like you feel something for me too"

Regina was silent, stunned, her hand was still on the brush, help captive by Robin's words. She didn't know what to do, didn't know how to react. It had been so long... She didn't think she could love again, didn't think she would ever be loved again. She had spent the last months ignoring her feelings, ignoring what her heart was telling her, what she knew was true. Suddenly unfrozen, her hand moved shakily over her horse's many, just trying to regain some semblance of composure and keep her feelings in  check, her body in check.  But Robin was there, barging his  way into her heart, her composure, her steely visage, so it was hard to keep it up, so difficult not to react.

"Regina, Regina, why can't you even look me in the eye?"

"Because, I don't know how to tell you the truth"

"The truth?" his voice dropped low and his eyes dimmed slightly, "that you don't love me, that you don't feel the same way"

"That you need to forget about me"

"Why? Why, Regina? Why should I forget about you?"

"Because!" she cried out suddenly, overwhelmed by his pushing, "Because, I don't know how to love well"

"What?"

"My first love, he died because of me. Because, he loved me. Since then, since then-"

"You haven't been able to open yourself up again"

She smiled weakly.

"Regina, after I lost my wife, I felt like that for a long time. Her death my fault"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know"

"I know. I would have walked through hell to be with her again. But when I finally admitted that she was gone, and I had to let that guilt go. I felt so exposed, so vulnerable at first but, in time, it meant that I could feel something else too. It let something else in. Love, Regina, love for you. I'm in love with you"

"You are?"

"Yes, but, none of that matters, if you don't let me in. Please, let me in, Regina. Let love in"

She stood still for a moment, unmoving, heart pounding. She stood for so long that Robin's heart fell slackened  and he  began to slowly, regretfully move away from her. But then Regina moved, moved slowly, but moved. She turned, she dropped the brush and reach over to him, grabbing blindly for his shirt. She pulled him towards her, meeting his confused gaze and then they were kissing. Kissing. His lips melted into hers, she let out a small sigh as she felt warmth flooding her as if she had finally walked, from years spent walking alone in the snow, into a room flooded with the warmth of a sparking fire. Robin slowly pulled back and they looked each other in the eyes, finally seeing the person beyond the eyelids and then they were kissing again. Kissing. Loving. Both felt the warmth of the love they never thought they'd find again. The warmth, the acceptance, the pure elation and happiness of finding one  another. Eventually, Regina pulled back, aware that they were in a very public stables. She leant her forehead against his, both breathing heavily, and rested her hands against his chest.

"What is it?" she whispered huskily.

"I- I just never thought I'd have this" she murmured.

"Is that you finally admitting it, then?" he smirked down at her.

"Admitting what, thief?"

"Thief?" he smiled incr edulously, eyebrows raising, "t hen tell my, my queen, what did I steal?"

She beamed up at him.

"My heart"

 

* * *

Killian hadn’t spoken to Lily in days and he wasn’t about to start. He was waiting for her to come to him this time. This time it was her call. He had started questioning everything about their relationship  since he heard her bitching about Emma the other day. Emma was a big part of his life, even when she was avoiding him as she was now. He hadn’t seen her much in the last few days… since he saw her at  The Enchanted Forest  really. He considered going to see her but she might not want to see him. 

He considered his relationship with Lily again. He seemed to be doing that a lot recently. He was beginning to contemplate breaking up with her but every time this came up he pushed it to the back of his mind. He couldn’t hurt Lily like that no matter what she did. It was just an opinion. But it was about Emma. And Emma meant a lot to him. God he was going round in circles. He gave up, sighing heavily and standing, grabbing his coat as he left the house. 

Walking along the road he found himself in the forest. Lost in his thoughts he didn’t realise where he was for a moment. He snapped out of the haze and realised he was sat at the base of the tree. Their tree. Emma. It always seems to come back to her.  He had to find out why she was ignoring him.

 

* * *

Emma was in her room with Merida and Belle, doing English homework when the doorbell rang. She shrugged to her friends and continued what she was writing when she heard her mother yell  from downstairs.

“Emma honey?” her mom called up the stairs, “there’s someone here for you”

Emma looked up at her friends.

“Go get it then lass” Merida said, nodding towards the door.

Emma got up and  hurried down the stairs, passing her mom in the corridor. She rounded the corner and there by the door was Killian. He turned as she approached and smiled widely at her . She smiled back, warily.

“Hey” he said quietly, taking a step forwards as if to hug her then thinking better of it and moving back.

“Hey” she replied, “what are you doing here?” she asked bluntly.

“Oh… well. Emma you know we have been best friends forever. I can tell you anything. I just feel like… you’ve been avoiding me again?” he phrased it more like a question than a statement as though he didn’t want to offend her. She smiled back at him and took a step closer.

“Ok you got me. I guess I have. I’m sorry” she said, looking at the floor. He took another step towards her.

“Why?”

“Well I just got the kind of feeling Lily… doesn’t want me around very much” she said, looking up at him as she replayed the scene in the stables again in her head. Killian didn’t seem shocked at her reply.

“I get that feeling too” he said, stepping away from her and scratching the spot behind his ear.

“I guess I should just leave you two alone then” she said, slightly disappointed. She turned to go when a hand grabbed her arm.

“Hey” she turned to see Killian, looking at her in confusion, “I didn’t say that. You can see me whenever you want. If Lily wants to be with me she has to accept that you are a big part of my life. I’m not going to let her push you away”

Emma was awestruck. Part of her was overjoyed that he would do that. The other part was angry. Where had he been when Lily pushed her away last time. He didn’t seem to get he had already missed that. It was too late. He had chosen Lily over her, right from th e first moment he met her . She didn’t like Lily and Lily sure as hell didn’t like her. It couldn’t work.  Especially not with their difficult past  confusing everything in the whole situation .  And anyway she was moving on now. She was thinking about herself for once ,  not everyone else.

“Killian. I think it’s a bit late for tha t. She’s already pushed me away and you let her You’ve  had your chance and you chose her . I know you’re my best friend so I can tell you anything. But these days I feel you just won’t listen” she looked down, hiding the tears in her eyes. She didn’t want this to happen but his relationship with Lily was something she didn’t need to worry about. She needed to forget them, forget him. She looked up at him and saw he had similar tears in his eyes, threatening to leak out.

“Emma?” he said, understanding what she was saying, “Emm a,  please. Let’s not end like this. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you”

Emma was about to snap back at him when another voice rang down the hallway.

“You lost her a long time ago ,  lad. I think it would be best if you left”

Emma turned to see Merida walking towards her, a cautious Belle following behind, clutching a book. She smiled at her friends and turned back to Killian.

“I’m sorry Killian. I just can’t do this anymore. Lily doesn’t like me but there’s nothing I can say or do to stop that.  You want me to forgive you and for things to go back to the way they used to be, but it's not going to be that easy. Things can't go back, not now. I don’t want to ruin your relationship. I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy” she said, chin up as she looked at Killian. She turned on her heels and walked away, leaving him stood alone by the door. She didn’t hear what he said next -

“Be happy ,  Emma”

 

* * *

Killian arrived home to find Lily sat in his room.

“What are you doing here” he snapped, quickly blinking the tears from his eyes so she wouldn’t see.

“Can’t I come and see my boyfriend?” she replied. Killian winced slightly at the word boyfriend.

“Sure. Just let me know next time” he said, forcing a smile.

“ I came to talk to you. Have I done something to annoy you?” she smiled sweetly at him, standing and taking a step closer to him, “I don’t like to see you upset”

She moved closer, leaning in towards his lips. Just as she was about to kiss him he took a step back.

“You know full well what you did” he said, turning away and stepping towards the window. Lily didn’t move for a second before she stepped closer to him, sliding her arms around his waist and resting her head on his back. He stood, frozen still, unresponsive to her advances.

“Why did you say that about Emma? I thought you two were getting on”

“I thought so too. She just doesn’t seem to like me. I heard her saying some really mean stuff about me to her friends. She called me a bitch and said I was manipulating you”

“She did what?” he turned to look at her, seeing tears spilling from her eyes, he moved to brush them away, “hey I’m sorry I didn’t realise she said that”

“It’s ok ay . I guess I can understand why she would say that. She obviously likes you” she said, looking up at him through spidery lashes, coated with tears.

Killian was quiet for a moment. What Lily was saying didn’t sound like Emma. She certainly didn’t like him. Maybe as a friend but not as anything more. And maybe not even as a friend anymore. He sighed and pulled Lily into a hug.

“I’m sorry ,  Lily . I didn’t know ”

“It’s ok ay . I shouldn’t have said those things about her”

“Yeah you shouldn’t she is… was my best friend but I guess you had the reason to”

“I’m sorry”

She  pulled away and looked him in the eyes. Tears left tracks on her cheeks as she smiled at him. He smiled back as she leaned towards him again, eyes flicking to his lips. Her lips brushed his slowly, gently at first then more desperate. Her hands moved around his waist, sliding up his back.  He sighed against her lips pulling away a second later. He tried to feel something with Lily, he really did but nothing. He couldn’t feel anything with her. He had tried so hard but  still  he couldn’t change. He knew he couldn’t leave Lily, not now. He needed her  in some strange, contorted way . He couldn’t deal with this loss alone. Emma. Without her he would be alone. Lily was  his last hope. Without her he would be alone.  Somehow, he had come full circle and Lily was back to being simply the distraction from Emma that began this whole mess.

 

* * *

Emma spent the rest of the week keeping her mind off Killian. She avoided him at school, outside of school. She didn’t get involved in any gossip concerning her once best friend. She spent most of her time in the library with Belle and Merida or at The Enchanted Forest. Merida had begun to teach Emma some more archery skills. 

“In case you need to protect yourself” she said, grinning at her. Emma had laughed and accepted it. Merida was also attending horse riding lessons with Emma, hoping to combine her two skills and eventually learn to shoot from horseback. Belle even attended sometimes, mainly watching but on c e they managed to get her on a horse for a lesson. Belle liked to watch them ride or hang out in the stables, grooming the horses. She often had a book with her and only occasionally snapped out of her book haze to look up and see how they were doing.

This morning they were in the library and Emma was meandering amongst the shelves, looking for a new read when a familiar figure approached her. She looked up to see Walsh, a library regular who she had seen around school. They hadn’t had a proper conversation yet but often smiled and nodded at each other when they passed.  He approached her now, trying to look confident… and not doing very well.

“Hey” he said nervously .

“Hey” she replied, smiling at his obvious discomfort.

“I’m... I’m Walsh , Walsh Oswald ”

“Emma” she said simply by way of an introduction.

“Yeah, I know” he smiled, then saw Emma’s raised eyebrow. “That is- I mean to say \- I ,  err , I’ve seen you around, I guess” he stumbled over his correction, prompting a small smile from Emma at his awkwardness.

“Looking for anything in particular here, then?” Emma asked, moving her eyes back to the books beside her.

“Yeah, I am. And I think I just found it” 

Though Emma didn’t see it, his gaze never moved from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! At the minute we are ahead with our writing so there will be a chapter posted next Friday too! I'm hoping we can keep this up we really hate having long gaps between posts :/ Thanks for reading we really appreciate it :)  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	21. Waited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another filler chapter! Sorry if it's getting a bit monotonous but we are building up to something big that we've been hinted at a little, did you notice? Anyway, hope you enjoy guys and thanks for reading!  
> Dysphorite ^_^

They walked in the warm night air towards her house. Emma glanced over at her companion, walking beside her, his hand warm in hers. Walsh looked nervous, that was just the usual, especially tonight. Their first date. They had been to the cinema in town to see a prequel to The Wizard of Oz, _Oz the Great and Powerful_. Walsh had offered to walk her home and as it was such a nice night she agreed instead of texting her mom for a lift. The silence was comfortable, not awkward as she thought it might be. Walsh was brilliant. He was incredibly shy and nervous but once she got to know him she found he was confident, he just needed to open up a bit more. He liked all the same things as her, and he enjoyed quad biking which was unexpected. They mainly met up in the library, sometimes in the park they passed through on the way home. They were fast approaching home and Emma didn’t want the night to end. She squeezed his hand and stopped.

“Emma?” he said, “you okay?”

“I’m fine” she said, stepping closer to him. She took his hands and tugged him closer. She smiled as he blushed and looped her hands around his neck. Their faces drifted closer and her lips brushed his, gently, as light as the summer breeze around them. Walsh moved his hand to her lower back, pulling her closer.  She laughed but the sound was soon smothered by a kiss. A small, almost unnoticeable spark lit up. Walsh came out of his shell, his lips moving against hers and his hands slipping beneath her jacket. She sighed against his lips and pushed herself closer to him, sliding one hand into his hair and the other sliding down his chest. They broke off, breathing heavily and grinning.

“Goodnight Walsh” she said, grinning as she leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before turning away and walking to her front door. She turned back to wave and saw he was frozen in exactly the same place, grinning like an idiot. She laughed to herself and blew him a kiss before closing the door behind her.

*

Killian had been walking home from Graham’s house, about to turn down Emma’s street when he spotted them. Emma. Walking with a guy he had never seen before. He stopped where he was and watched as they walked down the street, hand in hand, towards Emma’s house. He watched as Emma stopped and pulled the guy close to her. He watched long enough to see them kiss before he backed away and turned, almost running to get away from the scene.

*

He stopped when he reached the beach, collapsing in the sand. He lay on the beach for a long time, contemplating what he had just seen. He had no right to be reacting this way, he knew that. But accepting it and seeing to were two very different things. Yes, he had accepted that Emma would never be his, that his feelings, his true feelings, the ones he had buried deep inside of himself and refused to admit, but seeing her with another guy, kissing another guy, coming to love another guy. It brought everything he had pushed down back to the surface, swelling emotions of hurt, pain, heartbreak and loneliness all raged in his chest, up through his body and into his eyes, he could feel them with every nerve of his body as the tears began to fall and his hands bunched up fists of sand in front of his. _Emma would never be his. Emma wouldn’t want to be his. Emma had someone else. He had someone else. Lily. Lily…_

No matter how he told himself, the emotions kept flowing, the tears kept streaming and the memories of her kept coming. How did they find themselves here? Had it really come to this?

_Pull yourself together._

Is it too late to go back and fix everything?

_Is it too late, for them?_

In losing Emma, and finding Lily, he had lost his way. He had lost the compass she had found him a long time ago and Lily was like a magnet throwing everything out of proportion, turning everything around, pulling them away, taking away the compass. And now, without it, Killian seemed to be making bad decision after bad decision. Was he always destined to take the wrong path? _Alone, without Emma, did he even have a chance?_

_*_

"Come on, Emma. It'll be fun!" Belle begged, trying to drag her friend in the direction of the student office.

"No, no, it won't" Emma pulled against Belle's arm, "no, it _really_ won't"

"Why not?" Belle slackened, disheartened.

"Because..." Emma tried to think of one solid reason to satisfy her friend, but in the end she just went with, "just- no"

"You only get one Prom, Emma! Don't miss out on this, and we really need your English skills on the committee"

"Why?" Emma whined.

"Because" Belle began, trying once again to drag Emma towards where the committee was meeting that lunch, seeing that she was wearing Emma down, "all we have is Tilly, who can't tell comic sans from, well, any other font, so she can't do the posters, or the tickets, or anything that involves a vague notion of writing skills and a sense of sophistication" Emma laughed at Belle's worries about Tilly's choice of fonts. "Don't laugh! This is serious. She seriously tried to make the posters comic sans!"

"Oh my God! _Seriously?_ " Emma mocked.

"Yes. _Seriously_ " Belle ignored Emma's sarcastic tone. "I need you, Emma. Please, please, _please_ " she drew out her last words to emphasise her point. Emma sighed.

"Ugh. _Fine_ " Emma acquiesced reluctantly.

"Yes! Thank you, thank you!" Belle pulled her friend into an excited hug, "I knew I could rely on you!"

"But, I'm bringing Walsh"

Belle sagged.

"Why?"

"Because, he has really good editing and design skills"

" _Sure_ " she rolled her eyes.

"I mean it!"

"And I'm sure you do"

At that, Belle finally managed to drag Emma in the direction of the student office, Emma texting. As she did.

*

 _*prom, huh?*_ Walsh texted back quickly.

 _*yeah Belle practically begged for my help so*_ Emma replied.

 _*and u just couldn’t say no*_ His words sounded cold but Emma could hear the smirk behind them.

_*well*_

_*want me to meet you?*_ He asked.

 _*sure*_ She replied.

_*u know Emma…*_

_*yeah?*_

_*if u wanted to go to prom with me u could’ve just asked ;)*_

_*what? I didn't mean that*_ Emma texted back with a frown.

 _*sure*_ She could feel the sarcasm in his reply, echoing Belle's own words just earlier.

_*really! Belle asked me to help on the committee that’s it and I wanted ur help*_

_*whatever babe ;)*_

Emma ignored the text.

*

Rupert paced back and forth across the floor, the floorboards of the small, empty classroom creaking under his feet.

"Dude, you're overthinking it" Leroy groaned, rolling his eyes.

"Am I?"  Rupert, better known as Rumple, ceased his pacing and turned to Leroy, questioning in eyes.

"Yeah, you shouldn't be thinking about it at all" he said, matter-of-factly.

"I don't follow" Rumple frowned.

"It's simple really. You don't go after Belle again, not after all the shit you put her through"

Rumple's heart sank and he slumped down into a chair, deflated.

"You don't think she'll take me back" he almost whispered.

"No, I _know_ she will. But she shouldn't"

Rumple sighed.

"Your right, I know she shouldn't take me back. I don't deserve her"

"No, you don't"

Leroy's blunt, harsh words hurt, but they were the truth and Rumple knew it. He hates himself for hurting Belle, again and again. He doesn't even know how it happened, the last thing he ever wanted was to hurt her, but each time it came around it's like he had no choice, like there was some darkness controlling him. Constantly searching for something more. But this time was different. He was determined, he was changed. Sometime after their last break up, something had, well he isn't exactly sure what happened but something changed. He felt... free somehow, of something. Like he was in control now, and there isn't anything he wants more than to become the man Belle deserves.

"I know I don't. But I can, and I will, for her. I need her, Leroy. I will not, I cannot hurt her anymore because each time I do it hurts me, it hurts me that I hurt her and I don't why I've managed to do it so many times. But I won't, I don't know how but I'm different now. I will become the man she deserves, I just need... a second chance"

"You've _had_ a second chance. And a third, and a fourth. You've had so many chances that she's given you. I've seen her heartbroken too many times because of you and I don't want to see her hurt again. What makes you think you deserve another chance?"

"Because..." Rumple struggled for the words, "because... I have hope and I'm not afraid to do anything to win her heart"

Leroy quietened, nodding to himself. After a while, he spoke-

"You have hope, good.  Because that's what's been your destruction many times over, not having hope, being scared. Lose the fear, Rupert and keep that hope because that's what Belle needs. She needs the man, not the beast you've been to her but the man. Prove that you are him"

"You truly think so?"

"I do. Now, go on and ask her to Prom before I change my mind and stop you. Don't forget to tell of what you've said to me to her" Leroy seemed to be resigned to it as Rumple made to leave.

He was just at the door when Leroy added-

"And, Rumple, if you hurt her again-"

But Rumple interrupted.

"If I hurt her again, you have my full permission"

At that, he left.

*

Killian stood, leaning against the fence in front of him, watching as Emma rode around the outdoor arena. He was waiting for Lily who was talking to her mum in the stables. He watched as Emma galloped past, lost in her world of riding. He smiled sadly as she circled the arena knowing he had lost a friend, a close friend. He dropped his head against the top of the fence, sighing and losing his eyes, trying to block out the world around him. After a minute he looked up, his eyes snapping back to Emma, catching her looking at him. She looked away quickly, patting her horse’s neck. He grinned and lifted a hand to wave, dropping it quickly, his smile fading.

“Killian?”

He turned around at Lily’s voice, forcing a smile.

“Hey” he said, stepping towards her, “what’s up?”

“I’m ready to go… unless you’re busy” she glanced behind him at Emma. He turned and saw Emma turn away. He turned back to Lily and sighed.

“No. Let’s go” he said, stepping towards her and taking her hand. They walked in silence for a minute before Lily spoke up.

“Will you ever get over her?”

“What?” he replied, stopping and frowning at her, “Emma?”

“Yes Emma” she said, dropping his hand and turning away.

“Why do you always assume I had a thing for her? She was just my friend, my best friend in fact. When will you just get over that?” he snapped at her.

She looked at him in shock for a second, before tears began spilling from her eyes. She turned and stormed away. Killian sighed before running after her, grabbing her arm.

“Lily I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you” he said, sighing and dropping her hand.

“I just wish you liked me more than her…”

“Lily… it’s not like that and you know it. I’m sorry I shouted. Can we just forget this?”

Lily sighed, moving forward and grabbing him in a hug.

“Okay” she said, looking up at him, a faint smile on her lips. He smiled back and leaned down, placing a kiss on her lips. She looped her arms around his neck and pulled herself closer, deepening the kiss. After a moment, Killian pulled back, smiling as he took her hand and pulled her along.

“Let’s go”

*

She wasn’t ready to lose him yet.

Lily looked over at Killian, walking besides her wearing that brooding half-smile that had graced his face so often of late. She wouldn’t let this ruin her chances. She had to finish what she started. She had to get her revenge. Emma had ruined her life and now it was her turn to get back at her. She needed this. She had spent most of her life wondering what had happened to the girl who had once been her best friend. And now she knew. She had a brilliant life, a great family, friends. All that Lily had lost the opportunity for when Emma took it from her. So now she was taking back. And who wouldn't done the same? If faking some tears every once and a while was the only way to keep him, then what could she do about it? It didn't hurt anybody, keeping her and Killian together that way, that is, except Emma. It hurt Emma, not matter how much Emma was trying to move on. Keeping Killian wrapped around her finger hurt Emma, so, what reason had she to stop?

*

"Belle" his voice was harsh, blunt, a result of his jolting stomach and strung nerves. He instantly regretted his words. Sounding so harsh and cruel, he was _already_ giving the wrong impression. He was half of a mind to turn back and give up already, right there, right then.

"Rupert?" Belle turned to him with a confused frown upon her face, "what are you doing here?" she asked.

Rumple's heart sank, hearing her call him by his Christian name. Had they really come so apart? But, even so, he continued, he couldn't and wouldn't give up, not now. He needs her, he loves her, and if he can even begin to deserve her, he needs to stop acting like a coward and running away from his fears.

"I came looking for you and I knew you be here" he cast a glance about the room they were in, the library office, of course.

"You came looking, for me?" she raised her eyebrows. "I thought I made my opinions very clear the last time we spoke, you remember that, right?" he did, and he almost winced at the memory of their last break up. "Rumple, I can't keep doing this. You know what I said, why would you come lookin-"

"Because, I love you" he interrupted, blurting out the words before the idea even formed in his mind, almost against his will. He couldn't believe he just blurted that out so stupidly, he had no idea how she would react. Would she walk away? Would she reject him? Would she throw the book at him? _No_ , Rumple thought to himself, almost laughing, she would never throw a book, they're much too precious to her.

But, she didn't throw any books, she didn't reject him, she didn't even walk away. She seemed almost stunned, definitely caught off-guard for she stumbled back slightly into the desk behind her, knocking over a few books put there.

"You- you love me?" she stammered in disbelief, "You- you've never-"

"Told you I love you?" he finished, "I know. I never told you that before. That I love you. Because, Belle, because I was afraid. I was, and still am, a coward. Afraid of the way he feels, afraid of loving and being loved. Afraid of commitment. Afraid of not being good enough.  But, Belle, I'm trying to change. I'm not going to be a coward anymore because that's not the man you deserve. My fear led me to hurt you time and time again and I can't begin to express to you how much that's hurt _me_. That I've hurt you, that I've caused you countless heartbreaks and pain, it almost kills me. I know you deserve better than me. I know you should never, never even think of taking me back" he was almost in tears now, his voice cracked as he spoke, "but- but, I have to hope that you will. I have to hope that you still see the man behind the fear, behind the coward, because I need you Belle, I love you, I have for a long time and I think I always will. I' not asking you to immediately fall back in love with me, to take me instantly back into your arms and instantly forget everything I've done to you. What I'm asking for is a chance. What I'm asking, Belle, is" he inhaled deeply, bracing himself for the words, "will you go to Prom with me?"

Rumple waited, and waited, and waited as she stood there, leaning slightly on the desk with an absent look on her face. A look, Rumple knew, came over her when she was lost in thought. It was the worst, waiting for what he knew would be a no. Dread built and built inside of him until his was a simmering ball of anxiety waiting for her to finally, finally speak. A look of clarity then swept across her face and her gaze became focused as she looked over at him, righting her footing. He swallowed his bubbling fear and braced himself for the answer he knew would come.

"I've waited so long for you. Waited time and time again to hear you say those words you were so afraid of, the ones I needed to here. I kept waiting and waiting to hear them as you hurt me time and time again. If you had come and spoken to me a couple weeks ago, I wouldn't have even given you a chance to speak. I have been resolved to never again let you back into my life. You've hurt me too many times, Rumple. I can't forget that. But, since then, I've seen and read what love looks like. I watched Emma and Killian move further and further apart even though everyone knows they love each other and they're both miserable. And I thought, aren't I the same? Am I not just running away for my pride, to protect myself? Am I doing the right thing, or am I just making myself miserable when I know that I have not and probably never will stop loving you? Have I just been making us both suffer? I've read so many heroic speeches and sacrifices, Rumple, but I'm no hero and neither are you. Both of us have made mistakes, you've hurt me, yes, over and over. And a couple weeks ago I could never had considered subjecting myself to that again. I thought, why should I? When I could find a new love, one that didn't hurt me like you did. But time wore on and my feelings didn't. I love you, I probably always will. So, for that reason, I am willing to give you one last chance to be the man I know you are. And, maybe that makes me weak, maybe that makes me stupid, but I'm not willing to let myself suffer when I know that I love you. I willing to start again, start over with you from the beginning. No more heart break, no more pain, only a fresh start and love. So, Rumple, I will go to Prom with you. I will go to Prom with the man that I know you are"

"Belle" he sobbed, moving to pull her closer to him. But when he reached out to clasp her shoulders, she moved back with a tut.

"And just what do you think you're doing? You know I don't kiss on the first date and, after all, we've only just started dating" she teased with a winning smirk that melted his heart. So, instead, he took her hand in his and squeezed slightly.

"As always, Belle, you're right"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another chapter posted on time! Feeling kinda proud of myself and Dysphorite right now. I must admit we have been writing 'filler' chapters recently. Kind of like "The Bear King" episode I guess. We are leading up to a big event so don't worry, there will be more drama soon! (Not sure if that's good or bad...) We just have to set everything up for it first so stick with us for now! As always feel free to comment any thoughts or opinions we love to hear from you :)  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	22. Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for a bit of excitement?   
> You didn't think we could keep up the no-angst for long, could you? Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter! We'll try and keep up the posting for as long as we can, though I can't promise we'll always be done by Friday (and you can blame me for that) but thank you for putting up with us! We're grateful to all of our wonderful readers (you)!  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Dysphorite \\(^_^)/

Lily sighed as she dropped yet another box onto the pile sitting outside of the stables. There was a big event coming up at The Enchanted Forest, a riding competition, open to anyone, and all sorts of other events and her mom had somehow dragged her into helping. So, here she was, dragging boxes to and fro at her mom’s will. They were organising some small taster sessions to try and interest more people into becoming regulars and putting on shows of fencing and archery, even a jousting tournament. There would also be a small fencing competition. One that Killian would be featuring in as the star pupil in his fencing class (which meant that Lily would have to, yet again, deal with him staring sickeningly at Emma because _of course_ she was the star riding pupil, not only competing but featuring in the riding show _and_ the joust). It was all very exciting. But, Lily had bigger thinks to worry about. She had started looking for her parents, her real parents. She had asked Regina but she wouldn’t tell her anything, said it was a closed adoption. So, she had started looking for herself. She hadn’t found much yet, but she had a plan. Mr Gold, Rupert’s dad who owned the second hand shop in town had a reputation for making deals concerning matters generally… _disclosed_ to the general public. Doing favours for people if they gave something in return. She planned to go to him, to ask him to look into her adoption for her. She couldn’t do much alone, being a minor, but with his help she could find out who her real parents were. She hadn’t told anyone, not Killian, not her friends, not her parents. She didn’t want anyone to stop her or try to talk her out of it. This was what she wanted, to know who she really was. She didn’t fit in with her family, she knew that. She wanted to find someone who would understand her, people who would love her. She wanted a family.

 

* * *

 

The Enchanted Forest was alive. People everywhere, talking, laughing, as they watch acrobats leap gracefully from horse to horse in the arena. Emma gazed around, a huge smile plastering her face as she observed the scene. Bright colours upon flying flags flapping in the winds up high as vividly dressed acrobats leaped and spun with ribbons of red, green and blue flying behind them. It was a great event, everything was going well so far. The Sun beamed down upon them, sitting proudly high in the clear, cloudless blue sky. A huge number of people turned up, Regina and Robin were bound to get a lot of business from the event. The riding show she was taking part in was coming up just after the acrobatics show (she hadn’t known until today that horseback acrobatics was surprisingly a thing). Rather interestingly, a jousting show. Yes, she was jousting. She wasn’t sure why they couldn’t have just put on a run-of-the-mill riding show, but apparently they were really selling this whole medieval thing so, yes, Emma was jousting and after that, the riding competition. That’s what she was really looking forward to. She had been briefed when she arrived and spent some time looking over the equipment, the lightweight lances they would be using, and the strong protective gear she would have to wear to protect her from the lance if it hit her. She had tried riding with the lance and found that it was easy enough after a bit of practice. It was heavy, but light enough for her to lift and ride with for the short run down the field. Emma was looking forward to the jousting. It would be fun to try something new and if it brought in more clients for The Enchanted Forest then even better.

 

Half an hour later and Emma was getting ready for another joust. She won her first two and was preparing for the third. She was just pulling her gloves back on when Merida approached her.

“Hey Merida” she said, smiling at her friend, “enjoying the tournament?”

“Oh yes. You’re doing well lass. I just came to wish you luck against your next contestant. You’re going to need it” she replied, grinning as she patted Emma’s shoulder.

“Why? Who am I against?” Emma said, turning to face her friend, realising she was also in protective gear.

“Me” Merida said, grinning as she walked away towards her horse. Emma laughed in return and turned back to her own horse. She pulled herself easily into the saddle and took her helmet from an attendant. She looked down the field and saw Merida doing the same atop Angus. With her helmet on she reached down and picked up the lance offered to her. Her heart began to beat heavily in her chest as she turned her horse to face Merida and lifted her hand briefly to wave at her friend. She nudged Snow into a walk across the field, as they met at the centre they both turned to look at each other. Through the gap in their eyepieces of their helmets, their eyes met. Emerald meeting narrowed azure eyes, playfully reckoning a challenge. Emma narrowed hers in return. The challenge was on. Once she turned Snow back to her end of the field, she turned, narrowed her eyes, readied her lance, then she spurred her horse on. The wind instantly swept beneath her hair, picking it up so it flew from beneath her helmet and she was quickly gaining speed down the field. The two horses thundered towards each other’s, hooves beating to the race of Emma’s heart, girls atop them holding their lances steady. They came closer, closer, no one was slowing down, backing out, each was gaining speed. Emma adjusted her lance determinedly, aiming for Merida’s shoulder. They were almost upon each other now and Emma leant forward in her saddle as the horses closed in. She leant forward, lance raised, ready for impact. Merida’s lance flew towards her. She didn’t have time to block it or dodge. It hit her in her stomach, snapping with the impact. Emma’s lance dropped from her limp hand as she doubled over in pain, clutching her stomach. Her horse slowed to a stop, an attendant taking the reins from her as she half-slipped, half-fell out of the saddle. The shock of the hit was fading but she winced as she landed on the sandy ground, her knees hitting the floor almost instantly. A first aider rushed to her side, slipping an arm around her and urging her towards the first aid tent. She helped her to gingerly lower herself onto a bed and helped them remove the protective clothing. The woman smiled kindly at her as she pressed her hand gently to the area. Emma flinched, wincing as the woman looked up at her in sympathy.

“I think you’re alright. I can’t feel any broken bones, it seems to be a bruise. It was a pretty hard hit you took there, it could have been worse” she said, just as Merida burst into the tent.

“Oh, Emma I’m so sorry! God I didn’t mean to hurt you” she said, rushing to her side in a flash of fiery locks streaming free from her hastily abandoned helmet and pulling Emma into a hug.

“Ooh, careful” Emma said, covering her bruised side with a hand.

“Oh, lord. Sorry lass” she backed away quickly, a worried expression on her face.

“Don’t worry about it Merida. It was an accident. I knew the risks of jousting, especially against you. Good hit by the way” she grinned at her, “I’ll be fine. I just need to take a break for a bit”

Merida opened her mouth, ready to reply but was stopped by a sudden commotion outside the tent.

“Please, I have to see her!” an insistent voice thundered from outside. Killian. Merida looked at Emma’s confused, oblivious frown and promptly stormed out of the tent.

 

* * *

 

Killian watched as Merida stormed towards him, heart hammering in his chest. He had been watching the jousting, taking a break from fencing, when Emma had taken a hit. He watched in horror as she almost fell from the horse’s back and instantly set off, running, pushing through crowds to get to her, thinking only of her, dread and worry flooding him. Since he had been standing on the opposite side to the first aid tent, it took him a good five minutes to push through the gossiping crowd. But now that he had finally pushed through the crowds, he found Emma guarded by her fiery friend. He watched as she stormed right up to him, grabbing his arm and pulling him forcefully away from the tent. He looked over his shoulder and saw for the briefest moment, Emma, through a gap in the tent. Though slightly winded and wincing gingerly as she moved, she looked okay, a little pale, but overall she seemed fine. He breathed a sigh of relief, dread abandoning him and turned back to Merida who finally released his arm from her vice-like grip. They were in the stables, just round the corner from the first aid tent, out of the way of the crowds and prying eyes.

“Merida…”

“Don’t even try, lad. Emma doesn’t need you barging in trying to be her friend. She has me and Belle for that now. I may not have been her friend for long but I can tell she’s not okay. And I suspect you are to blame for that, don’t need to be a genius to see that. You. And that bitch of a girlfriend”

“Hey!” Killian stuttered, “Lily’s…”

“Oh, don’t try and deny it. You know she hates Emma. I don’t know why but she seems set on hurting her. She’s using you to get to her. I don’t think anyone should be as dependant on someone as Emma is on you but that’s out of my control. She relied on you for a long time Killian and now you just desert her? And for what? A pretty girl who batted her eyelashes at you and has you wrapped around her finger?” she said, glaring at Killian.

“I don’t know about Emma being dependent on me” Killian began, spurred on by his anger. He faltered slightly. _Dependent? On… him?_ There was no way. “But if, in any way, she is, it’s just as much as I’m dependant on her. I’ve always depended on her. I never wanted to hurt her” he said, his eyes pleading her to understand.

“Well you’re not doing a very good job” she snapped back, “if you really want to protect her like I think you do, you should do something about it. Well, actually, you should have done something a long time ago”

“Just let me see her. I need to know she’s okay” he pleaded, desperate.

“She’s fine” she replied shortly, “I think it would be best if you stayed away from her for now”

She turned briskly away with a flick of her wild red mane and stormed away, leaving Killian hopeless, clueless and alone.

 

* * *

 

Killian stood at one end of the arena, sword in hand, completely agitated and entirely unfocused on what he should be focused on as he waited for the start of the tournament. Instead of committing his undivided attention to his fencing, he had spent most of his time since Emma’s accident looking for her every few minutes. And, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get near her, not with Merida constantly around her, and at the same time, neither could he take his mind off her. Luckily, he had avoided Lily most of the day, she seemed pretty busy helping Regina with organising various aspects of the event, which meant she wasn’t breathing down his neck between every tournament, badgering him about worrying about Emma. At least there was that. Mind still unrelentingly fixed on Emma, he had geared up a few minutes ago, ready for his first bout. He was facing David, who was almost pro, but novice enough for them to seem evenly matched, now that Killian was on sabre. That is, when Killian was properly focused, which he _wasn’t_. He was still worried about Emma. A few times he noticed her wince each time she inhaled deeply and clutch her side where the lance hit her and each time she did he felt his stomach clench and his jaw tense in worry. She was competing in a Jumping competition at the same time as his fencing tournament and from where he was he could see the arena she would be in shortly. He mentally shook himself. He just needed, _really_ needed, to concentrate on this long enough to get through the bout then he could make sure she was okay, somehow. He has to focus, there’s no way he can get through this match without his full attention, it wasn’t going to be easy. And he was especially nervous, seeing as it _is_ Emma’s _dad_ he’s fencing against. He glanced anxiously back to his opponent and noticed the umpire motioning to him to see if he was ready. He nodded, put his helmet on and stepped forward to the line in front of him, one arm behind his back, his sword held in front of him, he took a deep breath and focused.

Suddenly, David was upon him. No room for error. Killian leapt into action, swinging his sabre to meet his opponent, halting his advance with an advance of his own, pushing him back. It was like a dance, flashes of blades and clashes of sabres as one advanced and the other retreated and it seemed like someone was finally taking the lead, but then the tables would turn and the other would push back forcefully and the playing field was level again. Killian was sweating, breathing hard and across the way, so was David. There were no breaks, no shortcuts. Even though he was out of practice, David was still good, really good. This would be no easy bout to win, if he could win. Killian could spare no thought unfocused. It took every ounce of his will not to flash his gaze over to Emma every spare second, and still, sometimes he lost the battle to that urge and glanced over. Like he would lose if he didn’t. Killian clenched his jaw, mustering every ounce of his energy, will and focus into the bout, and pushed forward.

_Emma. Emma. Emma._

The mantra raced through his mind to the beat of his heart and the clashing of his swords as he advanced, leaving no lunge unparried, no side undefended. All that raced through his mind was Emma, getting back to Emma. The thoughts were spurring him on, fuelling his advances, driving him forward. He was closer, closer, he was winning. His breath came faster as their swords met once more, Killian’s face clenched in concentration and effort. The hateful Sun bore down onto his back, illuminating the silver glean of the sabres and highlighting the beads of head rolling down his forehead where long strands of black hair stuck. He was closer, closer, he was winning.

_Emma. Emma. Emma._

Close, he was so close. David’s strength was waning. He would soon leave a side unguarded. Almost, almost. An opening. Killian advanced.

A flash of movement out of the corner of his eye captured his full attention. His eyes moved involuntarily across the field as everything seemed to slow down. The scene before him seemed to be held in suspension by the hand of time. And what he saw… Emma. She was there, at the centre of his vision, riding across the arena. In slow motion, he watched, she released the reins for a second, a hand reaching for her side. Her face crumpled in pain. A gasp from the crowd. Killian’s heart stopped. He didn’t breathe. Then she gripped the reins again and sat high in the saddle. Killian sighed in relief, his eyes moving back to his opponent. Time leaped forward before Killian’s eyes, leaving him behind just to see David lunge lethally for him with a flourish of his long silver sabre, the gleaming blade flashed blindly, caught in the shining beams of the Sunlight, blinding him. The blade hit him hard, piercing his protective gear, reaching his bare skin and cutting deeply. Killian gasped at the pain exploding in his side as he felt the course fabric of his gear become sodden as blood began to seep through, rouge blossoming, a deadly flower of deep crimson staining the bright white of his gear. For the second time that day, time slowed. He thought he heard the crowd gasp. He thought he heard the whinny of a startled horse. But all he knew was the floor beneath him coming closer, closer. That the light flashing upon the blade that cut him must have blinded him. The light becoming brighter. Taking a step back, stumbling. He fell and as he hit the ground the world went black, the last thing in his mind, a golden halo above him and an absent name drifting away in the back of his thoughts.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well we are done with 'filler' chapters for now :) From now on things are getting interesting! Hope you liked this chapter as always feel free to leave a comment we love hearing from you :) Thanks so much for sticking with us we hope it was worth the wait for a bit of excitement!  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	23. Sneak Peek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY, THIS IS NOT A REAL CHAPTER.  
> Really sorry, guys! I've been really quite sick all week so I've been absolutely useless with any kind of work or writing, so you can totally blame me and hate me for making you wait! But, as an apology, I did write you guys a little sneak peek into what Chapter 23 is all about. There's that, at least. Even if it isn't a real chapter. Sorry, if my writing isn't quite up to standard, but I hope you enjoy.  
> Sorry and thanks for reading!  
> Dysphorite ^_^
> 
> P.S. If you're a bit confused after reading it, that's good. It's meant to be confusing, can you guess why? ;)

 

A golden halo above him...

_ Was that the Sun, shining in a harsh yellow blur from the window? _

_ Was it the light of heaven, telling him to move on? _

_ Or was it the light illuminating a golden halo around the gleaming blonde hair of the girl? _

The girl, she was sat at his bedside.

She held on of his hands in both of hers, with her forehead pressed upon their entwined fingers.

He felt a gentle nudge in the back of his mind.

The girl's hands squeezed his, too hard to be comforting.

No, it was desperate.

He couldn't see her face, for it was bent upon their hands, her face veiled by the long, soft strands of golden hair falling over her bent head and everything was still blurred. And there was a ringing in his ears.

His hand was damp, damp from what?

_ Is  she crying? _

He felt again that gentle nudge in his brain, it seemed to be leading his empty brain  towards something, almost like a compass.

Everything was gleaming white.

_ Was this heaven? _

_ Did I die? _

_ No, this was... a hospital room?  _

The gossamer-like  curtains billowed serenely carried like a ship by an unseen breeze drifting from an open window, the pale, translucency of them allowing the bright like to shine through. . And there was a long, silver, gleaming object stood to his left and what looked like a long, plastic snake hanging from it. A  painfully bright silver glow...

_ A flourish of his long silver sabre.... _

_ What? _

No, no blades. Just a long silver pole from which a drip hung. The sheets of his bed were white , clean and crisp, like the four walls of the small room he was in. A hospital? Surely. 

No one else was in the room.

_ Yes, yes. But, how? What happened? Who's sick? _

_ Is it... me? _

_ Me? I ? _

_ A golden  halo above him and an absent name drifting away in the back of his thoughts... _

Drifting... drifting like the peaceful fabric of the curtains in the breeze. And her.

She seems to be whispering something.

_ A name? _

_ A word? _

A three word phrase.

_ Who are you? _

_..._

_Now that is a good question..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mysterious huh? Sorry we don't have a full chapter for you today Dysphorite went and got ill and I didn't feel up to doing a whole chapter alone. We will post the full chapter next week and hopefully Dysphorite will be feeling better! We hope you liked this little sneak peek we didn't want to leave you without a chapter and we wanted to let you know the situation :) Well done for doing this Dysphorite I hope you feel better soon! :D  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	24. Remember Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is! Sorry its a week later but better late than never! Dysphorite is feeling better now and we have just broken up for Christmas we should get some good writing done :D Hope you like this chapter it adds a bit of a plot twist to the story which I know some of you have been hoping for :D Enjoy!  
> Shut_up_im_reading

**_One Week Later..._ **

_My name is Killian Jones_

He opened his front door, dropping his bag by the door and collapsing on the sofa. He’s been released from hospital. He’s still recovering. His wound had healed.

_How did I get it?_

He couldn’t remember the actual chain of events on the day he got it. He couldn’t remember anything from the last few weeks. He couldn’t remember anything full stop.

_My name is Killian Jones_

Stabbed in the fencing tournament, a complete accident that led him to hospital. He knew he spent a few days in there before he had been released.

_I went back to work at the docks. I slipped on the deck of a boat. I fell. Then darkness. Then a hospital room._

The fall opened up the wound, rendering him unconscious and back in hospital.

_This is what I know. This is what I’ve been told._

_A fall._

_Blood loss._

The doctor had told him that things might come back slowly, in pieces. Everything was fragmented, almost dream like. Triggered by people or places that might be linked to things that happened. To just remember the basic things, his name, how old his was, where he lived. All were difficult.

_All I know is what I’ve been told._

He looked around the room, trying to remember anything he could about this house that was his home. It felt so unfamiliar. He looked to the corner of the sofa. There was a blue cushion sat in the corner and looking at it jogged his memory slightly. The memory was fuzzy, he closed his eyes and leant back against the cushions.

_A girl was sat smiling at him from the other end of the sofa, holding the blue cushion in front of her as she laughed. They seemed to be talking, relaxed, laughing together. She leant forwards, covering her mouth with her hand as she laughed at something he said. Then she threw the cushion at him and as it hit his face everything went dark._

He opened his eyes, leaning forward, glancing at the cushion beside him. He didn’t know who the girl was but he knew she was special to him, that she meant a lot to him in some way, somehow.

_All I know is what I’ve been told._

Then the doorbell rang. He looked towards the door in confusion, standing slowing and walking towards the door.

_My name is Killian Jones._

He opened the door slowly, to see a girl outside. A girl with golden blonde hair. The girl. The one he just remembered.

_The fall._

_Blood loss._

“You” he breathed out.

“Killian?” she asked, reaching out and touching his arm, “Your work friends told me about your accident and... I just wanted to make sure you’re okay" she seemed, doubtful, not like the laughing girl in his memory, hesitant, "do you... remember me?”

“Yes, well… no. Not really. I just... remembered- you were here and…I thought... are we… dating?”

She flushed crimson and looked down, dropping her hand from his arm and taking a step back.

“No” she replied, quietly.

“Oh. My apologies. But, are we... friends, then?” he asked, searching for her eyes, smiling hopefully at her.

“We are- were best friends. But… well stuff happened. But, that doesn't mean- I would like it if we could be friends again” she said, looking up at him through her eyelashes. He smiled back at her and opened the door wider. The girl with the golden blonde hair walked in and settled herself of the sofa, taking the blue cushion and hugging it against her chest. The image was so familiar he took a step back with a sharp intake of breath as memories began crawling back, tugging at the edges of his vision.

_What I’ve been told…_

_Fall…_

_Blood loss…_

“Emma” he said, “you’re Emma. My best friend”

Emma looked at him then, her head snapping up, hair bouncing, beaming at him. She jumped up pulled him into a warm hug.

“You... remembered me?” she said, tone elated with joy, pulling back to look him in the eyes. He smiled back at her, meeting her shining emerald gaze.

_Fencing…_

_Horses…_

_Fall…_

“Yeah. Well. Not exactly. I don’t remember much" he stumbled over his words, struggling to explain. He felt a stab of panic deep in his gut when he saw that his clumsy words had dimmed the brilliant joy in her eyes. He jumped to explain himself, desperate to see that light return to her face, "but, I know that you’re Emma, and you’re my best friend, more than that, really. I know just how much you mean to me and that, somehow, I need to make something up to you. For whatever it is I did because, well I can’t really remember anything right now” he smiled sheepishly at her, scratching behind his ear. She smiled back at him and grabbed his hand.

“That’s okay, Killian. I understand” she turned and started towards the door, “apparently places and people can trigger your memories”

“So I’ve been told” he said, following her towards the door, “what of it?”

“I’m going to help you remember” she replied, grinning as she walked backwards towards the door, opening it and tugging Killian along beside her. He smiled in response following her out the door. If anyone was going to get his memories back he had a feeling it would be her. He couldn't explain it, exactly. Especially not with the current state of his memories. What he felt... it came from deep inside of him, like his soul recognised hers on a level that isn't tampered by the physical binds of reality. Somewhere where reality can't touch. It was a feeling of being... right. That everything was somehow going to be okay, as long as she led him by the hand. That he could never take the wrong path, if she was taking it with him. Like she was his compass. Always, always, leading him home.

*

Emma kept looking back at Killian as they walked towards the seafront. He seemed so unsure of everything, but he remembered her. He remembered that they were best friends. She didn’t want to spoil what they had. Whatever this was right now, nothing that happened before mattered. He needed her, needs her just like she needs him. He would remember the past week in time and then things would change. She didn’t want things to change, not yet, not now when he wanted to be friends again. Things used to be so simple, so easy. Why did it have to take memory loss to make it that way again?

Right now, she wanted it to just be them, just Emma and Killian. She wanted to forget all that had happened between them. She wanted to forget it all. She probably shouldn’t wish that when Killian had exactly that. She knew that and felt the pangs of guilt that accompanied those thoughts but still they came. She didn't like to admit it to herself, but being here with him now made it more undeniable than ever, that all this time it's been so hard, so difficult to figure out life without Killian. When she had finally told him enough, that she needed to focus on herself, she knew she was doing the right thing. Nothing would change that. Nothing could change all the things she went through that were, indirectly or not, his fault. But, for better or for worse, in losing him, her life had spun completely off track. She was thrown off kilter. Like, in losing him, she had lost the anchor keeping her grounded, safe, happy. And... without him, it was like being lost at sea and drowning. The sea constantly threatening to drag you under at any moment. If it wasn't for Belle and Merida and her family, she never could have done it. Walsh... he was another matter. But, being here with him now. It reminded her of all that she'd been missing. Gave her back that part of her heart that he would forever hold. Reminded her of what life was like when she still had an anchor.

*

They arrived at the docks a while later. Killian gazed across the long expanse of dull blue water trying to remember anything, anything at all.

“Does this seem familiar to you?” Emma asked, glancing up at him.

“Not really” he replied, furrowing his brow and glaring at the boats bobbing in the water before him.

_A fall._

_Blood loss_

“Is this where it happened?” he asked, looking at Emma to see her reaction.

“The fall? Yes. You work over there, at the boat hire place. You were working when you fell, slipped on some sea weed” she said, pointing to their right at the hire centre.

“Yeah, that’s what they told me” he sighed and turned away, staring at the building, trying to remember anything. After a few minutes of quiet, he sighed again in frustration and turned back to look at her.

“I can’t remember anything. Nothing” he said, “why won’t it come back to me?”

“Hey, it’s okay" she pulled one of his hands to her, forcing his eyes to follow. "Let’s try somewhere else”

She turned to go and as Killian turned to follow he remembered. It was only a glimpse, a flicker of a memory.

_A girl, a girl that’s not Emma. A kiss. Dark hair tickling his cheek._

The memory was fleeting, sudden. He blinked and it was gone. _Who was that girl?_ He wanted to ask Emma, but he didn’t want to ruin what they had right now. And he somehow felt... shame? Guilt? He pushed the feelings back, deep inside, from whence they first arose. He turned from the docks and followed Emma towards a nearby café.

*

The bell over the door sounded as they entered. Emma approached the counter and ordered two hot chocolates with cinnamon and cream. Killian stood awkwardly beside her, looking around the small café. It had a homely feel to it, comfy armchairs and sofas dotted amongst the chairs and tables. The café had a few people in, a couple nodded to him over coffee mugs and a couple of boys sat in the corner waved. He waved back nervously, looking away quickly and scanning the rest of the café. He spotted an area in the corner, an empty sofa and coffee table.

_The strumming of a guitar played in his memory. The hush of the café and the feel of the strings beneath his fingers._

He could play guitar? He had no memory of that, it didn’t seem familiar. He turned back to see Emma watching him, hot chocolates in hand, eyes glimmering. He smiled and followed as she walked to the empty sofa. She put the hot chocolates down and turned to look at him.

“Just wait here a second okay?” she said, walking back to the counter. She leaned over and spoke to the barista. He nodded and disappeared into the kitchen, returning a moment later with a case. He walked around the counter and handed it to Emma. She hugged him before returning to the sofa.

“Who was that?” he asked, doing a bad job of disguising the jealousy in his tone.

“That’s Billy. He works here. He was looking after this for you” she held the case out to him.

He took it, placing it on the table in front of him. He opened it to see an old acoustic guitar. The guitar in his memories.

“This is... mine?” he asked doubtfully, looking at Emma. She sat next to him sipping hot chocolate. She nodded gesturing for him to take it. He took it out, feeling the smooth wood beneath his fingers.

“Try it” she said, watching as he carefully held the guitar. It came to him naturally to hold it, to move his body so playing would be easy. Like it was natural, normal. Everything was there. But he didn’t remember how to play.

“I don’t remember” he said, looking at her, “I can’t remember anything”

“Just try” she said.

“Oi, Jones. You gonna play for us?” a voice called across the café. Killian looked over in alarm to see one of the boys who waved at him earlier, turned in his seat to call across the room.

“Not today Eric” Emma called out, “just practising”

Eric smiled at them, nodded and went back to his conversation. Killian smiled at Emma thankful she helped him out. He looked down at the guitar and strummed it gently, feeling the vibrations of the strings under his fingers. He tried to remember something, anything when Emma reached over and took his fingers, moving them over the strings. His whole body stopped. His heart thudded. He felt her breath close to him. He looked up to see her face just inches from his, looking down at the strings whilst he gazed up into her face. She was even more beautiful up close. She looked up, face tinted pink.

“Try that” she said, moving back and picking up her hot chocolate. He looked back down at the guitar, strumming it again. This time he felt something. Some recognition. He looked up at Emma and she grinned over her mug, nodding at him to carry on. He brushed the strings again, his fingers becoming more relaxed with each movement. The fingers on his left hand moved and the sound changed, before he knew it he was laying basic chords. Emma watched, grinning as the music came back to him, note by note. The music seemed to come to him naturally once he started playing. The tune seemed so familiar and lyrics floated in the front of his mind, taunting him. He stopped playing after a few minutes, looking up at Emma and returning her smile.

“That was one we wrote together” she said, referring to the tune he just played, “I wrote the words, you wrote the music. We did that a lot… back then” she trailed off, dropping her eyes to the floor.

Killian reached over and took her hand in his.

“Thank you Emma” he said, “Thank you for helping me. I know you don’t have to but you did. It’s starting to come back to me, the memories. Bit by bit, piece by piece, I’m remembering. All because of you”

“Of course I helped you Killian. We were… we are best friends. I want to help you remember. You’ve always been here for me when I need you and now it’s my turn to help you” she replied, leaning forward and hugging him carefully over the guitar.

_Emma was sat on the sofa, sipping hot chocolate as she watched him. The sound of his guitar filled the café and he turned to see people watching, nodding their heads and tapping their feet to the beat of the music. He smiled, turning back to Emma. The lyrics flowed easily from his mouth, the song so familiar to him. He watched as Emma joined in, singing quietly to him as if there was nobody but them there. He grinning, singing directly to Emma now, his smile widening as she blushed and looked away._

_Emma was sat on his bed, writing in a notebook as he strummed his guitar. She looked up and nodded, pointing out a chord she liked. The memory was muted, the music and words lost in his memory. Emma shuffled across the bed to him, taking the guitar from him and showed him a chord. He nodded, laughing and teasing her on her playing. She put the guitar to the side, pushing him. He tumbled backwards, almost over the edge. Emma jumped on top of him, tickling his neck. He could hear her laughter now, the memory became more vibrant. He squirmed underneath her trying to throw her off. She laughed and continued tickling him until he wiggled too much and they both tumbled onto the floor, pages of lyrics landing around them. They were both laughing now, lying on his bedroom floor, surrounded by songs they had written together. He was so happy in this moment. Was every moment with Emma like this?_

_Running. He was running, chasing Emma. He called out, reaching for her but she was too far away. He held a piece of paper in his hand. Emma was never good at talking, explaining what she was feeling. She preferred to write it down. In his hand he held her note. Lyrics to a song, about them, their friendship. And a few lines of writing. Her goodbye note._

"I’m sorry Killian. I have to leave. He hurt me too much. I can’t open myself up like this again"

_Running. To her. To find her. That bastard left her. And now he was the one picking up the pieces. He would always pick up the pieces._

“I remember it Emma. I remember writing with you, singing with you” he said, pulling back and smiling at her. She smiled back. He didn’t mention the last memory. He didn’t want to ruin what they had today.

“See” she said, “I told you so. Taking you places that mean something to you helps”

He reaches over and hugs her again, missing the moment her smile falters for a second.

*

She wanted him to remember, she really did. But some things she wished he didn’t remember. She saw the pain that flashed through his eyes as memories returned to him. She didn’t know what he was remembering but she assumed it was something painful, something she did to hurt him. She hurt him far too much but she didn’t want to ruin this. This was the past, their friendship before things went bad… before Lily.

She delayed taking him to the tree for as long as she could, it was their place, they spent so much time there together. Some of the best times of her life were spent upon the limbs of that old, familiar tree. She was worried of what he would remember if they went there. For now, he was just content to walk around the town visiting fairly unimportant places and the unfamiliar, familiar streets of Storybrooke. It was what he was remembering, what he would remember, that worried her. The memories that came back seemed so… sporadic, random, and he’d only told her little of what he’d remembered. The tree could, would bring back so many good memories. It was the bad ones, the ones more recent that brought those feelings of dread. Dread and fear.

*

Killian approached the tree slowly, watching as Emma walked up to it and easily began climbing the branches. She found a perch and looked down at him.

“Come on!” she called, “you’ve been doing this since you were a kid”

He grinned back and reached for the first branch. After that he found he knew exactly how to climb the tree, where to put his feet and which branches would be best to pull himself up to where Emma sat. She watched him carefully as he sat on the branch next to her.

“See” she said, smiling at him from her perch, “that’s muscle memory right there. Remember anything yet?”

He looked over, about to answer when a wave of memories hit him.

_He was chasing Emma, following her through the trees. He lost sight of her suddenly so he stopped, looking around him, trying to find her when he felt something hit his head. He looked down to see a pinecone land at his feet. He looked up, scouring the branches above his head as he tried to spot Emma. A flash of blonde hair gave her away as she turned her head. He approached the tree quietly, then rushed up the braches to the top where she sat. She turned when she heard him coming, watching as he hastily climbed the tree._

_“Gotcha!” he shouted, tagging her leg and dropping from the branches quickly, landing softly on the forest floor and setting off at a run._

 

_He was sat in the tree, alone this time, holding a small folded up piece of paper. He placed it into a small hole in the side of the tree and clambered back down, tying a piece of ribbon to a lower branch before he turned and left._

 

 

_He stood, with his back against the tree, a snowball held in his hand. He glanced around the tree, pulling back just as a white missile few past him._

_“Missed me!” he called out, laughing as he heard Emma curse. Then he leapt from behind the tree, running towards her before she could make more missiles. She shrieked, turning to run. She wasn’t fast enough. He dived, tackling her to the ground. They landed and Emma instantly rolled herself on top of him, grabbing a handful of snow above him._

_“Surrender” she said, moving her hand so a sprinkle of snow fell on his face._

_“I surrender!” he replied, shaking the snow off his nose. Emma dropped onto the snowy ground beside him, laying down and laying her head on his chest. He smiled, watching as snowflakes settle in her hair. They lay for a few minutes, a thin layer of snow covering them when suddenly Killian grabbed a handful and sprinkled it on Emma’s face. She gasped at the cold, rolling away from him and grabbing a handful of snow, compacting it quickly and throwing it at him. It hit him square in the face. He grinned, shaking snow of his face and clothes. And so the battle continued._

 

He blinked as the memories flashed past his eyes, a blur of his childhood, his friendship with Emma. He looked over to her to see she was watching him.

“You okay there, Killian?” she asked, reaching out and touching his arm.

“I’m… I’m fine. I just remembered something that’s all. A few memories of us playing here as kids” he smiled at her, “tell me about it”

“What?” she asked, confused.

“Us. Tell me about my childhood, our friendship. I want to remember”

So she told him.

*

They sat for over an hour in the tree, Emma telling Killian tales of their childhood, the things they got up to when they were young. Killian sat the whole time, watching her as she spoke, only interrupting to question her on different aspects of each story. Eventually it began to grow dark, so Killian suggested they go home, continue their conversation inside. They clambered down the tree together, pushing and shoving, though Emma was light in her touches, afraid to push too hard, to hurt him again. He could tell, but he didn’t say anything. Killian reached the bottom of the tree and turned back to watch Emma.

“Catch me” she called to him suddenly, releasing her hold on the branches and dropping the last few feet. Killian reached his arms out quickly, catching her before she hit the floor though he didn't quite steady himself in time so, in a blink of an eye, they were somehow in a sprawl on the bed of leaves. She laughed as he helped her to stand, reaching for his jacket to pull herself up. Her weight overbalanced him and he tumbled backwards, landing again on the soft leaves that coated the forest floor. Emma landed on top of him a second later. He smiled up at her laughing on top of him. She moved to sit up when he reached out and grabbed her arm as if by instinct. His heart beat rapidly in his chest and he felt his cheeks redden. He slid an arm around her back and pulled her closer.

“Emma” he breathed out quietly, leaning forward towards her. Emma was silent, watching him as their lips moved closer. Suddenly she moved, pulling back and sitting up.

“I can’t do this Killian”

“Emma? Why not? I thought…”

“You thought what?”

“I don’t know. I thought we had something. What I feel for you Emma… it’s deeper than friendship. I know I don’t remember everything but at the moment, that’s okay. I just want you”

She was quiet for a second, processing what he said. He watched the conflict in her eyes, as though she wanted it, but something was holding her back. She grabbed his hand, pulling him to his feet, turning away and running a hand through her hair. Then she looked back at him and whatever was holding her back seemed to vanish. She covered the small distance between them and kissed him, the force of it pushing his back against the tree. He was frozen in shock for a millisecond before he responded, sliding a hand into her hair, tugging her head closer. This was everything he wanted. Even with amnesia he could tell there was something between the two of them, something more than just friendship. He knew from the beginning. It was there all along and he knew it, his soul knew it, knew her, knew this. This was what was right, meant to be. Her hand slipped beneath his jacket, trailing up his spine. He gripped her arms, turning her and pinning her against the tree. She sighed, moving her lips to his jaw, trailing kisses across his cheeks and down his neck. His breathing was heavy and after a second he took her face in his hands and brought her lips back to his. He didn’t know what it was that was holding them apart but whatever it was, it wasn’t important. If it was important enough to keep Emma from him he should have remembered by now. Remembered…

Suddenly he was hit by a flood of memories. He was overwhelmed by them. This wasn't like the hesitant trickle of crawling memories that had accompanied him for that past few days. This was a full blown storm, a maelstrom of memories. He pulled away from Emma, breathing hard as his knees buckled and he hit the ground. He could hear her voice, muted over the rush in his head, calling out to him.

_Emma. Blonde hair flying as she ran. Guitar, songs, the lyrics faded and quiet. Emma laughing, smiling as they walked. Happiness. Emma sat beside him in school. Emma sat in front of his, talking as he plaits her hair. Emma laughing in the café. A guitar in his hands, Emma watching him as he played. Emma passing him lyrics, helping him write. Bright. Blonde. Happy. Then dark, so dark. Emma ignoring him. The kiss. The party. Seeing Emma across the room. Lily._

He remembered her.

_Her dark hair, the kiss at the docks. A flash of blonde out of the corner of his eyes. Weeks pass. Lily. Lily. Only Lily. Emma. Where did it go so wrong between them? Worse, things getting worse. Missing Emma. Sat at the beach night after night._

The memories came quicker now.

_Emma, walking to her door with someone else. Running. Lily. Emma. The beach at the dead of night. Lily. The tournament. The wound. The silver gleam as the sword came towards him. Pain. Darkness. Emma? Lily. Bright lights of a hospital room. Emma crying. Lily._

God. He remembered everything. His eyes shot open to see Emma, tears running down her face as she watched him.

“Killian? Killian are you okay?” she said, her voice cracking as the tears rolled down her face.

“Emma… I”

“What? What is it Killian? Is it your wound?”

“I remember" he panted.

Emma froze.

"Everything, Emma. I remember…”

She gasped sharply, stumbling backwards away from him. He stood quickly, his head spinning.

“Emma? Emma, wait” he said, reaching out to her.

She turned sharply on her heel and she was running. Running. The girl with the golden blond hair flying behind her, running. Running away from him. Again. He stood helplessly watching as she stumbled through the forest away from him. His head was still spinning, the memories fresh in his mind.

“I love you too, Emma Swan” he whispered after her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Sorry I've was kind of absent this chapter, but I am feeling much better! MASSIVE, MASSIVE thanks and props to Shut_up_im_reading for doing an AMAZING chapter whilst I was dying. Seriously, she did 99.9% and I mostly edited and betaed so thank her for this chapter! Like she said, we're on Christmas holiday now so we should get some writing done admist the festivities! Hope you're having a wonderful Christmas time (or if you don't celebrate Christmas then any other holiday!)  
> Thank you for reading!   
> Dysphorite ^_^


	25. Home for Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Christmas! God when did that happen? We thought its only right to give you a bonus chapter as your present from us :D Hope you enjoy it and look forward to the next chapter tomorrow!  
> Shut_up_im_reading

Killian lay in bed, thinking. He'd been doing it more now he had is memories back. He had taken for granted all the little things, all the happy moments in his life. Now he knew what it was like to forget it all he was determined to never forget again. One particular memory struck a chord with him. Christmas day three years ago. He had been going through a rough patch with his family so he spent the Christmas holidays at Emma's.   
   
Christmas. A few years ago.  

 _He awoke Christmas morning as usual. He felt no different to any other day. For a second the feeling of dread overwhelms him, the thought of having to face his mother again sends a shiver through him. But it’s quickly washed away as he opens his eyes to see the pale blue walls of the spare room. He's at Emma's. The mere thought of her calms him and a smile creeps onto his face as he realises what day it is. He never has much to get excited about on Christmas but here, with Emma and her wonderful family, he knows he can relax, enjoy himself amongst friends. Throwing the duvet off he moves to get up when the door opens and Emma rushes in, leaping on the bed and bouncing up and down._    
_"It’s Christmas day Killian! Get up!" She yells, flopping down to lie next to him._    
_"Good morning to you too, Swan" he says, grinning and pulling her into a tight hug._    
_"Come on!" She said, pulling free of his embrace and running out the door. He follows her out the door, downstairs to the living room where the huge tree stood, sparkling with lights and red and gold decorations. There was a large pile of presents beneath it and lying beside the fireplace where two stockings. He stopped where he stood. Emma looked over to him and glanced at where the stockings lay._    
_"The second one is for you, Killian" she said quietly, getting up and putting her arms around his shoulders, "it’s Christmas and you're just as much part of this family as I am"_    
_"Really?" He asked, turning to look at her, "for me?"_    
_She nodded in response, squeezing him tightly before removing her arms and nudging him towards the stocking. He grinned in response and picked both stockings off the floor, handing Emma hers and sitting on the floor to begin opening them as her parents entered, her mother carrying a tray with hot drinks, which he suspected were hot chocolates, and cookies. As Mary Margaret set down the tray, David joined him and Emma at the fireplace and began stoking the fire until warmth flooded the room. Mary Margaret came and handed them all their drinks, then they all sat around the fire, drinks nursed gratefully in their hands, and began the Christmas day together, as a family._  

 _"So, what have you got there Killian?" Mary Margaret asked, sipping her cocoa._  

 _Killian remembered then the present held in his hand, the one that Emma handed to him out of his stocking which now sat in his lap. He looked up to eager gazes around him, Emma, who sat to his right, nodded him on. Killian set aside his drink and took the present in both hands. At first he was reluctant to tear the beautifully wrapped present with white and gold shining paper and red ribbons  but Emma nudged him gently, urging him to open it, and so he tore hesitantly into the paper until he held in his hands-_  

 _"A picture frame?" Killian asked, unsure, looking up at Emma._  

 _"Turn it around" Emma rolled her eyes._  

 _He looked back down at turned the object around and there, sat in his hands, was a framed picture of the two of them which depicted the two of them sat up high in the branches of their tree. Emma was laughing at something whilst Killian stared at her wondrously with a loving gaze. The Sun shone_ _slightly around them, illuminating the vivid green leaves and silhouetting them ever so slightly, though not enough to make them completely shadowed. The angle looked like it must have been taken from below, though it was a close up, which meant that Mary Margaret or David must have taken it when they weren't paying attention. Strange, he thought,_ _he  didn't_ _think anyone else knew about their tree._  

 _"Emma..." he murmured, staring down at the picture._  

 _"Do you like it?" she asked almost doubtfully._  

 _"Of- of course. I love it" he rose his head to look at her in the eyes so he saw the brilliant smile which overtook her face. He placed the picture frame carefully in front of him and shifted to pull her into a hug. "Thank you" he whispered into her ear and she hugged him tighter in reply. When they let go, Mary Margaret was smiling at them, she shared a look with David, who sat_ _beside_ _her holding her hand and Killian guessed that she had already known what it was before he opened it. "_ _Er_ _..." he stammered, "_ _who's_ _next?"_  

 _And so, the day continued until all of the presents in the stockings had been opened and their mugs drained of hot chocolate and Mary Margaret announced it was time for breakfast and then more presents. At every corner Killian was surprised with warmth and festivity such as he can't remember even knowing, at least not since Liam died. Soon, it was after dinner, a full turkey Christmas meal complete with Christmas crackers and stupid jokes and hats that Emma insisted they all wear. The sky outside had darkened and the warm glow of the fire illuminating the main room where the Christmas lights still shone above where bits and pieces of discarded wrapping paper still remained. Whilst Mary Margaret and David cleared up, Killian lead Emma to the tree which sat in the corner beside the fireplace, just next to the sliding glass doors which opened out onto the garden._  

 _"Wait, right there" he said with a gleeful smirk. "Move not an inch, Swan!"_  

 _"Okay, okay!" Emma laughed in return as Killian whizzed off, disappearing into the hallway. She heard him stomp up the stairs, taking two at a time. A couple of minutes later, she heard him rush back down the stairs and Emma couldn't help but think that if he were Santa, he would have been found out years ago. Making that much noise, any kid would have woken up to find him in the middle of the night!_  

 _Killian appeared before her again, holding something behind his back which Emma couldn't catch a look at. Though his face still wore that gleeful grin, there was doubt and worry in his eyes._  

 _"Okay, close your eyes" He told her softly. Emma closed her eyes. "And put out your hands" Emma fought the urge to raise an eyebrow but obliged and then something small and box-like was placed in her hands. She opened her eyes._  

 _"Merry Christmas" Killian whispered, his gaze unsure._  

 _"Killian, you didn't-"_  

 _"Open it" he ordered softly._  

 _Warmth filled her heart as she gently tore off the paper, revealing a small navy blue box. She looked up at him with a questioning gaze but he only nodded slightly for her to go on. She opened the box lid and inside sat the most exquisite necklace she had even seen. A beautiful, tiny Swan made of glittering silver with sparkling blue crystals for eyes. She picked it up delicately in her hand and felt_ _something on the back. She turned it around to see, engraved it the tiniest, almost unreadable print. 'Merry Christmas, Swan. Love, Killian'_  

 _"Killian..." she whispered._  

 _"Wait" he said, taking the necklace from her. He unclasped it silently and, seeing what he was doing, Emma turned. She felt him softly brush away her golden locks, felt his breath on her neck as he gently clasped the necklace around her neck. Emma turned around slowly._  

 _"It’s beautiful" she murmured softly, her eyes melting into his, glimmering like precious gemstones in the firelight._  

 _"Yeah_ _"  he_ _replied quietly, meeting her gaze "it is"_  

 _"How did you- I know you don't have a job Killian, how did you pay for this?"_  

 _"I got a job, without you knowing" he smiled wonderfully at her._  

 _"You didn’t have to-"_  

 _"I did" he affirmed, cutting her off._  

 _Their gazed were locked and they stared at each other. Warmth and joy filled Emma's chest as she turned the delicate pendant absently over in her hand. He was smiling at her with bliss and love in his face. She couldn't believe her had done this, and all without her knowing, without even having a clue of what he was up to._  

 _"Thank you, Killian" she whispered._  

 _It was as if the world around them had faded out of existence as the two stared at_ _eachother_ _. They could have stood there for hours without moving an inch, with the Christmas lights upon the tree behind them and the flickering firelight filling the dim room with a warm glow. But then Mary Margaret ran in with_ _child like_ _glee._  

 _"Look outside, it's snowing!" she squealed, running back out again._  

 _Yes, outside it was snowing. Soft, pure white snowflakes drifting down with ethereal grace, landing delicately on the ground and sticking until a white blanket began to cover the earth outside as inside, a blanket of warmth, love and Christmas enveloped the two figures stood beyond the window._  

He smiles at the memory. It’s one of his happiest memories and he hopes and prays he never forgets again. 

 _He was sat in the living room_ _late that night_ _by the tree, running his thumb along the frame._ _The picture depicted inside brought back the memory of the day it was taken, it was a little while after they had found the tree and christened it theirs and they were out with Emma's parents. They had ran off from them, to the tree, once they'd reached the forest but it seemed like they knew where they were the whole time, otherwise they wouldn’t have the picture. But Killian was glad of it. The picture was more than special to him. Emma looked beautiful, laughing like she was. He couldn't remember what was so funny, maybe it was something he had said... When she smiled like that, it seemed like the world smiled back and nothing sad could ever darken the day. Like he could never be lonely again._  

 _“Killian?”_  

 _He turned to see Emma stood in the doorway_ _. She smiled at him and tilted her head back, gesturing for him to come over. He gently placed the framed photo down and stood, walking slowly over to her._  

 _“What’s up?” he said as he approached her._  

 _“I just wanted to thank you… for the necklace. You didn’t have to do that for me” she looked down nervously._  

 _“He_ _y_ _,_ _it_ _'_ _s fine_ _. I wanted to. For you…” he trailed, gazing into her eyes. She stared right back at him, her nervous smile fading as the seconds passed. She glanced up suddenly and her smile_ _returned. He followed her gaze to the ceiling and spotted what she had seen. Mistletoe. He grinned as he looked back down at E_ _mma. Their gazes locked._  

 _“Mistletoe_ _,_ _eh?” he asked, raising an eyebrow._  

 _She grinned sheepishly and nodded once._ _He laughed and slipped an arm around her waist, tugging her closer. He doesn’t take his eyes off hers for a moment. Their faces drift closer and closer, until he can feel her breathe tickling_ _his_ _cheek_ _. He remembered how her eyes sparkled so close to his own, how different they looked this close. He remembered the exact instant_ _their lips meet, how everything melted away except her. The kiss is short, far too short for his liking. Emma pulls away, blushing madly with a huge smile covering her face. He is frozen where he stands, unsure of what to say. Then she speaks for him._  

 _“Merry Christmas_ _,_ _Killian” she says, turning and making her way upstairs. He watches as she glances back one last time, gives him a small wave and disappears into her room._  

_“Merry Christmas_ _,_ _Emma Swan” he breathes out, “and a happy new year”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Guys!! I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas time! (unless you don't celebrate Christmas, in which case I hope you're having a great holiday season and time off!) Hope you enjoyed the little present from us! I am officially better now so we should be back on track for now (until it's school time again, because mocks) As always, thank you for reading! I wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!  
> Dysphorite  
> ^_^


	26. Reaching You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas! I hope you've had a lovely day and you enjoyed the Christmas special! I am back into writing now and fully making up for the time I lost dying! Maybe I'm not quite up to scratch but I hope you guys enjoy it! As ever, thank you for reading!  
> Dysphorite ^_^

They say heartbreak is the worst pain that anyone can suffer. 

Heartbreak was something Emma knew well. If asked, she would have sworn that her heart has been broken a thousand times over. Emma knew heartbreak just as Emma knew pain. But the pain she felt when she saw Killian's lifeless form laid out upon the dusty ground that day tore the pain of heartbreak laced with the wrenching pain of grief anew in her body and all that she had known previous was broken and torn like the sewn up wounds inside of her once broken and broken again heart. 

She doesn't remember how she got to the hospital. She barely remembers her father rushing over to her the moment she slid off her horse, she remembers the awful pang of fear that pounded inside her chest once she saw the look of anguish on his face. If someone removed her helmet, she doesn't know who. She doesn't remember most of what her father told her. It was as if her brain had stopped functioning entirely after the grave mutter of his name and the words of pain and injury had paralysed her. It was as if she were trapped in her own mind and there was only him, only him there though each thought of him only brought the pain of a best friend, a lover, a soulmate fatally wounded hurtling her downwards. She remembers being herded away from his lifeless form stretched out upon a gurney, her hand being pulled away from where she clutched his. Questions. Questions. So many questions. They told her she was as close as he had to family right now. Something about calling the mother, calling the father. No answer. Questions. She remembers the time he fell from their tree. 

 _"Higher! Higher!"_  

 _"Are you human, Swan?" he shouted up to her, his voice the unmatured squeak of a boy only seven years old._  

 _She laughed down at his panting form some branches below where she nestled high in the great limbs of what would become their tree. The sunlight shining brightly behind her silhouetted her small form above him. How can she climb that high? He thought to himself, trying to_ _manoeuvre_ _himself up onto the next branch, is she part squirrel or something? No, he chuckled, some kind of fairy more likely. From where he was, with her slight, silhouetted body high in the tree above him, she had a sense of other-worldliness, she seemed ethereal, not belonging to this world._  

 _"What? Scared, Jones? Is this your first tree or something?" she teased, pulling herself higher._  

 _"No" he replied, preparing to haul himself onto the next branch, "just sensible"_  

 _"Sensible?" she mimicked, mocking him with a laugh, "Killian Jones, sens-"_  

 _Her voice was cut short by the audible snap of a branch. She whipped her head down to see what she feared most. Killian. Falling. The branch he had been holding onto had snapped, he plummeted downwards. She shouts. She heard rather than saw the moment his body hit the floor with a sickening thud, for she was already almost to the ground, moving swiftly and silently through the limbs of the tree. She doesn't know how she got down so fast. She doesn't even remember seeing the thick brown limbs of the tree beneath her hands. But now she is beside him._  

 _"Killian! Killian! Are you okay?! Please tell me you're okay!" she cries insensibly, tears running down her childish face._  

 _"Emma, Emma, shh" he soothes, innocently stroking her hair. She knelt beside him where he lay stretched out on the forest floor. "I'm okay, I think"_  

 _"Are you sure? Really?"_  

 _"Yes, Emma_ _” he_ _moved to sit up, "just a little-"_  

 _He yelped out in pain as he tried to prop himself up with his left hand._  

 _"Killy!" Emma yelled as Killian clutched his left hand to his chest like a wounded puppy._  

 _"It's my hand" he winced._  

 _"Let me see"  She took his hand with her shaking hands, inspecting it as best as a seven year old could whilst he watched her with wide eyes. "I think it's broken" she declared._  

 _"Really?" he asked innocently._  

 _"Yeah. Does it hurt?" she asked, gingerly feeling his hand._  

 _"It does, a lot" he winced. Seeing him in pain, in pain thanks to her stupid idea of climbing the tree, hurt her. Hurt her more than a child could describe, could explain. She wanted to tell him, she wanted him to know that she cared, that she was sorry, that she hated that he was in pain, but she didn't know how. She didn't know what she was feeling, not then, she didn't know how to get through to him. She just wanted him to feel better. All she knew was how her mother comforted her when she was hurt. All she knew was what she had been shown before. And so, she drew his hand delicately to her lips and placed a gentle kiss upon his hand as innocent as only two children so in love, and so ignorant and in bliss could achieve._  

 _He wore his cast for two weeks, and each time his eye caught that familiar scrawl of girlish writing etching out a get-well message upon his hand, though Emma didn't know it, he remembered the healing kiss she had bestowed upon he that day._  

"Emma, Emma. Miss Swan"  

She was called unwillingly back to reality into the grey eyes of the nurse who was asking her about Killian's medical history. 

"Yes?" she answered weakly. 

"Has he had any previous hospitalisations?" 

"He broke his hand when he was eight" 

"Right" she scribbled something on her board. "Anything else?" 

Emma shook her head. 

"Any allergies? Medical conditions?" 

Emma shook her head again. 

"Right. Well, thank you for your information. It really is strange that we can't get hold of any of his family" At any other time, Emma would have laughed. But right now, she feels as if she'll never be capable of laughter again. "It's just lucky for them that he has you then!" The nurse expected this to make Emma feel somewhat better, but right now, after everything that happened between her and Killian, it only made her feel worse. The nurse checked her pocket watch. "Well, he should be out of the ER now and into a private room. You should be able to see him. I assume that's what you want?" 

"Yes!" Emma almost shouted, emotions running over her voice. 

"I'll show you to his room" she said, leading Emma out of the room, some kind of office. "You've had enough trouble today without trying to find the room yourself" 

Emma doesn't notice the colour of the walls changing around. Doesn't see the walking doctors or nurses wheeling patients in wheelchairs. Doesn't hear the ding of the lift. All she can hear is her heartbeat loud in her ears. All she can think of is Killian. Worry. Fear. Dread. Pain. Grief. Heartbreak. It's all she knows. 

The nurse led her to a door with the number 815 on it. She doesn't open it. 

"I’ll leave you here. I suspect you'll want to do this alone" 

She smiles kindly, nods, and leaves soundlessly away and through the corridor. Emma is alone. 

She wishes that the nurse had opened the door and led her inside for she doesn't know if she has the strength to. She's too afraid of what's waiting for her on the other side. Suddenly, she taken back to weeks, months ago to the time she ran away. Or would have, if it's wasn't for Killian. To when she had locked herself inside that crumbling room and he was calling to her endlessly from the other side. He couldn't reach her. She wouldn't let him reach her. That's what she thought. Until he did. He reached her. He saved her. He brought her back. And now she was here. And now they were here. Look at where they had come. It was like they were endlessly pulling at the handle of the same door, each trying to get to the other on the other side. But all of their pulling only prevented them from getting any further. She was afraid. She was so afraid. 

But he didn't give up on her then. Even though she had given up on him, on everyone, on even herself. He never stopped trying to reach her.  

She isn't going to stop either. 

She opens the door. 

* 

The memories were all too fresh for Mal. Eighteen years had passed and they still haunted her, rising once more as she stared out onto the landscapes flashing before her eyes beyond the window of the moving train. It began when she discovered she was pregnant. She had been overjoyed, overwhelmed with happiness. She hadn’t thought that children would ever be an option, not with the life she was living. Everything was perfect. And then, _they_ came. Her husband brought them in one day and said they would help. They drugged her, said it would help with the pain. They convinced her that if she kept her child it would have a horrible life. They told her to give her up, she would be a bad mother. She worried about it endlessly, thinking she would harm her child, become abusive, and even risk her child’s happiness for her own sake. She agreed to give the child up. But when she was born… she couldn’t do it. She wanted so badly to keep her, her beautiful child. Nothing could take the precious child away from her. But they took her anyway. And then, the blackmail started. They took _her little girl,_ her precious, beautiful child and _used her_ as blackmail against her. She had to do what they said. She had to protect her daughter. And now… now she found out they didn’t even have her. They gave her away almost as soon as they took her. All she had done, everything, all that time, she should have been looking, searching for her daughter. She had wasted so much time thinking they had a hold on her when it was all a lie. But now that she knew, nothing could keep her away. The train steadily rattled beneath her, carrying her on into the fading night. Nothing could keep her away. Come hell or high water. 

* 

On the other side is a shining white room, a white that could only belong to a hospital, with a poster dotted here and there along with the occasional painting. A cool breeze picked up the light cotton curtains the veiled the open window looking out onto the night beyond. Emma had forgotten how many hours had passed since she left _The Enchanted Forest_ , but she remembered that it was still light when she did. But down the dark night encompassed the sky beyond the glass of the open window and the only light emanated from a small lamp that sat upon the table beside the bed which was veiled from Emma's view by a cornflower blue curtain. The breeze blew across her again, picking up the ends of her dishevelled hair and catching goose bumps on her bare skin as a chill moved through her body. She sucked in a shaky breath and took the steps that took her beyond the curtain and- 

"You" she muttered, astounded. "What are you doing here?" 

 _Lily._  

Lily, sat at the bedside of Killian. Lily, with her hair perfectly arranged and not one sign of tears in her eyes. Lily, sat properly on the chair beside him with a limp hold of Killian's pale hand. She didn't look sad or even worried. She looked at Emma like a bad smell just wafted across her nose and stood up with all the lofty gravitas of a queen. 

"What am _I_ doing here? _I'm_ his girlfriend, shouldn't I be the one asking _you_ that question?" she asked with her nose in the air. Lily thought what she was doing would upset Emma, especially after Emma was clearly already at her breaking point, but Lily was wrong. Not today. 

" _How dare you"_ Emma half whispered, her voice gravelly and sore from all the crying and then talking she'd done today. Her red, blood shot eyes narrowed at Lily. "You've known him for what, five minutes? What have you done to earn your place at his side? Nothing. _Nothing._ Where were you when the accident happened? Where were you when he needed you? You didn't even know enough to tell the doctors his birthdate, not less his blood type or any allergies. _Someone who cares would know!_ Look at yourself, you're not even the least upset are you?! _Killian could have died!_ He could still die! And here you are sat prim and proper at his bedside, not even giving a damn about him but caring more about the person who does care showing up! _How dare you_ take that place, you don't deserve it and you don't deserve him. _What are you doing here?!_ " 

"If you care show much, why did you tell him you can't be friends with him? Oh, don't think I don't know, Emma" Lily circled the bed where Killian lay unconscious like a predator stalking its prey until she came to the top of the bed" Killian tells me so much about you. He talks about you all the time" she stroked Killian's hair back with her hand the same way that a mother would "Emma this, Emma that. Anyone who didn't know better would think he's in love with you. Oh, but I know better. I know that's it _you_ who's in love with _him_. Not the other way around. How dare _I_ sit at his side? How dare you turn up here, she who hasn't spoken to him for weeks, maybe months? Whilst you've been off swanning about with those _friends_ of yours and that new _boyfriend_ , I've been the one caring for Killian. I've been there for him whilst you haven't, so who are you, _Emma Swan_ , to lecture me on not being there?" 

"I'm his- his _best friend_ " Emma stammered, finally feeling the weight of the long day and the toll of the storm of emotions welled up inside her. She was finally beginning to crack, to crumble. No human could withstand this kind of torment after the near death of the one they love. And yet, Emma stood, ready to protect Killian from the whole world, even his girlfriend. 

Lily scoffed. 

"Hardly" she then moved from Killian's side to circle Emma. "But, then again, I can hardly blame you. What kind of relationship do you ever have hope of finding after that horrid childhood of yours? Poor little Emma Swan whose first parents, not even second parents wanted. The sad little lonely girl who couldn't even keep the only friend she had, but betrayed her for a measly chance at happiness that wasn't even meant for her. But, who would want her? Certainly not Killian, don't forget Emma, he chose me. You're not wanted here" she practically skipped back to the chair and sat prettily upon it again. "Go" 

"No" 

"Excuse me?" 

"No, I'm not leaving. Nothing in this world could make me leave" 

"Nothing but Killian himself" 

Before Emma could reply, a soft sound shattered the heavy tension that hung in the room. A soft murmur resounding from the lips of Killian who writhed ever so slightly in his bed. Emma's heart leapt and suddenly it was like Lily wasn't in the room, like Lily never happened in the first place. All that mattered was that Killian was okay, alright, breathing and alive. 

"See, even he..." Lily began loftily, but then her voice trailed off uncertainly as Killian's undistinguishable groans became clearer and clearer. Emma stared, trying to work out his words with a small frown. 

 _Em- m_ _\- Emma_  

Lily leapt of her chair as if it had bitten her with a scowl of disbelief at Killian's unconscious form but his word only became clearer. 

 _Emma. Emma._  

Emma stood frozen, her emotions paralysed her. With relief, with joy, with confusion and disbelief. She cared nothing about Lily, about what she was doing. It didn't matter. She heard the whoosh of a skirt flapping, angry stomps storming and a door heavily slam and then they were alone. Emma practically collapsed into the chair grasping for Killian's hands. Her elbows rested upon the edge of the bed as she clutched Killian's hand in both of her own shaking ones, her head rested upon the entwined finger as she cried and cried and cried, her emotions finally breaking through her cool façade like a damn finally broken free from it restraints. Nothing mattered. Nothing else mattered. Killian only mattered. She needs him now, more than ever. The past few months, Lily, whatever was between them didn't matter at all as long as she needed him. She couldn't understand how Lily could be so calm, not if she cared even a bit.  

How could she be calm when she could have lost him? Killian could have died. The thought only fuelled Emma's tears.  

She's been so afraid. How could she live if he died? Knowing they hadn't spoken for weeks, leaving things how they were, without telling him, without telling him... 

Emma felt her consciousness begin to slip as sleep was pulling at her vision. She could see the sky outside had lightened and it was bright out, she didn't realise how long she must have been sat there. The Sun shone brightly through the gossamer-like curtains which billowed serenely carried like a ship by an unseen breeze drifting from the open window, the pale, translucency of them allowing the bright like to shine through brilliantly. 

 _Without telling him..._  

Emma squeezed Killian's limp hand in hers, nestling her forehead so that her hair fell forwards veiling her from the world. She knew only him in that moment, felt only him, thought of only him, of losing him and of- 

 _Without telling him..._  

"I love you, Killian"  

Her softly spoken words drifted in the light breeze, carrying them the short distance to whisper in the ears of the boy who awoke with amnesia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aren't we on a roll! Two chapters in two days! Hope you're all enjoying the holidays :D Massive thanks to Dysphorite for writing pretty much the entire chapter you've certainly made up for lost time! Merry Christmas to everyone we hope you enjoy this chapter!  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	27. Let Me In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everybody! Here's the next chapter to celebrate! I hope you guys enjoy the chapter and, as always, thank you for reading! Let 2016 be a great year (for captain swan pls, i don't think my heart can take anymore after 5a)  
> Dysphorite :))

Lily leant her back against the rough brick of the school gates, lazily scuffing her foot back and forth on the gravel beneath her. Puffing out a long sigh, she looked about again at the almost dispersed crowds. The bell had rung almost five minutes ago. Most of the students had gone inside by now with a few still milling about and some latecomers fast-walking in. No one minded Lily where she stood at the school gates, waiting. She knew he would come in late, just to avoid her, if he came in at all. But he wouldn't be able to avoid her that easily. She hadn't spied Emma either, now that she thought of it and she hadn't spoken to her friends that morning, they weren't outside and Lily didn't care much to see them. She wasn't in the mood. The courtyard was silent now, emptied off all but her and the sound of her foot scuffing along the gravel. Lily thought back on the last two weeks. 

It started with Killian's injury. Being his official girlfriend, she was told almost immediately. Her mother had coming rushing over and, of course, Lily hurried off to find him. When she got there the paramedics had just arrived asking for any relations and Lily had, of course, rushed over declaring herself his girlfriend. Then the questions started. His name, his parents, his birthdate, blood type, allergies. All questions, and answers? None. Lily knew nothing.  

That's when Emma arrived. Of course. 

Lily remembered how the paramedic's face lit up with relief as she ran over, frantic. How her face was tearstained. How she grasped at Killian's hand. She watched as she was brushed to the side as they carted Killian off in the ambulance, with Emma. The closest thing he had to family. They said. Close as a blood relative. They said. Their best hope. They said. 

Of course. 

So Lily was forced to wait. Forced to ask her mother for a lift to the hospital. Because, of course, she was going to the hospital. She was his girlfriend, it was her place. And she was concerned, worried, although she knew he would be fine. And, of course, Emma would be there. These past few weeks had been a awakening to Lily. A reminder. Reminding her just what she was doing, what her purpose was. She knew what she was doing, what she was out to get. Revenge. She'd come this far, she couldn't back out now. So she went to the hospital. Found her way to Killian's room. She sat by his bedside, looking at him, trying to feel something. Nothing. Just like she thought. From the beginning, she knew. They were moments, yes, that she thought there was something between them. But now it was clear there was nothing, there would never be anything. Killian was but a tool, a tool to her revenge. Maybe a part of her somewhere was regretful of that, but she cared not to find it. He was fine, of course, just like she knew he would be. _What now?_ She thought to herself. _What am I doing here? What am I_ meant _to do here?_ She tried to take his hand. _Do you feel anything for me? Or is there only her?_ Lily felt disdain. _Feelings, purposeless things, always getting in the way._  

Lily didn't care for _feelings._  

And them Emma showed up, of course. Lily had wondered when she would. She looked even worse than before. Dishevelled, tearstained and shocked. And Lily's anger was riled. She defended herself, that's all she did. Gave Emma what was coming for her, waltzing in all high and mighty, forgetting whose place it really was. She was his girlfriend. Then Killian just had to ruin everything with his muttering. _Of course_ he said _her_ name. She should have known. Emma had looked shocked and dazed which made her look even worse than she was. Her bloodshot eyes, rimmed crimson from crying, widened and her face looked practically emaciated. _Stupid girl. Of course he would say your name, stop acting so surprised. Don't you know he loves you?_  

 _Feelings._ Lily seethed, storming out of the room. _Always getting in the way._  

The sound of footsteps upon gravel shook Lily back to reality. She turned her head to see Killian, messenger back slung lazily over his shoulder, looking tired and done with life, walking into school. Lily sprung to her feet and ambushed him. 

"Killian" she said , straining a smile. 

"Lily... er...hi" he mumbled, scratching awkwardly behind his ear. 

"I'm so glad you're okay" she exclaimed, rushing up to him and putting her hands on his arms. He flinched away. Lily stepped back. _Oh no you don't. Not now._ "Is everything alright?" 

"Yes" he said bluntly, "I'm fine" he tried to push past her through the gates.  

Lily caught his arm. 

"Killian, talk to me. You know you can tell me anything, I'm your-" 

"Lily" he pulled his arm away from hers, turning his head to the side. "Not now. After all that's happened, I need some time to myself. Some time to think... _things_ over, think everything over" he began to walk away from her and to the school. 

He was pulling away from her.  

He was drifting. Lily couldn't have that. She couldn't have him thinking things over! If he thought things over, well, he– they might be over. He would realise what he was doing, where he should be. He would realise he never loved her at all. He would realise he should break up with her and go after Emma, like any non-stupid person would have done in the first place. _No._ She's come to far. Dug herself to deep for him just to ruin everything now. She was almost there, almost to her revenge. There was no backing out now. Lily squeezed her eyes shut and thought about everything that had ever made her cry. Tears stared leaking from her eyes. Perfect. She sniffed. Killian faltered in his steps. 

"Killian, _please._ You have no idea how hard the past weeks were for me. First your injury. I was so worried, I was so scared, you could have died Killian! And I couldn't do anything! I could only watch from the side lines. And then you forget me, you forgot everything" she had managed to work herself into a proper crying fit now, tears rolled down her face. "I wasn't from your past so I couldn't help you. They told me I had to stay away so I didn't confuse you, overwhelm you. It was so hard, Killian. To be alone when you didn't even know who I was. I watch as Emma took you everywhere, trying to bring back your memories. That should have been me! I was useless. Don't do this to me now, Killian" Lily's tone turning warning. 

Silence reined for the next few minutes. A breezed blew Lily's hair across her face as she stared at Killian, vision blurry from tears, hoping that it worked. Killian visibly sighed and moved towards her. 

"Lily" he sighed, tentatively and somewhat reluctantly taking her hand. "I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do this to you or make things harder on you. I didn't realise how hard the last few weeks must have been for you and I am truly regretful of that. I do want to make things up to you. But right now, I need to be alone. I need to do this alone" 

He squeezed her hand and walked away. 

Lily stood stunned in the courtyard.  

 _It didn't work._ For the first time, It didn't work. Lily's mind was spinning. Killian always came back to her, his guilt and good form always forced him back to her. That's what she relied upon. But, this time it didn’t. _Why?_ Lily watched him walk into the school. 

 _What happened in the last few weeks to change that?_  

 

* * *

 

Killian strode swiftly down the corridor from the English department, intent fixed on finding her. He had rushed out of maths as fast as he could, when the bell went he was already out of his seat and into the corridor, almost running to the room he knew was Emma's English room. He had stopped, panting outside the door. Leaning his back against the wall, he watched the students milling out. Shadowing himself behind a group of girls when Lily emerged, he waited, and waited. But no Emma emerged from the room, even though he saw Belle walk out. She was alone.  

_Where was she?_

Killian slumped back against the wall. 

_Is she avoiding me?_

She must be. He can't exactly blame her after what happened. Lord knows she must have been put through a lot whilst he had amnesia and before that. He'd made a right mess of things. Emma, and the Lily. He knows he has no right to her forgiveness or even understanding, but still he needs to see her, to talk to her, to understand what happened between them. And Lily... Lily was another problem. After losing and regaining his memory, he's had, well, a different outlook on things. Or, rather, he saw everything from a new perspective. Everything that happened between them and then with Emma came back at once, it was all fresh in his mind and he no longer saw from a biased, limited to the moment perspective. He saw everything, all of Lily's words and actions and then Emma's accusations, all brought together. He saw everything with a clear mind free of emotions or presumptions and when he did, Lily's actions became more suspicious and what Emma told him, well, made more sense. If what Emma had told him then was true, surely that would warrant what Lily had done? _But, even so, Emma's accusations were still somewhat far-fetched._ And, if they had been such close friends, how could Lily act in such a way? Do such things?  

_No, it can't be true... can it?_

Killian didn't know what was true and what wasn't at this point. He didn't know what to think. What he did know was that he needed Emma, needed to see her, talk to her. Then maybe he could make some sense of the world. He stormed with a brooding expression down the halls in the direction of the cafeteria. Eventually, he caught up with Belle. Merida was with her now and they were talking as they walked towards the double doors that led to the cafeteria. They would know where Emma was. He jogged to catch up to them and lightly touched Belle's arm to capture their notice. 

"Belle" he sighed as the two girls turned around to face him. 

"Killian" Belle said, surprised, "you're back. How are you feeling, I heard you were hurt pretty bad from Emma" 

"Never mind me, I'm fine. Though thank you for asking" he brushed the kind concern for him aside, "Emma's the one I want to ask you about, do you know where she is?" he looked at her with pleading eyes. 

"No" Merida interrupted, "And we wouldn't tell you if we-" 

"Merida" Belle interjected softly, quietening her friend with a light tap on the arm and then turning back to Killian with sympathy in her eyes. 

"She's not here today, Killian, she's off sick" 

Killian's body sagged, his eyes darkened. He knew Emma was avoiding him but he didn't think it went as far as skipping school. Skipping school wasn't Emma, she didn’t do that kind of thing, that was his job. If she was skipping school because of him, what happened between them was worse than he thought. She was more hurt than he had thought. He'd hurt her, again. This whole thing, everything he had done from the beginning was to avoid just that, hurting her. But now it seemed that's what he was destined to do no matter what. Is this always to be the way with them? Were they doomed to always hurt eachother? He missed her, and he knows she's missed him. This wasn't they way for them before, when they were best friends still. But if they couldn't be friends anymore, if all he was going to do was hurt her, what else could they be? And what could he do to change things? One thing he did know was that he couldn't stand hurting her anymore. But, if staying away, keeping him apart from her didn't stop him from hurting her, what would?  

 

* * *

 

The school day ended and Lily was no closer to Killian. So, when Ashley invited her to go to Grannies with her and Tilly and a couple others, naturally she said yes. It was a pleasant day, the sky was clear, a vivid blue and the Sun was shining as they walked towards the diner. She laughed with the rest though she was distracted, almost removed from the world. She felt almost as if someone was watching her, as if eyes were upon her and she felt, somehow, pulled somewhere else. Lily shook off the feeling and tried to bring her focus back to the present and re-enter the conversation. She smiled, laughing at the most recent joke. Despite what happened with Killian, she felt that today held something more, something almost like... hope. 

 

* * *

 

 There she was, her daughter. Mal sat on a bench in the park, watching as a group of girls walked along together, laughing and joking. _Lily_. She was just as beautiful as she always had been. Those few precious minutes came back to her as she looked at the girl before her. She almost made a move to approach the group but remembering Gold's words she stopped herself.  

 _Don’t approach her yet Miss Le Ficentia. I’ll find a way of letting you meet her, but not yet._   

So she watched, looking on as her daughter walked ever closer. She could hear snippets of their conversations, talking about school, boys, parties. She smiled to herself. Although she hadn’t been able to bring Lily up herself, she was glad her daughter was living a normal life. Worrying about normal things, not always on the run, hiding in the shadows from people who wanted to hurt her. Her smile faded. Maybe it would be better if she left Lily alone. Her life wasn’t exactly desirable. She still found herself looking over her shoulder every day, worrying they would have found her, worrying they might take Lily away again, before she even got a chance to meet her properly.  

The girls were very close now, about to walk past her bench. She looked up at her daughter and saw she was looking back. She tried to say everything she wanted in those few seconds all that she wanted to say in the 18 years she lost. Lily looked at her with curiosity, before looking away and rejoining the conversation with her friends.  

No, she has to see her, has to meet her. She's her daughter. Lily needs her as much as Malika needs Lily. There are things only a mother can teach, a mother can tell. And seeing her like this, happy, laughing, beautiful, gave her something she hadn't felt in a long time. Something everybody needed, something like hope. 

 

* * *

 

Emma sat, curled up in bed, pondering the last few days. After Killian’s memory came back she had been trying to avoid him. He said he remembered everything. Everything… she didn’t know if that included what she said at the hospital, she's pretty sure he was asleep, but she couldn’t take chances. She didn’t want to get hurt again. What she said to Killian was a mistake. She doesn't know why she said it. 

 _Who are you kidding?_ _That's so far from the truth._ She scolded herself. And of course that was right. She meant what she said to him, now and forever. She couldn't quite bring herself to regret it, only regret that he might have heard it. Whatever was left of their friendship would be irrecoverable if he knew that, that she loved him. If he knew, it would change everything. Even more than things already had. Whatever was between them now, she knew avoiding him like this wouldn't make it any better or solve anything. Leaving things like she did, well it was a habit of hers that she by no means enjoyed, but it was a go to response and so much easier than figuring everything out. Which she inevitably had to do but... for now she could brood on it rather than actually doing anything.  

She was interrupted from her thoughts by the doorbell, echoing from downstairs. She sighed, throwing the covers off and plodding downstairs. She opened the door to see a huge bouquet of flowers. 

“Hello?” she said perplexed, trying to see around the flowers when Walsh's beaming appeared behind them. 

“Emma!” he said, thrusting the bouquet out to her, “how are you babe?” 

 _Babe? Seriously?_  

“I’m alright thanks” she said, turning and walking into the kitchen, placing the flowers down on the counter. Walsh follows, shutting the front door behind him and trailing behind her as she finds a vase for the flowers and places them on the coffee table in the living room. 

“I just came by to make sure you’re okay” he said, watching as she arranges the flowers.  

She turned to look at him, smiling in reassurance, which is when she notices the huge hamper he was carrying. 

"What is..." she starts but before she can finished she's pushed down onto the sofa and a huge blanket is over her. 

"It's a get well hamper! I'm here to take care of you!" Walsh beams, knelt before her with the open hamper beside him. 

"Walsh, I told you I'm-" before she can finish a thermometer is shoved in her mouth, cutting off her protests. 

"No arguing, just lie back, relax and let me take care of you" he fumbled in the hamper for God knows what as Emma rolls her eyes and pulls the thermometer out of her mouth. 

"Seriously Walsh, you don't need to do all of this" she tries to get up but he stops her. 

"Don't be silly, my baby's ill and I want to take care of her" 

Emma was starting to get annoyed with him now. Girlfriend or no, she was nobodies 'baby'. 

"It's not like that Walsh. I- I really just want to be alone" 

"But I brought everything you could need" he protests in a whine, "who would want to be alone when they're ill-" 

"PERIOD CRAMPS" she shouts, jumping up from the sofa before he could stop her and pretending to hold her stomach in pain. She began to push him towards the door, "I have period cramps okay? And they're _reaaally_ bad so I'd really much rather you'd left, though I appreciate your concern and you coming over here" she urges him out of the door and gives him a quick peck on the lips, "love you, see you at school" she closes the door and falls back onto it with a sigh of relief.  

 _Well_ , she sighs to herself as she makes her way back up the stairs, _there's something you never expected. Now, where was I? Oh yes, worrying about Killian, how could I forget?_ She thinks sardonically, collapsing in defeat onto her bed and hiding from her thoughts in the warmth and comfort of her duvet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year guys! Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and is enjoying the holidays! Just about got the chapter done today so hope you enjoy it! Thanks for reading and as usual feel free to leave a comment!  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	28. The One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter! If all goes to plan we should start going into our finale type plan thing but, that being said, mocks are coming up :P Meaning loads of revision and not so much time for writing :/ Though Shut_up_im_reading is pretty good at kicking me up the arse if I'm lagging or being lazy, so a big THANKS to her! Thanks for reading guys!  
> Dysphorite ^_^

"Emma. _Emma._ Emma!"

"What, yes? I was listening!" Emma's head snapped from the long, wall length window that looked out onto the street.

"No you weren't" Belle smiled, pushing dresses along the rail. She considered one then held the one in her hand out to Emma. "What do you think of this one?"

"Green?" Emma crinkled her nose in distaste.

"What's wrong with green?" Belle asked innocently.

"Nothing! Just.. _. olive green_?" Emma moved towards her and took the hem of the dress in her hands. "Look at it, it's _shiny_. You'll look like an avocado"

Belle made a disgusted noise. "You're right" she put the dress back on the rail quickly. Then, running her hand along the soft fabrics, her eyes lit up. Emma hadn't planned on coming prom dress shopping today, she thought it was a little soon but then Belle reminded her that Prom was less than a month away and if they didn't get dresses soon, all the good ones would be gone. So, here she was, dress shopping with Belle and it wasn't actually so bad. They had found some hilariously hideous dresses.

Belle's eyes sparkled as she thrust another dress in Emma's face.

"Look Emma! What do you think?" she beamed.

"It's very... yellow"

"I like yellow"

Emma considered it.

"Yellow is a difficult colour to pull off"

"I guess we'll have to try it and see. Come on, find a dress so we can try on together"

"Ugh" Emma groaned, "just pick one out for me, you know I'm hopeless at these things"

"Okay!" Belle jumped at the chance, hurrying off to find a dress. She loved doing things like this for her and honestly, she was very good at it. She knew exactly what suited Emma. Style, colour, everything, even though ninety percent of the words she used when she was picking the dresses Emma didn't understand. Chiffon, Empire line, Sweetheart neckline, all gibberish to Emma. "How about red?" she called.

"No" Emma sighed.

"I thought you liked wearing red?" Belle's head popped out from around a rainbow of dresses, looking at Emma inquisitively.

"I do. You're right but..." Emma trailed off.

"But what?"

"Walsh. He's insisting, _demanding_ that my dress matches his tie and _of course_ he already has his tie and it _couldn't_ be red because red _washes him out_ "

"Wow. No red then" she disappeared again behind a rail of dresses. "So, he asked you to prom then?"

"Kind of. He kind of just assumed we were going together because we're dating"

"You wanted to though, right?"

"Yeah..."

"You don't sound so sure of that"

"No, no" she protested, "I like Walsh, I do"

"I never asked if you liked him Emma"

Emma was silent.

"Emma?" Emma pretended not to hear, she didn't know what to say and she was hoping Belle would drop it. Then Belle rounded the corner with an almost white, ice blue dress in her arms. "How about this?"

"Alright" she sighed mostly with relief, taking the dress from Belle and then following her in the direction of the fitting room.

"Oh, and Emma?" Belle asked from behind the curtain of the changing room she was in.

"Yeah?" Emma called back from behind her own curtain.

"I won't press you about whatever's going on with Walsh right now"

"Thank you Belle" Emma sighed gratefully.

"Well I know something happened with Killian that's been worrying you and I'll know you'll come to me when you need to talk"

"Love you Belle" Emma smiled, feeling the warmth and comfort of a friend. She heard the curtain opposite hers open, telling her Belle had emerged, so she quickly zipped up her dress at the side and pulled back the curtain. " _Belle_ " she gasped seeing her standing there in the dress.

"What? Is it bad? Tell me it's not bad"

" _No_. You look, you look _amazing_. That dress is perfect"

"I think it's the one" Belle almost squealed with delight.

"Yeah, so do I"

_The one, eh?_

 

* * *

 

Lily shoved another dress to the side, sighing in frustration. They’d been shopping for prom dresses for hours now and she was starting to get tired. Tired and bored. She turned to see Ashley holding a pink dress up, twisting it this way and that before shaking her head and pushing it back on the rail. Lily turned back to her rail, pushing another dress aside. She’d spotted a few dresses she liked but none were perfect. Ashley was just as picky, she must have tried a hundred dresses, none where quite right. They were the wrong colour, too big, too small, not flattering enough, the wrong material. That girl seemed to be able to find fault with anything. Tink and Ruby found dresses about an hour ago and decided to head home, leaving Lily and Ashley to try yet another shop for the perfect dresses.

“I’ve got it!” Ashley rushed over, holding out a floor length, light blue ball gown, “this is it!”

“You said that the last time Ash” Lily replied, glancing briefly at the dress before turning back to the rail.

She slid another dress to the side and there it was. The perfect dress. Deep purple, so dark it was almost black. Knee length, strapless with a full skirt. She grabbed it, turning to Ashley and pushing her towards the changing rooms.

They exited the shop a short while later, both clutching bags holding their perfect dresses.

 

* * *

 

Lily left the coffee shop juggling three Styrofoam cups in her hands, nudging the door open with her elbow. Regina texted and asked if she would pick up some drinks for them from her favourite coffee shop on her way home. A rich Latte for Regina, a hot chocolate for Henry, and Lily got a plain, bitter coffee for herself. She didn't mind really but she wished she had someone to help her carry them, though, she supposed they had no way of knowing that the coffee shop would be out of drinks holders. She sighs as the door shut behind her she turns on her heel towards home. Without her knowledge, straight into another woman.

The woman gasped, stumbling backwards as the drinks tumble to the floor, watching in horror as the boiling liquid splashes all over the pavement and onto Lily's feet, exposed by the light ballet flats she was wearing.

“Oh my! I am so sorry” the woman exclaims, “I wasn’t looking where I was go…” she trailed off as she looked up at Lily, her wide blue eyes widening as her words with shock trailed off into silence.

“Really?” Lily sighed heavily, flicking drops of coffee off her fingers, winching at the heat. Not paying any real attention to the older woman in front of her.

“Oh- oh gosh, are you okay... dear?” the woman gushed though seeming a little hesitant, pulling out a tissue from her handbag, reaching forward towards Lily tentatively as if she expected Lily to bite or something.

“Thanks” she replied, taking the tissue and wiping coffee from her hands and tops of her feet, “I’m okay, it’s just a bit hot that’s all”

“I’m so sorry my dear, let me buy you drinks to replace the ones you lost” the woman gushed, holding the door for Lily.

They re-entered the coffee shop. At this point Lily finally gave a good look at the woman holding the door. She had greying blonde hair tied back in a loose bun to the side of her head, which was covered by an old fashioned grey had. The coat she wore matched, it was long with fashionable folds at the front where the buttons should be and a light grey colour over the top of a loose white top and beige trousers, finished with a pair of wedged boots that were splashed with a mixture of hot chocolate and coffee.

“Thank you, umm…” Lily said, realising she didn’t know this woman’s name.

“Malika. But everyone calls me Mal. the woman replied, seeming startled by the question, as she approached the counter, “A regular...” it was then she realised she didn’t know what drinks Lily had spilt. Luckily, Lily chimed in-

"One rich latte, one chocolate and a bitter coffee"

"To go, please" she smiled at the barista who then turned and began making the drinks.

“Well, thank you... _Mal_. You didn’t have to do that. I was buying for my mom, well adoptive mom. She asked me to get it” Lily stopped suddenly, cut off by her own thoughts.

This woman was a total stranger, why was she so open all of a sudden? Why did she suddenly feel like she knew her? How did she end up blabbering to this woman? Nobody usually got her to ramble on about more personal things like that, well, anybody she liked or cared about at least.

“Oh? Well, that’s... nice dear” Mal replied, looking away as though it pained her to hear. "If you don't mind me asking... do you get on well with her? Your... adoptive mother?" she asked slowly.

Lily dithered, looking around for what to say.

"We get on well enough"

"And do you ever wonder about her, your birth mother?"

Lily almost snapped at the blunt question; it cut deep. But she realised the woman meant well and tried to soften her sharp bitterness of the sore subject.

"Doesn't every adopted child?" she said quietly.

The woman's eyes were full of sympathy and she looked like wanted to reach out to Lily but stopped herself, brushing a stray hair back instead. Lily then continued-

"But, as far as it goes I haven't ended up so bad. I've been in worse places, with worse people. Regina cares something for me at least, enough to move us here"

"Well, that's good to hear" the woman seemed to say almost to herself. Lily stepped forward, intrigued.

"Why do you ask?"

Malika looked back at her with a pained expression and Lily was taken aback.

"Well, erm, I gave up my own child for adoption some years ago and I can never stop asking myself that. If my child is happy, safe, loved"

She had tears in her eyes now and drew a handkerchief from her handbag to dab at them. Lily's pulse quickened as a realisation dawned upon her.

This woman... could she be? No, surely not. And yet...

"Are you..?" Lily began, taking involuntary steps towards her, "could you be-"

"Order's ready" she was cut off by the barista handing her the drinks, this time in a holder that they now had, apparently. Lily turned quickly to grab the drinks, but with a flick of her ponytail she turned back and the woman was gone. Vanished without a trace with the money for the drinks left on the side.

_No, it's not possible. You scared the woman Lily. Stop being so stupid, getting caught up like that._

Lily shook her head and walked out of the shop. Casting a final, searching glance around the room, she left without a keen enough gaze to spot the woman who had a lifetime's worth of time spent hiding to rely upon, hiding from view, watching as her daughter walked, blissfully ignorant, down the street.

 

* * *

 

Emma opened the front door, stepping outside and locking the door behind her.

“Ready?” the voice came from behind her.

“Sure” she replied, turning to Walsh and nodding, “lets go”

Walsh walked next to her the whole way there, his arm around her waist. It made it hard for Emma to walk in a straight line. Every time she stumbled he tugged her closer. They were halfway there when he grabbed her hand all of a sudden and tugged her aside, pulling her into an alleyway. She didn’t have time to react before he pushed her against the wall and his lips were upon hers. She froze for a second, unsure of how to react. Walsh pulled away, looking at her in confusion.

“You okay Emma?” he asked.

She nodded.

“Yeah” she replied quietly.

Walsh barely waited for the word to leave her lips before he descended on her again. She reacted this time, reaching up and sliding her hands into his hair, tugging him closer. He moaned, pushing her against the wall with more force, his hands on her shoulders. She gasped at the impact and he seemed to take that to mean she was enjoying this. She wasn’t. Not really. She just didn’t want this to end. Hanging out with Walsh was fun but this. She wasn’t so sure. She felt his hand slide lower, down her back then under her jacket. She shivered as his hand met her skin, feeling his lips move to her neck. When his hand moved higher she froze. No. she couldn’t do this. She pushed Walsh away, leaning heavily against the wall behind her.

“Emma?” Walsh asked, moving back towards her.

“No” she said, holding a hand up between them, “I can’t do this”

“What?” he looked shocked, “Emma… what do you mean?”

She looked at his face, seeing the pain etched across it. As much as she didn’t want this, she also did. She couldn’t hurt yet another person because of her selfish decisions. She sighed and looked down.

“I mean I can’t do this here. Not like this, in an alleyway” she said, moving forward and taking his hand, “let’s go see that film”

 

* * *

 

Killian lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. The ceiling he and Emma so often stared at. He got a call from Lily earlier saying she had a dress for prom. She was going to give him a sample of the material tomorrow so he could get a tie that matched. He sighed. He didn’t want to go with Lily. He wanted to go with Emma. He always thought he would go with her. They promised each other that if they were both single they would go together. He always assumed he would be single or with her. He should speak to her. Knowing what she felt about him, what he hoped she still felt… telling Emma he loved her was a big step, especially for her. She got scared of things like this. She would run. He had to speak to her though. Even if he couldn’t tell her how he truly felt he had to explain. He loved her. It had taken him long enough to admit it to himself. Now he needed to act. He had to do _something._

 

* * *

 

The walk back was quiet. Walsh dragged her to the back of the cinema then spent the whole film trying to catch her attention. She pretended to be interested in the film but it was a dull war film. She spent most of the time pushing him away and shhing him when he complained. They reached her door and she turned to him.

“Thanks for tonight Walsh. I had a great time” she said, moving forward to hug him.

“Hey it’s cool. That’s what I’m for” he grinned, pulling back slightly, “I had a good time too”

She nodded, pulling away and turning to go inside when Walsh grabbed her hand and pulled her back.

“No goodnight kiss?” he asked, looking disappointed.

She sighed, leaning forward and kissing his cheek. Walsh sighed in frustration, tugging her closer and nudging his lips against hers. She kisses him gently, pulling away before it gets too serious, waving at him before turning and going inside.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Killian strolled down the hall towards his next lesson, hands in his coat pockets as he crosses to courtyard towards the English block. He shoves the door open with his elbow and moves into the corridor, weaving past the few people going the other way. He’s part way down the corridor when he spots a familiar sight. A blonde head stands out from the crowd. Emma. She’s heading towards him, alone, walking slowly and looking at the ground. He starts forward quicker now, intent on speaking to her. She told him she loves him. That had to mean something right? He has to speak to her but with every step towards her he becomes more nervous. He watches as she takes out her phone, smiling down at a text, tapping out a quick response before putting it back in her pocket. She looks up now and her smile fades. She stares at him for a second before she goes back to looking at the ground, trying to make herself invisible. He doesn’t know what to do. It all happens so quickly, then she’s gone and he’s missed another chance.

 

* * *

 

Killian. _Killian._ There he is, a few steps away, heading towards her. She tried so hard to avoid him after what happened. She told him she loved him for goodness sake. She felt so stupid, he obviously didn’t feel the same. If he did he would have approached her by now. Good form and all that. Obviously she couldn’t pull him away from Lily. She realised she was staring and glanced down at the floor, trying to watch him through her eyelashes, trying to become invisible to him. She didn’t need this right now. A reminder that he chose Lily. Even after all he did. He looked like he was about to say something but changed his mind as they came closer. She stares down at the floor as they pass, trying desperately to vanish, wishing she was anywhere but here. Then he’s gone and she lets out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding.

 

* * *

 

“Lily. I can’t be with you. I love Emma. I can’t keep pretending we have something, I can’t keep kidding myself that this is going to work” Killian said confidently, staring across the room, “I’m breaking up with you”

“What? That was crap bro, come on. You can’t tell your girlfriend you love someone else!” Graham replied, flopping back onto the bed, “you have to make her feel like it’s all you, nothing to do with her”

“I’m not saying, ‘it’s not you it’s me’, that’s so stupid” Killian said, sitting on the bed next to his friend.

“Well okay yeah, that is stupid. I dunno say something like… I have to focus on my studies. Then it’s your fault for being distracted, not her fault at all” Graham said, laying a hand across his face, making his voice muffled, “you’ll think of something”

He sighed and stood, pacing the room. He hadn’t spoken to Emma but he planned to. And before that he had to talk to Lily. He couldn’t keep doing this. He had to stop before he hurt both of them.

 

* * *

 

Emma slammed the door behind her, the sound echoing in the empty house. Her parents were out so she went to the living room and slumped on the sofa, covering her face with her hands. Seeing Killian today… she didn’t want to think about it. She sat on the sofa for a long while, thinking about… well everything. Killian, his memory loss, Walsh, Lily, prom. It was all getting too much.

The doorbell rang. She sighed and dragged herself to the door, opening it to see Walsh. She smiled at him, turning back to the living room, hearing him shut the door and follow. She turned around to look at him.

“I’m busy Walsh…” she started, when all of a sudden he is right in front of her, his face mere inches from hers. She barely has time to take a breath before his lips are on hers. The force pushes her back against the sofa and the two of them tumble down together. She knows this is wrong, she should let Walsh go before things get to serious but right now… she can’t think. It’s just her and Walsh and their lips, their bodies melting together as Walsh presses her into the soft cushions of the sofa. A distraction. That’s what he is. Right now she can’t think of Killian, she doesn’t want to. She likes Walsh and he likes her and it’s enough. She feels his hands slide beneath her top, trailing up and down her back, sending shivers up her spine. He moans against her mouth as she returns the favour, running her fingers along his back under his jacket. He pulls back for a second, slipping his jacket off and dropping it on the floor, reaching to the hem of his t-shirt next. She suddenly realised what he was doing and pulled away.

“Walsh no we can’t” she said, pulling back further, tugging her top down and folding her arms over her chest. Walsh stopped what he was doing and looked at her, frowning as he saw her reaction.

“Emma… I thought” he started, faltering for a second before he shuffled closer and took her hands in his, “its Killian isn’t it?”

“What?” she asked, confused.

“Emma I’m not stupid. I know you have feelings for him” she begins to interrupt but he holds a hand up to quieten her, “Emma please let me finish. I know how close you are to him, I mean you spent all that time with him, ignoring me. The last few days you’ve both been moping around not talking to each other" he drew in a deep breath and looked at her anxiously. "But Emma… I don’t know how else to say this"

"Say what Walsh?" Emma murmured in a worried tone.

"I think you’re the One”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! We'll be back with another chapter next week :D Thanks for reading! We would love to see comments and suggestions from you guys :)  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	29. Second Chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first off, sorry for posting late, I had a really important deadline and then myself and Dysphorite went to a party on Friday evening so yeah... Sorry :/ Next, sorry again because we are going to be taking a bit of a break from Distractions. We have mock exams coming up and the general stress is making it hard to write. So yet another sorry as we say goodbye for a while :(  
> Shut_up_im_reading

“I think you’re the one”

Emma was shocked into silence. The one. As in The One. She was speechless. Surely he couldn’t think that? They had only been dating a few short weeks, how could he think that?

“I know that’s kinda crazy but, Emma Swan you are amazing. I have never met anyone like you and I just find myself wanting to spend every waking moment with you. Is that too much to ask?”

_The one, eh?_

*

She hadn’t been to diner since then.

Months ago, but it was still fresh in her memory. The last and, she had thought then, final time she ended things with Rupert. She had sworn to herself so many times that she wouldn’t go back to him again. She had gone back on those words so many times too. That time was different. He’d lied to her, went behind her back and got involved in some dodgy deals and she was supposed to believe it was ‘all for the best’. His excuse was that he just wanted to give her everything. She had everything. All she wanted was him. All he wanted was everything.

She had been sat, right in the booth where she now waited for him, when she’d finally walked out on him. Enough was enough. She was done and they were over. No more pain. No more heartbreak.

That was a lie.

There was still pain. There was still heartbreak. Of course there was. She’d hadn’t broken up with him because she didn’t love him. Quite the opposite. She broke up with him because she loved him too much. And her heart, it turned out, was too precious to be in the hands of such a careless boy. She only needed him. She wasn’t enough.

She took her heart back. But it wasn’t the same.

It was broken. She fixed it.

It took time, a long time. But, slowly, it healed. And with it brought a newfound wisdom that came partly from one or two books she’d read in that time. And Emma. It pained her to watch her friend go through what she did silently, only being able to help when she came to her for it. Emma was very private, but Belle could see her pain written across her like an open book and Belle was an expert reader. But it was no use going to Emma, you had to wait, however it pained you, for Emma to come to you. And she did, from time to time, and Belle liked to think she helped. Her and Merida at least seemed to lift Emma’s spirit and guide her gently from time to time, though she can’t say she wholly agrees with Merida’s passionate anti-Killian arguments. But then, she guesses, Merida just didn’t understand. When you’re in love, truly in love, what matters isn’t petty arguments and old hurts, mistakes and misunderstandings. Love is layered. Love was what lies beneath words and actions, looks and gestures. Love is hope. And to deny yourself love, battle against love it to fight yourself. Fight a never ending battle inside of your head that you can never really win because you spend the entire time convincing yourself that you don’t need love, you don’t need love, when at the same time, deep down you know that’s all you need to make those thoughts evaporate.

“Now you’ve made your choice. And you’re going to regret it. Forever”

The words uttered on her very lips on that night months ago echoed back to her. She was angry, hurt, heartbroken and sick and tired of being so. She’d told him those words truthfully, she didn’t lie. And he did regret it. She could tell that. Though that played no part in her giving him one last chance. No, no one decided her fate but her. It wasn’t going to be easy, for either of them, to try and find where they belonged together, if they belonged together. Her decision came from what she knew, what she had learnt, what Merida didn’t understand.

Love is layered.

Love is hope.

And battling against love is useless.

She finally realised accepting him, accepting love, back into her life wasn’t weakness. Love is strength. She couldn’t go on suffering to deny herself the love she deserved. No, her life wasn’t bad without him in it. It was good. But it was... complacent. Unmoving, unchanging, the same. Every day the same. She was content. But it was missing something. Life. Vibrancy. Love. Love was a part of all happiness. Why do that to herself? Who do that to him? Her resolutions became clear as glass, clear as a new day filled with hope for something new, something better. There was suddenly no more doubt. No seconding guessing or overthinking.

 _No_ , she told herself. _Love isn’t weakness. Love is strength._

And if he couldn’t be strong, she could be.

She was strong enough for the both of them.

A bell chimed, the resounding chime echoing through the diner captured Belle’s attention from the past and back into the present. A door closed. The figure of a boy walked over to the booth. Belle straightened up in her seat, rearranging her dress and smiled up at him.

“Hi” she said.

“Hi” he smiled back awkwardly, looking obviously nervous, but Belle noticed that he’d even forgone his trademark rumpled clothes for tonight in favour of a smart black dress jacket with semi-casual jeans. That was a change.

Belle half toasted, half wished silently in her head-

_Here’s to second chances._

*

Emma stared back at Walsh, processing what he just said. She didn’t know how to react, she could barely think past those words. _I think you’re the one. The one._ This was some serious stuff. She didn’t think she would hear those words for a long time. She didn’t want to hear those words.

“Emma?” Walsh was looking at her in confusion, “I understand if this is… a bit much but I thought you would understand. I thought you felt it too, maybe not as strongly as I do but…”

“Walsh”

“…at least tell me you feel something…”

“Walsh”

“…for me like I do…”

“Walsh!”

He stopped, looking at her properly. His whole face seemed to sag, as though he knew what was coming.

“Walsh” Emma began, “I like you, of course I do. It’s just… I can’t do this. It’s too much right now. You and… Killian lost his memory and just… everything is getting too much, it’s all getting on top of me. Please. Can you just understand?”

“I get it. You like Killian. You’ve always liked him. I’m not stupid Emma, no matter what you think. I can tell. You see him and you just seem happier. Just, don’t talk to me again. If you’re not okay with this” he gestured between them, “then I’m not okay with you. Goodbye Emma”

Then he turned, grabbing his jacket and storming out the door.

*

She guessed it was over. She can’t say she’s all that surprised. She can’t say she’s all that disappointed either. What they had was… nice. But it wasn’t right, it wasn’t what it was supposed to be. It was forced. At least, it was for her. She doesn’t really know what’s going on in Walsh’s head. But he got way too serious for her, in a relationship that wasn’t much in the first place. It was nice. But the past few weeks were different. He got pushy and serious and too much. Still, she was upset. She would, in some way, miss what they had, even if it wasn’t much in comparison to what she knew it could be. If he was…

She decided to call Belle. It was late, surely her date would be over by now.

She picked up after three rings.

“Emma” she said, Emma could hear her smile. The date must have gone well. “How are you-”

“Walsh and I are over”

“What?” her tone changed to one of concern.

“Yeah”

“What happened?”

“Walsh. He- he came over and, well, he got really serious. Calling me _the one_ and everything and- well…” she struggled to explain.

“That was too much for you”

“Yeah” she sighed.

“Are you… okay?” she asked tentatively.

“I… think so” she mused, “I think it had be a little difficult between us for a while, he just didn’t see it and, well, it was nice, what we had, at the time but at the end of the day…” she trailed off.

“He’s not Killian”

“What?” Emma started.

“It wasn’t love” Belle corrected herself and Emma forgot what she had said before.

“Maybe”

“But Emma” Belle began.

“Yeah?”

“You know what?” Emma could hear mirth sneaking in Belle’s voice.

“What?” she asked, confused.

“You can get any colour prom dress you want now” she said happily.

Finally, Emma laughed.

*

She texted him first.

*so rby invited me 2 this party nxt friday*

After a while, he texted back.

*she did?*

She rolled her eyes. This was going to take some prompting.

*she did. It’s at this lake house down at this lake past the woods, u know it?*

He did know it. It had been one of his and Emma's favourite places. It was the best for swimming, looking for wildlife, all the things a child needed.

*lake nostos?*

*that's the one*

*cool*

She sighed. Clearly she was going to have to be direct about this.

*wanna go with me then?*

What's the harm? He thought. Besides, he had no excuse not to. He was totally free that Friday, and it might do him some good to get out a bit. And he had a week to change his mind if he wanted.

*sure*

Finally. She thought.

*awesome!* she texted. *pick me up b4?*

*of course*

*great! see you there xx*

*yeah see you there I guess*

*

“Emma!” the voice called down the corridor Emma turned to see Ruby coming towards her, dodging past people as they went the other way.

“Oh... Ruby!” she said in surprise, somewhat doubtfully as Ruby, the friend who'd ignored her, chose Lily over her and didn't believe her, reached her, “Hey”

“Hey, I was just thinking…” she trailed off for a second, biting her lip, “there’s a party on Friday and I think you should totally come”

Emma raised an eyebrow at her and smiled.

“Err, Ruby I’m not sure. I mean with everything that’s gone on I just… I’m not sure I’m up for it”

“Oh please Emma” Ruby said, grabbing Emma’s arm, “you have to come. It will give you a chance to relax after everything else you’ve been through. I know I haven't been much of a friend lately-”

"You're telling me" Emma cut in, "you completely ditched me and-" she stopped herself, bunching a fist in restraint.

"I know. Consider this my way of trying to make amends. You know I'm your friend Emma"

“Oh, okay then. I suppose I could do with a good night out. Is Belle going? Or Merida” Emma replied.

“Not that I know of but you can bring them with you. Definitely bring Merida, I've been dying to get the chance to get to know her”

“Okay. I’ll see you there then”

Emma didn't even know where there was. She was hoping she would be able to swing the excuse of not knowing where it was to get out of going. After what happened at the party that had started it all, Emma wasn't overly keen. Still, she reminded herself, you can't let that stop you from a potentially good night. Not all parties ended badly, right? It could be a good way to relax, get her mind off of everything. Spend some time with her friends, patch things up with Ruby. Yeah, she thought, she'd like that. Killian probably wouldn't even be there. He only ever came to parties when she invited him and Walsh never came to parties, not that she really cared about that. Besides, Ruby would never forget to text her the address. As she was thinking this, walking out of the corridor and into harsh rays of the Sun outside, her phone buzzed in her pocket. Sure enough, it was from Ruby

*4got to tell u where it was (im such a sctterbrn) its at the lake house. u know the one. cant wait!!! R xxx*

Emma almost chuckled, beginning to stuff the phone in her pocket when it buzzed again. With a frown she looked again and-

*btw dress 2 impress*

Emma rolled her eyes and continued walking underneath the harsh Sun on her way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter guys! Sorry it will be the last for a little while :( it's just too much on top of all of our school work but I promise you, we will be back! We should be able to get a couple chapters in after mocks and before real exams, and then it will be SUMMER and we'll have all the time to write in the world! As always, thanks for reading guys!  
> Bye!  
> Dysphorite ^_^


	30. The Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey... it's been a while...  
> OKAYY I'M SORRY! It's totally my fault I'm a terrible human being. Truth is I've been incredibly stressed, bogged down under swamps of work and coursework and mocks and ugh I've been through a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and not been in a great place to write. Basically, though I know it's no excuse because you guys deserve better, I haven't had the best few months. But I finally picked up my lazy arse and got my part done which actually ended up being an extra birthday present from myself to Shut_up_im_reading who has been INCREDIBLY patient with me and my terrible-human-being-ness even though she did her part months ago. SO BIG HER UP GUYS! I am incredibly grateful for her for putting up with my sh*t. You can thank her for this chapter really. I'm sorry if my writing standard isn't up to scratch but I'm trying to get into it in the time that I have (which isn't much, exams are in June) but after that it should be full speed ahead.  
> So, if you're still reading this and have kept up with this story, THANK YOU! We love you guys. And, once again, I'm so sorry for the wait.  
> I really hope you enjoy the chapter!  
> Dysphorite ^_^

_Previously in Distractions..._

 

_Emma squeezed Killian's limp hand in hers, nestling her forehead so that her hair fell forwards veiling her from the world. She knew only him in that moment, felt only him, thought of only him, of losing him and of-_

_Without telling him..._

_"I love you, Killian"_

_***_

_She turned sharply on her heel and she was running. Running. The girl with the golden blond hair flying behind her, running. Running away from him. Again. He stood helplessly watching as she stumbled through the forest away from him. His head was still spinning, the memories fresh in his mind._

_“I love you too, Emma Swan” he whispered after her._

_***_

_"Lily" he sighed, tentatively and somewhat reluctantly taking her hand. "I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do this to you or make things harder on you. I didn't realise how hard the last few weeks must have been for you and I am truly regretful of that. I do want to make things up to you. But right now, I need to be alone. I need to do this alone"_

_He squeezed her hand and walked away._

_Lily stood stunned in the courtyard._

_It didn't work._ _For the first time, It didn't work. Lily's mind was spinning. Killian always came back to her, his guilt and good form always forced him back to her. That's what she relied upon. But, this time it didn’t. _Why?_  Lily watched him walk into the school. _

 _What happened in the last few weeks to change that?_

_***_

_"Well, erm, I gave up my own child for adoption some years ago and I can never stop asking myself that. If my child is happy, safe, loved"_

_She had tears in her eyes now and drew a handkerchief from her handbag to dab at them. Lily's pulse quickened as a realisation dawned upon her._

_This woman... could she be? No, surely not. And yet..._

_"Are you..?" Lily began, taking involuntary steps towards her, "could you be-"_

_"Order's ready" she was cut off by the barista handing her the drinks, this time in a holder that they now had, apparently. Lily turned quickly to grab the drinks, but with a flick of her ponytail she turned back and the woman was gone. Vanished without a trace with the money for the drinks left on the side._

_No, it's not possible. You scared the woman Lily. Stop being so stupid, getting caught up like that._

_Lily shook her head and walked out of the shop. Casting a final, searching glance around the room, she left without a keen enough gaze to spot the woman who had a lifetime's worth of time spent hiding to rely upon, hiding from view, watching as her daughter walked, blissfully ignorant, down the street._

_***_

_“I think you’re the one”_

_***_

_“What happened?”_

_“Walsh. He- he came over and, well, he got really serious. Calling me _the one_  and everything and- well…” she struggled to explain._

_“That was too much for you”_

_“Yeah” she sighed._

_“Are you… okay?” she asked tentatively._

_“I… think so” she mused, “I think it had be a little difficult between us for a while, he just didn’t see it and, well, it was nice, what we had, at the time but at the end of the day…” she trailed off._

_“He’s not Killian”_

_***_

_*wanna go with me then?*_

_What's the harm? He thought. Besides, he had no excuse not to. He was totally free that Friday, and it might do him some good to get out a bit. And he had a week to change his mind if he wanted._

_*sure*_

_***_

_“there’s a party on Friday and I think you should totally come”_

_Emma raised an eyebrow at her and smiled._

_“Err, Ruby I’m not sure. I mean with everything that’s gone on I just… I’m not sure I’m up for it”_

_“Oh please Emma” Ruby said, grabbing Emma’s arm, “you have to come. It will give you a chance to relax after everything else you’ve been through. I know I haven't been much of a friend lately-”_

_"You're telling me" Emma cut in, "you completely ditched me and-" she stopped herself, bunching a fist in restraint._

_"I know. Consider this my way of trying to make amends. You know I'm your friend Emma"_

_“Oh, okay then. I suppose I could do with a good night out. Is Belle going? Or Merida” Emma replied._

_“Not that I know of but you can bring them with you. Definitely bring Merida, I've been dying to get the chance to get to know her”_

_“Okay. I’ll see you there then”_

_Emma didn't even know where there was. She was hoping she would be able to swing the excuse of not knowing where it was to get out of going. After what happened at the party that had started it all, Emma wasn't overly keen. Still, she reminded herself, you can't let that stop you from a potentially good night. Not all parties ended badly, right? It could be a good way to relax, get her mind off of everything. Spend some time with her friends, patch things up with Ruby. Yeah, she thought, she'd like that. Killian probably wouldn't even be there..._

 

* * *

CHAPTER 30

 

In the end she did dress to impress. This party started as just a way to relax, forget about the last few weeks and have a good time, instead of moping at home like she had been, sat in front of the computer endlessly scrolling down Facebook looking at all the fun her friends were having without her. But -despite this resolve and her telling herself her outfit didn’t matter, she just wanted to get out- Emma found herself trying on outfit after outfit that Friday night, throwing discarded clothes into a growing pile on her bed. She was about to give up when she spotted a dress at the very back of her wardrobe. She pulled it out, holding it at arm’s length and grinned. This was it, the perfect outfit. She quickly slipped the dress on, finding some appropriate accessories to accompany it she looked in the mirror. She certainly was dressed to impress now. A few minutes later she hears Ruby arrive outside. She grabs her bag and rushes down the stairs, yelling goodbye as she shuts the door behind her. She gets in the car, greeting Ruby as she drops her small bag on the floor of the car.

“Looking fabulous Em!” Ruby says, grinning at Emma’s outfit.

“You like it?” Emma asks, smoothing down the dress.

“It’s perfect!” Ruby replies, pulling onto the road.

“Thanks. You look great too” Emma said, looking over at Ruby’s tight black dress. It was way shorter than anything she had ever worn and she wondered how Ruby could even drive wearing it.

They chatted the rest of the way, catching up on everything they had missed the last few weeks. Things were still awkward and Ruby was still somewhat... distant, but it was still nice to talk and Emma could tell Ruby was really trying and she wasn’t exactly the easiest person to talk to sometimes. So Emma told her all about her conflict with Killian, and her short relationship with Walsh. They arrived at the party, pulling to a stop as close to the lake house as they could.

“These shoes are not made for walking” Ruby said as she got out of the car, staring down the road at the huge line of cars.

“Mine either” Emma replied, frowning, “I suppose we should get going”

 

* * *

 

Killian stood outside Lily’s house, waiting for a reply to his knock. A moment later the door swung open, revealing Lily stood in a slim black dress, tugging on a pair of black boots. She pushed the door open wider and gestured him to come inside. She shut the door behind him, finally puling the shoe on she stood and turned to look at him.

“Hey” she said, smiling tentatively, “you came”

“Yeah” he replied, smiling back weakly, “why wouldn’t I? You know I love a good party” he said half sardonically, thinking back momentarily to that first party that now felt like years ago. Where they had first met (if you call drunk making out meeting) and everything had gone wrong.

 

* * *

 

It took 20 minutes to walk to the lake house and they could hear the music 5 minutes before they got there. The house itself was huge, owned by Rumple’s family. Ruby knocked loudly on the door, adjusting her dress as they waited for a reply. A minute later the door opened and they were greeted by a drunken Jefferson Hatfield, eyes glazed and red looking somewhat deranged.

“Ruby! Emma!” he slurred, leaning heavily against the door frame, spilling whatever was in his cup onto the doormat. Emma took a small step back, avoiding the drink as it splashed to the ground.

“Hey!” Ruby replied, instantly latching onto him, stroking her hand along his arm. Emma rolled her eyes as they moved inside, shutting the door behind her and hanging up her coat. She turned round and Ruby and Jefferson had gone.

“Bye then” she spoke quietly, sighing. She found her way to the kitchen, always the place to go at a party, grabbing a drink from the stack of cans on the counter. Moving through the party she soon found her friends. (Belle spotted her first, shouting out and stumbling towards her.

“Emmaaaa!” she yelled, standing and pointing at her, “you’re here!”

“Yep” she replied, moving towards Belle and slipping a hand round her waist as she stumbled, “are you drunk?”

“Noooooo” Belle replied, shaking her head violently for a few seconds before stopping and grabbing her head in her hands, “maybe a little” she mumbled.

Emma looked towards Belle’s group of friends that Emma vaguely recognised from the library, they shrugged back at her, smiling apologetically.

“Is she okay?” Emma mouthed at them whilst receiving a heavy hug from Belle, which was more Emma supporting Belle than a hug.

Getting a reassuring nod, Emma spent the next hour drinking and chatting with Belle and her friends. She met a bunch of new people and about half an hour after she arrived Merida turned up, immediately grabbing herself a drink and joining their little group. Emma hardly noticed when Lily wandered past or when Killian followed her a minute later. She was having too much fun. Ruby had been right, this party was exactly what she needed to take her mind off things.

 

* * *

 

Killian arrived at the party about an hour after Emma. Lily was hanging onto his arm, trying to snuggle up close to him. He knocked on the front door, waiting for someone to answer. The door opened a few seconds later as a drunk couple staggered out, completely ignoring them as they pushed past, hands around each other’s waists, the girl laughing at something the boy said. Killian rolled his eyes and slipped through the still open door, Lily following behind. He shut it behind them, hanging his coat up on the hooks with a heap of others and doing the same with Lily’s. They set off through the house trying to find Lily’s friends. They spotted them in the kitchen, sat on the counter, laughing amongst themselves. Tink, Ruby and Ashley. A group of boys stood nearby, eyeing them up. Lily grinned and moved towards them, leaving Killian to follow. Killian politely joined the conversation for a while before he paused and excused himself.

“I’m just going to get a drink, you want something Lily?” he asked.

“I’ll come with you” she replied, moving away from the group. He followed her through the house, weaving through people to get to the table of drinks. He spotted Emma at the same time of Lily did. He saw her stiffen, although she kept walking, speeding up slightly to get past her and her friends. Killian tried not to look as he past her but couldn’t help himself. He glanced towards her as he past and found himself remembering a few weeks ago, the hospital room, Emma’s quiet words. When he heard those words he knew he had to stop this… thing with Lily. He was lying to himself when he said he liked  her. He tolerated her at most and now he knew Emma felt something for him he knew something had to be done. Screw good form, he had to break up with Lily, no matter if it broke her heart. He tore his gaze from Emma and followed Lily, trying to build the confidence to say something.

“What do you want?” Lily’s words broke through his thoughts, jarring him to attention. She stood at a table, gesturing towards the group of bottles and cans.

“Huh… oh right” he muttered, scanning the available drinks. He needed something strong to get through this. He spotted a bottle of rum at the back of the table and grabbed it, and took a swig.

“This’ll do” he said, pouring himself a glass. Lily stared at him for a second before getting herself a glass of red wine. They made their way back to the kitchen, joining Lily’s friends. Killian stood on the edge of the conversation, nodding and laughing along, trying to think of what to say to Lily. A while later the girls decided to move into another room and Killian decided this what is, his chance to talk to Lily. He downed the last of his drink and grabbed Lily’s arm, pulling her towards him.

“Hey… Lily can I talk to you?” he said, smiling to reassure her. She nodded and he led her to the empty corridor.

He turned to look at her, his smile fading as he thought about what he was going to do. He watched as her smile faded too. Maybe now wasn’t a good time, when she was enjoying the party so much. But he knew if he didn’t do it now he would be missing an opportunity. The rum had given him the confidence to do this, he had to act now, before things got out of hand.

“Lily…” he started, taking a deep breath before continuing,

“Oh, look Killian!” Lily interrupted with a shout, gazing gleefully into the other room. Tugging on Killian’s arm, she pointed, shouting, “they’re playing spin-the-bottle! Come on, let’s join!”

“Lily... I don’t think...” Killian protested. It was now or never.

“Come on , Killian” and with that she dragged him off and the topic was forgotten. Killian cursed to himself. Fine, he thought, but it will be tonight, it has to be, this charade can’t go on any longer.

 

* * *

 

She had been at the party for about three hours when she found herself included in a mix of spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven. She didn’t think anyone played those games anymore but people were pretty drunk by now. She had had a few drinks and she was starting to feel more than a little tipsy. She plonked down between Merida and Belle, who wasn’t playing but sat with them for moral support. They paid little interest in the game, only focusing when the rest of the group cheered a couple on. They chatted away amongst themselves, sharing a bottle between them. Emma was lying on her back, laughing at a comment belle made when she felt Merida nudge her clumsily on her leg.

“Emma” she said, flopping down next to her, “the bottle picked you”

Emma sat up abruptly, grinning. She stood up, wobbling slightly before she leaped over the group to the door. Just what she needed, another distraction.

 

* * *

 

Killian had drunk another few glasses of rum by the time he joined the game. He sat, leaning heavily against the wall as people chatted and cheered around him. Every few minutes two people would stand and go to the next room, returning a few minutes later looking flushed and dishevelled. He wasn’t paying much attention to the game itself, he was paying more attention to Merida and Belle sat a few people along from him. They were laughing and chatting to each other, talking to another girl laying on the floor between them. He hadn’t noticed who it was when he entered the room and his drunken state meant he was hardly up to working it out. He smiled to himself as he watched people around the circle. Everyone was wibbly wobbly and slightly blurred around the edges. They all looked funny. Suddenly he heard a laugh, a familiar laugh. He couldn’t place it. He saw some movement out of the corner of his eye, someone standing to go to the next room. He turned to look when someone nudged him. He turned to see a boy he didn’t know looking at him.

“Your go” he said, pointing towards the room.

Killian nodded politely back at him and stood, working his way across the circle to the room. He turned to wave before going in, shutting the door behind him.

 

* * *

 

Emma stood in the room staring out into the night through the tall glass doors which looked out onto a patio surrounding a pool, running her fingers through her hair as she waited. She heard the sound of feet, moving towards the room. A figure appeared, shutting the door behind him. The room darkened, the only light coming from a lamp in the corner. The figure approached and she grinned.

“Killian”

 

* * *

 

“Killian” the voice spoke as he approached. It sounded familiar.

“Tis I!” he announced, stepping towards the voice, stumbling slightly as he walked.

“I know that idiot” he could hear the smile in her voice as she moved closer looping her arms around his neck in the dim light, “so are you gonna kiss me or what?”

He laughed gently, moving his face towards hers until he could feel her nose brushing against his. The instant their lips touched he knew why she felt familiar. Emma. He moved closer to her, slipping one hand through her hair and the other around her waist. He couldn't tell whether the heat now pulsing through him was the alcohol or her as he was blind to anything but the heat. The heat and her. He could feel her smiling against his lips. He pulled away for a second, looking at her properly, sobering up slightly as she looked back at him.

“Emma…”

But he was cut off by a sudden burst of laughter.

He wanted to tell her he felt the same, explain that what she said at the hospital was okay, he was fine with it. He wanted to say he wished she had stayed so he could explain. He wanted to say so many things but he couldn’t do it. He would always put her needs first and if she didn’t want to talk, he was okay with it. But her laughter was infectious and he found himself smiling.

“What?” he grinned, leaning in to kiss her again but was stopped by Emma’s uncontrollable laughter, “what is it?” he laughed.

“You- you’re hands” she made out through the giggles making her breath short, “they- they’re tickling me” and her laughter picked up again.

“Oh are they?” Killin grinned devilishly, eyebrow raising.

“What are you...” Emma began just as Killian’s hand found her waist, tickling her and she screamed, “No!” as she laughed, trying to escape his hands. She managed to wriggle free and, laughing hysterically, she ran away and through the glass doors onto the patio. She could hear Killian following behind her, she turned around to see him grinning, his hands reaching to tickle her stomach.

“Killian” she breathed laughing, moving backwards, “Please...”

Then suddenly there was no ground beneath her foot and she wobbled, arms flapping outwards like a swan and with a scream she fell, with a large splash, straight into the pool. Killian’s laughter was hysterical as Emma rose to the surface completely sodden and the water sobering her slightly.

“Ha. Ha. Very funny” she said flatly, looking up at Killian.

“I- I’m sorry Emma, but it is” he doubled over.

“Could you at least help me up?” she asked, reaching out an arm to him.

“Of course, milady” he clasped her arm, ready to pull her up and-

_SPLASH!_

Killian was in the water with her.

“How dare you!” he shouted incredulously once he gained the surface, spitting water out of his mouth, “you minx!” he took his hand and splashed water in her face.

She gasped, smiling in shock then splashed him back twice as hard and then ensured an all-out splash war which left both of them shocked and considerably sobered up. Giggling together, they both felt completely at bliss and at ease with one another again, just like old times. The pool lights illuminated the night around them, the low thump of the music echoing from the house and wind brushing the leaves of the trees. They felt alone, at peace and they fell quiet, staring at each other. Emma looked beautiful in the gleam of the light upon the water, her green eyes sparkling and Emma found herself lost in how the glimmering blue of the water matched Killian’s eyes.

 

* * *

 

“Where’s Killian?” Lily heard someone ask, calling her attention.

“Oh, he’s with someone in the other room” she heard someone reply, “who was it?”

“Emma, I think?” someone said.

Lily’s cheeks flushed and she stood up directly. Back straight and muscles tense, she stormed into the adjoining room ready to rage, she slammed open to door and- nothing. The dark room was empty but a breeze blew from the open glass doors. She moved to them with a frown and looked out, her night was instantly darkened with rage. She saw them with a scowl, glaring at them together in the pool, having the time of their lives.

The nerve of that girl, she seethed, turning on her heel and storming back out into the other room. She could storm out there and stop them now, she knew, but that would only turn Killian against her more. She’d be practically throwing him into Emma’s arms.

 _No..._ she thought, this situation calls for more tact and Lily sat back down with her friends, scheming.

 

* * *

 

“Killian...” Emma broke the silence, “I need to talk to you about-“

Killian’s heart pulsed through him and he interrupted without a thought-

“About us? Because I’ve been trying to catch y-“

“No!” Emma shouted, panicking, “about Lily”

“Lily?” Killian exclaimed, confused and completely thrown off.

“Yes about Lily” Emma sucked in a breath, preparing herself to continue, “I saw you together with her tonight and it’s not fair that you don’t know what she’s really like. You need to know Killian, about-“

“This again?” Killian half shouted in dismay and irritation. “Emma, I get it, you’re jealous but there’s no need to make up-“

“Me? Jealous?” Emma shouted. “You think that’s what this is about? I’m trying to warn you Killian! You have no idea what Lily’s doing, what she’s really like but I do! And as your best friend-“

“My best friend?! Oh and where has my best friend been for the past few months. If you’re my best friend Emma, you’ve hardly been acting like one!”

“And you have?! You ditched me, for a girl. A girl you barely even know and chose to believe over me!”

“I apologised!”

“After the damage was done, Killian. And still you won’t believe me or even listen to what I have to say!” She grasped for the side of the pool, thanking Regina for her weeks of hauling around horse tack that meant she had the strength to haul herself out with ease. “Goodbye, Killian” she said in a bitter tone.

“Emma...” Killian called, filled with regret.

“Goodbye!” she snapped, stormed back into the house cursing at her own stupidity.

As she opened the door she heard him curse and splash the water angrily. For a moment she looked back, filled with despair, but then she turned ahead and walked back into the party.

 

* * *

 

Lily saw Emma return, dripping and looking half angry, half heartbroken.

_Looks like things didn’t quite go the way Little Miss Perfect wanted._

Lily smirked. Now was her chance, especially with Killian thoroughly drunk and angry.

She stood up, announced she was going to look for Killian, and walked into the garden where she already knew he was. She opened the door silently and saw him, sat upon the side of pool’s edge with his feet dangling into the water, fists clenched. She walked towards him; even the clip-clop of her heels didn’t call his attention as he stared into the night. As she approached she wondered what he was thinking, and how drunk he still was. Stopping opposite him, about a metre away from his back, she watched as he drew a small flask from his jacket with shaking hands. She smirked. The stage is set.

“Killian” she called out into the night. 

The play begins. But little did Lily know that they weren’t quite alone. Neither did she notice a pair of quiet eyes, watching silently from a shaded corner.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed our latest chapter, you waited long enough for it! Sorry it took so long as Dysphorite said, we have been super busy recently with exams just around the corner (ugh). We may be a bit slow going from now on but we will at least make an attempt to post regularly, even if the chapters are slightly shorter and further apart than before. Thank you all for being patient, it means a lot that you stuck around to read it, you guys are the motivation behind this, reading comments from people is what got me writing this chapter. So thank you for reading and taking the time to comment and leave feedback. Sorry again on behalf of myself and Dysphorite for the long wait, good job getting it finished though Dysphorite! I had just about given up on you! (Jks I knew you could do it, you're a great writing pal!)  
> Thanks for reading and commenting (If anyone is still reading this) we love you guys!  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	31. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are so so sorry that it's been so long!  
> Life got in the way, as it is wont to do, but our exams are over now (finally) and we're free to write and do whatever so we should (in theory) be frequent with out updates now! Thank you to all our amazing readers for sticking with this story even when we weren't posting! I can't believe it's been a year since we started! You guys are the best :D We hope you enjoy the chapter!  
> Dysphorite ^_^

Killian opened his eyes slowly, raising a hand to block the harsh sunlight coming in the window. He groaned, rolling over and throwing a hand over his face. His head was pounding and it tasted like something died in his mouth. The room was dark, except for the light streaming through the curtains onto the spot where he was lying. He glanced around the room, taking in the people sprawled out on the floor. He sat up slowly, moving his legs over the side of the sofa. He worked his way through the room, stepping over people as he went. There was no sign of Lily or any of her friends, she must have gotten a lift home from someone. He sighed, grabbing his coat and stepping out the door.

 

* * *

 

When Emma’s eyes flickered open she was blinded by the piercing light of the morning Sun which beamed through the smooth glass of the large window, whose curtains had been drawn open by someone – _who?-_   which overlooked the bed on which she was currently curled up, hugging the covers around her. _But whose bed?_   Emma groaned incoherently and clumsily turned away from the harsh sunlight, her hand heavily reaching to cover her eyes.

_But whose bed?_

Her eyes snapped open and suddenly she was fully awake, fully aware, and fully recognising where she was.

_Neal._

Her fingers pinched the space between her eyes as she sat up propping one knee before her and she shook her head, immediately regretting that small action which awoke the pounding migraine cracking through her skull. She groaned again, resting her forehead on her knee so she didn’t see the door adjacent to the bed creak open. But she heard the gentle _Hey_ uttered from across the room. Her head snapped up in reaction and she groaned again, covering her face with her hands.

“Rough night?” he smiled gently at her, half chuckling.

“You have no idea” she replied, finding her throat dry and her voice scratchy.

“Well” he said, moving towards her to perch sideways on the edge of the bed beside her, “I know it’s not meant to be good for headaches but I know my Emma and that a hot cocoa with cinnamon is what you need right now”

For the first time she noticed the mug nursed in his hand which he offered towards her, she took it gratefully, half smiling ruefully at him as her mind caught up to her.

_My Emma?_

Oh God, what had she done last night?

“Listen, Neal” she began, stirring herself to say what clearly needed to be said, “I don’t know what I said or did last night but-”

But before she could finish, she was cut off by a laugh. Frowning, she looked up from her drink and sure enough, it was Neal, Neal was... laughing?

“Emma, you can stop worrying you don’t need to give me the whole ‘we’re just friends’ speech again. I know. Nothing happened last night, you know I’m not the kind of guy to take advantage of a girl who’s drunk, certainly not you, though you were quite... tempting”

Emma used her free hand to grab the nearest pillow and promptly hit him in the face with it, earning another chuckle.

“Stop it! I was mortified, how dare you let me think something happened!” she continued to hit him.

“Hey, I never said anything” Neal continued to laugh, “ _you’re_ the one who jumped to conclusions”

Emma stopped hitting him with the pillow, supposing he was right.

“Oh God,” she groaned, sipping her drink, “I’m such a mess”

Silence ran between them as Neal watched her, smiling to himself, his soft chuckle then broke the silence.

“What now?” Emma asked curiously.

Laughing softly, Neal leaned towards her, reaching his hand forwards to brush the tip of her nose where, according to the dot of cream now on it, she had managed to get whipped cream on from her drink.

“Look, Emma, you’re no mess. When I said nothing happened last night, I meant it. I’m not going to lie, I _could_ have, and I promise you I _would_ have stopped it, had you not beaten me to it. Even drunk, Emma, you hold true to yourself. And that speaks volumes as to who you are, and that’s not a mess, Emma. You’re still the Emma I know, you’re just going through some stuff right now. Trust me, Emma, you’re not a mess, though you are _in_ a bit of a mess, which I will help you through... if you let me” he looked up at her hopefully, a gentle, though slightly anxious, smile on his face.

She sighed and smiled at him weakly.

“Thank you, Neal, really. Not just for not pressing me to divulge all my secrets but for being honest with me, even though you know I can tell when you’re lying I know that’s not why you told me the truth and that means a lot” his hopeful smile widened, “but, I can’t drag you into this, it isn’t fair on you, and it isn’t fair to give you hope,” she met his gaze seriously and sadly, “when there is none”

“Emma, if you think this is about us, about me wanting you to give me another chance then you’re wrong, it’s not. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you to, I still do. But more than that, I want us to be friends again, I’ve missed you, Em”

“In a way, Neal, I’ve missed you too” she shifted her legs and moved to sit beside him on the edge of the bed, “but... I don’t know if I can do this right now, not with everything that’s going on”

“Emma” he took her hand on the bed beside him gently, “I know. And if that’s what you what then fine, but I don’t think that’s what you need. So, just know that you can call me whenever, I don’t care about what, if you need anything. Please, Emma” he met her emerald eyes filled with regret and sorrow, “let me be your friend in this”

Emma smiled at him, squeezing his hand gently.

“Okay”

That one word seemed to light up Neal’s world as he beamed at her, moving in for a hug but pulling back when he saw the fright in her eyes. Instead, he took the now empty mug from her hands and set it on the side, standing up from the bed and moving towards the door, stopping and turning to her just before he exited.

“Can I get you breakfast? Eggs? Toast? Anything?” he asked.

“Toast, actually, would be great” she smiled gratefully.

“Marmite?” he asked.

Emma’s stomach turned slightly.

“Not today, Neal, just butter this time”

He nodded, turning to walk away. But before he did, he turned back once more, meeting her eyes seriously.

“Thank you, Emma. For giving me a chance” and with that he walked away.

She heard his footsteps down the stairs and for the first time that morning, she felt a small burst of hope blossom in her chest.

While Neal was downstairs, Emma mulled over the events of last night, trying to pin point her last lucid memory but everything was a blur, a foggy, incoherent blur and she barely remembered arriving. She wasn’t even drunk then, which is a clear indicator of just how much she had drunk last night. It’s obvious something had happened to make her drink so much, but what? She had no clue, not even one, and it was driving her to insanity. The small hope inside her was slowly drowning in the worry, regret, and the confusion of last night. What did she do? Who was she with? What did she say? But most of all-

_What happened last night? And why did it end up with her at Neal’s?_

At that moment, as Emma’s emotions were hitting breaking point, Neal walked in with a plate of buttered toast, well done like Emma liked it. At any other time, even just before he left, it would have made her laugh that he remembered how she liked her toast of all things, but right now it just made her panic.

He walked over and placed the plate in her hands, sitting on her bed beside her.

“Thanks” she muttered quietly, not really there. She brought a piece of toast to her lips without really paying attention to what she was doing.

“So how’s your Mom, Em?” he asked, “she must be fairly well along now. Did they find out the sex?  I bet you’re all hoping for a little boy, a little brother. You’d like someone to tease, and spoil” he laughed.

“Erm... she’s, er, she’s about-” she stammered, suddenly overwhelmed. She couldn’t stay hear and small talk with Neal, just like nothing was wrong, just like old times. She needed out, she needed to get out.

Neal frowned at her.

“I- I’m sorry, Neal, I have to go” she jumped up and looked for her stuff. Finding her shoes had never actually been taken off and remembering her didn’t have a bag, and her phone was in her pocket, she made for the door, taking her half eaten toast with her. “Thank you, Neal, really” she muttered and with that she whizzed through the door and down the stairs, hearing Neal call behind her-

“Don’t be a stranger, Em!”

As she opened the front door and pelted through it, leaving it to slam behind her.

 

* * *

 

Killian dragged himself the last few steps towards the front door of his house. All he wanted right now was to shower and go back to bed. He was uncomfortable from sleeping on the sofa, his mouth had that horrible taste he got when he had drunk too much and he couldn’t even remember much from last night. He remembered bits of it, flashes from different rooms and different people. He sighed as he slotted his key in the lock and pushed the door open.

“I’m home!” he called, as he always did even when nobody ever answered. He was surprised when a second later, when he entered the kitchen and dropped his keys on the side, his mother entered the room.

“Killian” she said, smiling at him, “I’m glad you’re back, did you have a good night?”

“Erm” he replied, unsure of how to reply. His mother hardly ever showed interest in what he did anymore, “It was fun I guess”

“Good. You have a visitor upstairs” she said, picking up a mug and leaving the room.

Killian frowned, who was here to see him? He climbed the stairs as he contemplated this, opening his door and finding out exactly who was here to see him.

Lily.

She looked up as he entered the room, watching him from beneath her hair. She looked tired, her usual energy gone as she hugged her arms around herself, shrinking back as he shut the door behind him. The one thing that stood out more than anything was the dark purple bruise on her cheek. His eyes widened as he spotted it, moving towards her.

“Lily?” he said, “what happened?”

She flinched as he sat beside her, raising a hand to cover her cheek. He watched as tears welled in her eyes, wondering what had happened to make her so unusually quiet.

“Lily?” he asked quietly, “who did that to you?”

The tears were flowing freely when she finally replied.

“You”

 

* * *

 

Emma wiped tears from her eyes as she walked home. She was annoyed at herself, for whatever happened yesterday that led her to going to Neal, for going to Neal instead of going home, for drinking too much so she couldn’t remember anything that happened last night. She silently cursed herself. She had no idea what happened yesterday, she’s obviously had one too many drinks. Last night was meant to be fun, seeing her friends without any drama. And look where that got her, sleeping at Neal’s house after doing heaven knows what with him. He said that nothing happened between them and she wanted to believe him but she was just worried. She had been drunk, she couldn’t remember anything from the night before. She just hoped she hadn’t done anything stupid. She hoped Neal would tell her if she had, or stopped her.

  _But he wasn’t at the party_ , she thought; _he couldn’t know what she had done there, what had happened before._

Her thoughts tormented her, spinning over and over on what could have happened, what she might have done, what she might have said, reminding her cruelly over and over that she just couldn’t know.

 

* * *

 

“What?” Killian replied, “Me?”

Lily nodded, turning to face him. Her voice was shaky as she spoke.

“Last night. I saw you with Emma, by the pool. You… you were kissing her” she stopped, sniffing and wiping a tear, “I tried to talk to you about it but you got angry, you started shouting at me, telling me it was none of my business. You’d had a lot to drink, you were pretty angry. I tried to leave, but you grabbed me and pulled me back. You hit me”

“Lily… I am so, so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I would never hurt you, I mean, I won’t. Please believe me” he said, reaching towards her, “I know there’s no excuse for it, I know I can’t blame the alcohol. I like you Lil, I do. I shouldn’t have been with Emma at all let alone hurt you”

“I know Killian. You’ve shown me so many times that there’s nothing between you and Emma. I don’t want her to come between us. I don’t want this to come between us. I know you wouldn’t do this normally, you were drunk and angry. I just don’t want you to blame yourself for this” she said, looking up at him, a small smile working its way onto her lips.

He smiled back faintly, reaching out and resting a hand on her leg.

“I do blame myself though. You have been faithful to me all this time and then I went and kissed Emma. And hit you. There is no way I could ever say sorry enough to you. Just tell me if there’s anything I can do to make it up to you”

“Well…” Lily said, shifting closer to him, “I want to stay with you. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship with this. I’m able to forgive you… if you can forgive yourself”

“I…I… you still want to be with me?” Killian stuttered, confused, “really?”

Lily nodded, turning her body towards his, placing a hand on his knee.

“I do” she replied quietly, “stay with me Killian”

Killian nodded in return, looking at Lily’s tear streaked face. She deserved better than him, but if that was what she wanted it was only fair to give it to her. After all, he said he would do anything to make it up to her. She smiled back at him, reaching up and putting her hands around his neck.

“If it’s what you want…”

He was cut off as Lily leaned in and captured his lips in her own. He instinctively leaned into the kiss, sliding a hand around her waist. She sighed against his lips her hands moving up his chest and into his hair, tugging him closer to her. She moved her hands from his hair to hang loosely around his neck, pulling back from him slowly.

“I should probably go now” she said, smiling at him, “I’m sorry about last night Killian, I hope we can both forget it and move on”

Killian nodded and stood, offering a hand and walking her to the door. Lily turned and waved as she walked down the drive, smiling as she left, and Killian painfully realised once more-

_What have I got myself into?_

 

* * *

 

Neal was furious. He put on a good show of being calm and happy to Emma, but after what she had told him he could hardly stop himself from heading over to Killian’s house and punching him in the face. Emma was so upset, spilling everything that had happened in the past few weeks. That was once she stopped herself doing something she regretted. Again. He felt bad for not stopping her but it was Emma, at his house, wanting to see him, to be with him. No Killian for once. She stopped before she did something she regretted but he wondered if he would have stopped it or let her carry on. He knew she was drunk but he hoped she wanted this, wanted him. But it soon became apparent that she just needed someone to talk to. About Killian. That idiot had hurt her more than he knew, more than he understood. And he kept hurting her, over and over, choosing Lily over his best friend time and time again. What’s worse, he just couldn’t see it. Whether it was blind ignorance or him simply refusing to see it, he didn’t see how much he was hurting her, how much he had done to her.

 _Well_ , Neal thought angrily; _someone will just have to show him won’t they?_

Neal thought back to the night before, how Emma had turned up at his house, already drunk with smears of makeup down her cheeks.

“Neal” her voice was scratchy and rough like she had been crying and her smudged mascara was enough evidence to back that up. He reached for her, pulling her against him in a fierce hug. After a moment she looked up at him through her wet lashes and smiled. He smiled back at her and led her to the kitchen. She trailed behind him, wobbling slightly as she went.

“Hot cocoa?” he asked, already reaching into a cupboard for a mug. He turned around to find Emma had moved closer. She took another step, stumbling in her drunken state.

“Easy there, Emma” Neal reached out and grabbed her, pulling her upright.

He was suddenly aware of how close they were, only a few inches separating them. He assumed Emma would move back, retreat to protect herself, so it surprised him when she took a final step, closing the distance between them and leaning forward to meet his lips with her own. He stood frozen for a second before he responded, moving his hand around her waist and tugging her closer. Her own arms looped around his neck, her hands became tangled in his hair. Emma pushed him against the counter behind him and the kiss became more forceful. Neal could hardly think straight but after a minute he pulled back, taking her hand and tugging her towards the stairs. He led the way to his room and almost as soon as the door was shut behind them Emma pushed him up against it and began kissing him again. He responded instantly, pushing off the door and moving them towards his bed. They reached it, tumbling down onto it. Emma froze, pulling away from him and pushing herself up against the wall.

“Emma?” Neal looked at her in confusion, “what’s wrong?”

“Everything” she said quietly, hugging her knees to her chest as tears began to slip down her cheeks, “everything is wrong and I don’t know how to make it better”

“Hey, it’s okay, Emma, it’s going to be okay” he replied quietly, moving to sit next to her, leaving a gap between them, “tell me about it”

So she did. She told him the whole story, from the beginning, how Lily had been manipulating Killian, how Killian didn’t believe her, anything she told him about Lily and their past, how she was manipulating him to get at her, the hospital, the amnesia, Emma’s whispered words to Killian’s ear and finally the party, the kiss, the argument. He was quiet the whole way through, never interrupting, just letting her talk.

But what could he do now? Emma remembered nothing of last night, she didn’t know how much she had told him. He had to help her one way or another. He had to talk to Killian.

“Neal” a familiar voice broke his train of thought, he hadn’t even heard her footsteps.

“Oh, hey,” Neal said, looking up at her, “what are you doing here?”

“I came here looking for you” her eyes shifted about nervously.

“Me? Why?” he frowned.

“Because,” she moved closer to him, “Because I saw something at the party last night, and I knew you still care for Emma, so that you would do anything to stop her being in pain, like I know she is right now and will continue to be unless somebody does something”

“How do you know this?” he asked suspiciously, instantly motivated to protect Emma. He knew that whatever was going on, she was serious, and Neal’s attention was caught, he would do anything to put Emma out of her misery.

“I will tell you, Neal, but first you have to promise me,” she looked from left to right, as if searching for any eavesdroppers, then looked him dead in the eyes, “promise me this stays between us. I have a plan, but if anyone finds out it’ll be over, ruined, and both Emma and Killian will continue to suffer”

Neal breathed in and out; his choice was already made, from the moment Emma’s name was mentioned.

“I promise”

The girl nodded.

And then she told him what she saw.

“ _That bitch_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andddd we're back! Sorry it's been so long, but exams are finally over and we have some time to actually work on this now! Hopefully we can get back into this and get back to weekly updates. Thanks again for everyone who's still here (If there even is anyone still reading?) we appreciate you sticking with us even through this big break! Hope you enjoyed the chapter feel free to comment, we love the feedback!  
> Shut_up_im_reading


	32. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! First off, sorry its been so long, this chapter has actually been ready to post for a while but life got in the way. Things may be a bit slow from now on, Dysphorite is off to uni and I'm going to Canada for a few weeks then trying to find something to do with my life :D Hopefully we can keep writing together but the last few chapters may take a while to finish now we don't see each other as much. We are close though, the end is in sight! Thanks for sticking around this far, sorry again for how long its taken. We love to hear from you so any comments would be awesome!  
> Shut_up_im_reading

His feet pounded against the pavement as he ran. When he left the house he wasn’t entirely sure where he was going but now it became clear. He couldn’t let Emma suffer any longer, he was going to talk to Killian.

_“It can’t go on” she said angrily, “she has to be stopped”_

_“Yes, but how?” he answered, beginning to pace back and forth, blooding pounding through his veins with anger._

_“I told you, I have a plan”_

_“Well, tell me already then!”_

He was breathing heavily by the time he arrived, pounding a hand on the door and stepping back. The door opened a second later and Killian looked at him in confusion. Neal stopped himself from punching the idiot in the face, instead barging past him into the house.

“Neal?” he asked as he shut the door behind him and turned to face where Neal was leaning against the wall, “what are you doing here?”

“This isn’t about me. This is about Emma” Neal answered simply, watching for a reaction. Killian frowned at her name, raising an eyebrow in question.

“Emma?” he asked warily, “she sent you?”

“No. Emma has no idea I’m here” Neal relied coldly.

“Then why are you here if she didn’t ask you to be?”

“I’m here because she told me everything, right from the start. And because I can see she’s hurting and you need to do something about that”

_“It’s not going to be easy”_

_Neal rolled his eyes. “I had guessed that” he spat, “the two of them are both as thick headed as each other, both so stubborn neither will say anything to the other”_

_“Our best bet is with Killian”_

_“Killian? Hasn’t he shown time and time already that he is incapable of not hurting Emma?”_

_“You know it has to be him”_

_“Yes, yes, I know. That doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it”_

“Me?” Killian looked more confused and Neal could see the sadness in his eyes.

“Yes, you! Don’t give me that confused look, I’m through with it. I’m sick of watching Emma suffer because of you, watching her cry because of you, watching her heart break because of you. Yeah, I know what’s been going on, she’s told me everything. You, who’ve sat on your high horse all this time, hating me because of the mistakes I made with Emma. How does it feel to be on the other side? The worst part is you don’t even realise you’ve been doing it, how much you’ve been hurting her, how every decision you’ve made has hurt her. How could you choose to believe the lies of a girl you hardly know over the girl you’ve known almost all your life? Yes, I know about that too. This has to end, Killian. No more will i watch Emma cry because of you. It’s time this ended” Neal was breathing heavily with anger by the time he finished, almost seething.

“Just tell me already” Killian said sadly.

“Tell you what?” Neal was shocked out of his anger by confusion.

“Tell me you and Emma are back together, I can see you love her and clearly she loves you back, she told you all of this after all. I have to be happy for you, but I don’t see what this has to do with me, Emma hates me”

_“It all starts with Lily. He has to know what she’s been doing, what’s been going on whilst his back has been turned”_

_“If he won’t believe Emma, what makes you think he’ll believe me?”_

_“Because you have no reason to lie”_

_“Neither does she!”_

_“You and I both know that, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t see it the same way”_

“You and I both know that’s not true!” Neal almost exploded. “She loves you, she just won’t admit it.” Neal replied, as much as it hurt him to say, he wasn’t stupid. He could see how Emma felt about Killian, and if he couldn’t have her at least he could help her get the person she cared for most.

“Maybe she did once” The words were no more than a whisper, but Neal looked towards Killian, questions in his eyes.

“Stop playing the victim Killian! And stop pretending to yourself, you love her and you know she loves you. You’ve known it for a while you’ve just let the lies of others, and the lies you tell yourself get in the way. And while you’ve been doing that Emma’s been suffering. When are you going to stop believing Lily’s lies? Emma told me all of this because she had nowhere else to turn, in your ignorance. I know what Lily’s been doing, I know the lies she’s fed you, what shocks me is that you actually believed them, over Emma of all people”  

_“What Killian saw was a jealous girl trying to poison him against an, in his eyes, innocent girl” she said._

_“But that’s madness!”_

_“Yes, and that’s what we need to make him see”_

_“How?”_

“What reason have I to not believe Lily? She’s given me no reason to distrust her”

“ _Are you blind?_ Of course she hasn’t given you a reason, but everyone else can she what she’s been doing. But that’s not really the issue is it? The issue is that you didn’t believe Emma, you brushed her aside for this other girl, this liar, _why_?”

Silence reigned heavily between them, the breaths of both men could be heard in the silence; both angry, both breathing heavily.

“I think you need to explain what this is all about” Neal said. Killian could only nod in response, half stunned by Neal’s revelations. _Emma, in love with him? Lily, telling him lies? Hurting Emma? How could he have missed all of it?_

“Let’s go, I’ll explain everything, just not here” Killian turned, opening the front door and motioning for Neal to follow.

*

“Mom?” Lily called almost meekly, poking her head through the door which was propped open.

“Just a moment, Lily” Regina called back, motioning with her free hand, the one she wasn’t using to write, for her to come in.

Lily did so, awkwardly coming to stand before the table which her adoptive mother was sat at. She looked up to see Robin stood at her side, his hand resting on the back of her chair. Lily bit her lip, wishing he wasn’t there, it would be so much harder with him there. She should hardly be surprised though, with all the planning going on. It’s only natural for the groom to want a say on the planning of his wedding. Lily wandered to Regina’s side, peeking over to see what she was writing.

“Writing invitations already?” she asked with a frown.

“Yes,” Regina replied, concentrating as she finished the line of flowing script on another invitation, “but they won’t be sent off until more planning is done” she felt Robin squeeze her shoulder and looked up at him, smiling. “There is much to be done. Which reminds me,” she said, her head coming to attention. She looked at Lily, “do you want to go bridesmaid dress shopping soon?”

Lily was caught off guard. “B-bridesmaid dress shopping?”

“Of course” Regina frowned, “I won’t have my bridesmaid walk down the aisle in jeans and a t-shirt”

“No, of course not”

“But, excuse me” she shook herself, remembering something, “you came in here to talk to me, what is it? Is something wrong?” she frowned worriedly at her adoptive daughter.

“Er...” Lily stammered, glancing worriedly at Robin, who seemed to take a hint.

“I’ll, er, go check on Roland” he said, giving Regina a last squeeze on her shoulder then walking out the room. Once he was gone, Regina looked at Lily again expectantly.

“I, er” Lily began, turning away from Regina and beginning to walk around the room awkwardly, the movement somehow making what she was about to ask easier. “I’ve been wondering...” she started again, trying to find her words, still pacing about the room, “I’ve been wondering about my birth mother” she turned to meet Regina’s eyes, which were suddenly full of pity.

“Lily” Regina said gently, looking at Lily sadly, “We’ve had this conversation before, it was a closed adoption, I don’t know anything about your birth mother, I would tell you anything I could but I’m as clueless as you are in this”

“I know that” she replied. “But something happened the other day, something weird”

“Like what?” Regina frowned.

“I met a woman, at a coffee shop, except it was more than that. She asked me weird questions, questions about being adopted, told me about how she had a child she gave up for adoption, she looked at me weirdly, almost sadly, and then she just disappeared and I think-”

“You think she could be your birth mother”

“Yes” Lily said after a deep breath, she’d done it, she’d told her.

After minutes of silence, Regina spoke softly.

“Did this woman give you a name?”

“Erm, yes” Lily said with a jump, “she said her name was Malika, but everyone called her Mal. She didn’t say what her last name was”

“Right...” Regina’s voice drifted off as she thought. “I’ll see what I can do”

“You- you will?” Lily said, shocked.

“But I make no promises, this figures sounds awfully sketchy and I don’t want to get your hopes up for nothing”

“No, I don’t want that either” Lily said quietly, remembering. “Thank you, Mom”

“Of course” Regina smiled tightly as Lily began to exit the room. “Lily, wait” she called.

“Yes?” she replied, turning back.

“Bridesmaid dress shopping. Next Friday? I’ll pick you up from school”

“Sure” she said with a smile.

“Oh, and we’ll need to pick up two dresses. I’ve asked Emma to be a bridesmaid too”

Lily turned her back, her fists clenching at her side and her jaw clenching. She tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

“Of course”

*

They walked for a few minutes in silence, heading towards the forest. Killian seemed more relaxed away from the house and after a few minutes Neal broke the silence.

“What don’t understand is why this is all so complicated” he said, glancing over at Killian, “You like Emma, she likes you. What’s the problem?”

“Lily” Killian replied, running a hand through his hair, “Lily complicates everything”

“So break up with her” Neal said, “uncomplicate it. You have to see that everything she’s ever told you is lies. Lies she told to manipulate you and hurt Emma because that’s what she wants, that’s all she cares about, hurting Emma. What Emma told you is true, all of it, it all comes back to their past. End it Killian, break up with her.”

_“Tell him the truth, tell him what we know”_

_"_ I _can't"_ Killian growled, his voice then saddening, "not after what I did to her"

“Killian” Neal said quietly, “what if you didn’t”

*

Emma had confined herself to her room since she got home, yelling a quick hello to her parents before shutting the door and collapsing on the bed. She was worried about everything that had happened, mainly because she couldn’t remember most of it. She made a mental note to never get that drunk again, waking up forgetting things wasn’t the most helpful distraction. It was late evening before she even thought about leaving, the growing protest from her stomach becoming hard to ignore. She was just thinking about leaving the room when a she heard a knock at the door.

“Emma?” David’s voice came from the other side of the door.

“Yeah” she replied, turning to face the door, watching as David opened it slowly and looked around.

“Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to help out in the nursery. I’m having trouble putting together the cot” he said, his brows pulled together in confusion.

Emma felt a faint smile on her lips as she nodded, standing and following him to the nursery. Entering the room she held back a laugh, looking at the mess in the centre of the room, parts of the cot scattered about, screws and tools littering the floor. David shrugged and scratched his neck as they looked down at the mess on the floor.

“Did you even look at the instructions?” Emma asked, a hand in front of her face to hide her smile.

“I didn’t think it would be too difficult” he replied, frowning.

“Well let’s take a look at that and see if it helps” Emma said, reaching across the mess on the floor to pick up the instructions. She scanned them for a moment before turning to David and pointing to sections of the cot lying across the floor.

“Let’s get this organised so we start putting it together”

In a few minutes they had organised the parts and Emma was confidently ordering David around.

“Fit part C next to part F and use screw A to fit them together” she read off the instructions confidently, watching as David finds the pieces and stares at them in confusion, trying to work out how they fit together. She watched for a minute before she stepped in, easily fitting the two pieces together easily. David frowned as he watched, picking up the instructions and still looking confused. Under Emma’s instructions they had the cot made in about 20 minutes. They stood up and stepped back, admiring their handiwork, when a voice came from the doorway.

“Oh brilliant!” Mary Margaret said, leaning against the doorframe and looking at the finished cot, “I see you enlisted some help Dave”

“Yeah, well I wasn’t doing too well on my own, Emma seemed happy enough to come and help” David said, smiling at the two of them.

*

Killian took the long way back, walking through the teeming trees, brooding over what Neal told him. How could it be true? But more importantly; how could he have missed it all?

_How could I have been so blind?_

He kicked a stone beneath his feet, listening to it skid along the path before him miserably. Everything felt wrong, everything felt messed up irrevocably and it was his entire fault. He’s hurt her so much, so many times, how could he come back from that?

He heard some evening birds singing in the trees above him, the trees rustled eerily in an unseen breeze. Fully leaved now, the Summer Sun glowed from between them, throwing all into silhouette; the path before him seemed obscured by the Sun and the trees between.

_What’s broken can always be fixed_

Emma’s words from long ago came back to him, something she’d told him after his family fell apart. He remembered it soundly; he remembered it as the moment that Emma truly became his family.

He had to find a way back to her, somehow. He had to make things right.

_But how?_

His mind whirred sorrowfully all the way home, he barely saw the trees, the ground beneath him, the setting Sun. He was home before he knew it and back up in his room. Slamming the door, he eyes laid upon his guitar, sat gathering dust in the corner of the room. It had been so long...

Suddenly, as if a bolt of lightning struck him, he knew what he must do. He needed the notebook, their songbook. Where did he leave it?

He started leafing through his things, tearing apart his room frantically, looking for the book. He found his backpack and began rummaging through it like a mad man, finally giving up and turning upside down so all its contents fell out onto the floor. He fell to his knees looking through the pile of school books when he noticed a lone piece of crumpled up paper flutter to the floor from the bag.

Killian stopped, staring at the paper with a confused frown, transfixed as it fell to the floor slowly, settling on his knees in front of him.

Slowly, as if moving on its own, his hand reached out and picked up the paper, frail from having been crumpled up for so long. As his hand moved a stray though spoke in the back of his mind, as if it were miles away _. Lily._ She gave him the note, yes, but he had never looked at it, he didn’t care to. He did now.

Slowly, with faintly trembling hands, he began to open the note. He held his breath, he didn’t know why exactly but it felt like he was holding the fate of the world in his hands, that this fragile note could change everything, that it was so important. But _why?_

He opened the note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Like shut_up_im_reading said, sorry it's been so long! Is been quite a hectic summer with both of us going on holidays at different times, results day, preparing for uni on my part we've both barely had much time to breathe! Things will be changing drastically for me soon but I promise I'll try not to let it get in the way too much (though we all know it will). Thanks for sticking with us guys! I hope you enjoyed the chapter!  
> Dysphorite xxx

**Author's Note:**

> If there is anything you think needs explaining in more detail please comment and we will try and add it in. Thanks


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